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Hagar the Horrible, 12/3/22

Lucky Eddie is indignant: His position as the ship’s cook is integral to his identity, and is probably a result of his hereditary caste, not because he’s “good” at cooking or anything. But frankly you can’t keep plundering coin hoards from Carolingian Europe and the Mediterranean and not expect a money-based economy to spring up eventually.

Mary Worth, 12/3/22

TIRED: Iris and Nan are going to engage in some sort of boring cat fight for Zak’s affections.

WIRED: Iris is going to get one look at Nan and fall head over heels in love. Neither of them are going to need Zak at all!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/3/22

I know Mud is supposed to be the “bad guy” here, but I’m sorry, you gotta love him! This amiable giant of a man is going to be flirting and fake-shitting his way to the top of the charts, in contrast with Truck, whose greatest achievement is a song about almost dying of pneumonia at a shitty hotel. Anyone with the nerve to call Buck a loser to his face is all right by me!

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Is it chilly in here? Or are we all just shivering with laughter at this week’s top comment?

“I’m not clear on the rules for business meal deductions, but maybe Dithers figures if he and Dag ‘talk business’ for thirty seconds he can write off the cost of the meals on his taxes? ‘So, Bumstead, about that Grumwald contract you turned in last week — has your broken collarbone healed yet? Welp, time to order. I’m having fillet mignon in truffle sauce. You are having half a grilled cheese sandwich. You’re welcome.’” –Shrug

The runners up are also very funny!

“‘Friendship is another word for love,’ said someone, probably? In any event, I’m saying it now.” -pugfuggly

“Loweezy is right to be distressed. That ‘Z’ has been in the same position all night. Snuffy died in his sleep, most likely from some kind of coronary event. Time to revert to the name Barney Google & Spark Plug for this strip.” –taig

“It’s good that Tommy has someone living nearby that can care for him and assist him. But it’s great that it doesn’t have to be me!” –Ettorre

“Someone named ‘Kristin’ from a place called Highlands Ranch, Colorado, with a household income over $100k? These days they’ll let anyone be a plugger so long as they eat a lot and then poop.” –matt w

“It’s traumatic enough when your dad goes out for cigarettes and never comes back — imagine learning that he filed paperwork about it first. ‘Daddy, we just want you to come home!’ ‘Please direct all inquiries to my attorney.’” –Navigator

“There is no way this doesn’t end with Tracy arresting the entire convention for degeneracy.” –TheDiva

“Like many comics nowadays, this is actually a veiled threat against competing comics in an ever-shrinking numbers of newspapers and comics pages. Beetle Bailey is warning Snuffy Smith not to encroach on its territory in the comics pages.” –Philip

“With the focus on Franklin it’s easy to overlook the fact that he and Curtis are ‘studying’ blank sheets. In a cut scene Franklin says, ‘So you see, Curtis, when you look into the void the void also looks into you.’ Then he demonstrated the same principle with his gaping mouth. Curtis, however, focuses on minutiae, unwilling to face the existential implications of non-being. You speak for all of us, Curtis.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“What’s green, furry, has three black holes and three black flags, and needs a trim? That’s not a set-up to a joke, it’s just a question I have.” –Voshkod

Dadburn grownups still ain’t never heard of spiders.” –made of wince

“Silas did in fact have a radioactive spider but refused to part with it for less than a whole cow.” –ectojazzmage

“I just assume the tablecloth is to hide Dagwood’s arousal when the food arrives.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Nah, I’m just going to write about pizza and cancer.” –Ned Ryerson

“‘You wouldn’t think that an oral history of a crappy Cleveland bedroom community would change history, would you? But, as we all know, a comic strip about that same community changed the medium forever! Never underestimate what can be done by one genius!!! Bwah hahahaha!’ ‘Uh, just so you know, there are people who knew I was coming here.’” –Rube

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Mary Worth, 12/2/22

Now, I’m just a simple country blogger, not a fancy math wizard, but if I’m counting right, Nan is around 12ish years older than Zak, whereas Iris, who has noted that Zak is Tommy’s age, is closer to 20 years her beau’s senior. We may be on the verge of a spectacle in which a woman feels threatened by the youth and vitality of her fiance’s former babysitter, which is a truly amazing sentece to write about an ostensibly dull comic strip like Mary Worth. And where is Tommy’s actual mother in all this Oedipal jockeying? I assume she was absent, both physically and emotionally, during his childhood, so if she bothers to show up for the wedding, things could get even more weird and fraught, which is how I like my newspaper soap opera comic strips.

Dennis the Menace, 12/2/22

I kind of enjoy the fact that we’re getting this limp gag as Alice gets Dennis dressed up in an adorable little suit and tie, even though their conversation is about a different topic entirely. Like, we know they’re heading for a fancy dinner with Henry’s coworkers where Dennis is going to blurt out something to the effect of “My dad says you’re a drunk,” but until then we’re going to kill time with a little Family Circus style darndest things saying, just as a warmup.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/2/22

Wow, it turns out that the book Summer is going to write will lead to a future where our allegiances to individual nation-states are replaced by a worldwide algorithm-driven form of governance. Sounds dystopian, sure, but probably all memory of Lisa’s Story has been purged from humanity’s collective consciousness, because Summer’s book is the Only Book that the drones of the 22nd century will need, so maybe we shouldn’t be too hasty in judging this new age.