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Crankshaft, 11/7/06

I was going to try to avoid Election Day-themed comics today in an attempt to stave off pointless basic-cable-level political shrieking in the comments section (and DON’T EVEN START because I WILL RELOCATE YOUR SCREEDS TO THE COCKPIT, I swear to God), but I couldn’t resist this nonpartisan little gem. There are two possibilities here:

• Crankshaft has totally snapped and is having PTSD flashbacks, thinks that his local middle school auditorium is a Wehrmacht machine gun nest, and is about to blow these civic-minded folks to bits with the sixty-year-old grenades he’s got in the pockets of that uniform.
• Crankshaft, who spent a good part of his youth engaged in the frightful carnage of World War II, is disgruntled by the use of war-related terms for non-war activities, and has decided that he’s going to make his point in such a way that a group of perfectly nice people who have never wished him any harm will be made profoundly uncomfortable.

Both are awesome.

Blondie, 11/7/06

For straight-up apolitical horror, though, you can’t beat this terrifying vision of She-Dagwood. The ickiest part is that they’re both visualizing the same freakish creature, but while Cookie is thankful for the fate that she avoided only by a genetic throw of the dice, Dagwood is positively enamored. I wonder if he visualizes a future where he and Girl Dagwood eat freakishly huge sandwiches, nap on the couch, and brutalize the mailman together, thus replacing the need for anyone else to share his life.

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Heart of the City and Get Fuzzy, 11/6/06

There’s been a bit of back-and-forth in the comments today about the latest Mallard Fillmore, and exactly who and who not is being urged not to vote by America’s favorite only talking Republican journalist duck. While things have remained civil enough to avoid banishment to the Cockpit (and let’s keep it that way, shall we?), I’m surprised nobody mentioned these two strips, in which children and animals are urged to vote. I think that Satchel might be Canadian, even. The fact that he’s a Green supporter should probably come as surprise to no-one.

Beetle Bailey, 11/6/06

Meanwhile, Beetle Bailey is just totally insane and such. I’m going back and forth on whether this is a genuine hallucinogenic product of a deranged mind or an attempt at forced whimsy that has resulted from all the elevated prose extolling Duck Amuck. On the one hand, the little cutsie waterfowl outfits (look, a little girl! a cowboy! a millionaire!) are a bit too precious and calculated; but the phrase “invaded my dream” creeps me out, and the weird circle-with-a-line beaks of the father/son ducks in panel one and richie rich duck in panel two are just not right at all, and are in themselves fertile nightmare fuel.

Slylock Fox, 11/6/06

Also today, the little Goat kids (see what I just did there?) are being made accustomed to the nightmarish police state that awaits them as adults. “Say, someone ate the cookies? Let’s call in CSI: Genus Vulpes and subject you three to a full-on interrogation until someone confesses!”

At least Slylock uses the power of deductive reasoning to determine the culprits, rather than just going at them with a rubber hose right off the bat. I love the look on the face of bowler-wearing-sidekick-mouse-whose-name-I-forget. He has no real crime-fighting abilities or interest; he’s just happy to be there, drinking coffee out of a mug the size of his head.

Mark Trail, 11/6/06

I’m beginning to think that Molly, the pet bear, isn’t particularly bright.

Hey, everybody! Kelly Welly and Ranger Rick have suddenly re-entered this story after — what is it, three months now? What do you suppose they’ve been up to? Never mind, I think we all know what they’ve been doing.

Mary Worth, 11/6/06

Look at the way Mary grits her teeth in that last panel. I have a feeling that Ella’s casserole is going to be made up mostly of broken glass, fiberglass insulation, and bleach.

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Hey kids! Here’s today’s slightly delayed CsOTW! First, our top finisher. Many people expressed this sentiment, but Josh (nice name, that) said it in that way that made me laugh loudest:

“Is Lynn Johnston really saying that the band’s members being stoned and/or drunk actually made them unable to play their instruments? This goes against everything I know about music.” –Josh (not THE Josh)

And now the runners-up, which as usual are all excellent and difficult to select from:

“Panel 1 may be the most non-angry I’ve ever seen Margo. I didn’t believe it was her at first. I would almost trust her with a sharp knife.” –majolo

“Tommie Thompson always struck me as the type of woman who could only get sexual satisfaction from an inmate, a paperboy, or a rolled-up issue of Cosmo.” –Dingo

“How many Stevie Nicks impersonators had to die to make those costumes, Apwil? People for the Ethical Treatment of the ’70s are gonna be super pissed.” –arto

“OK, but why on Earth would anyone kidnap a bear? Isn’t the whole point to get away from bears? Why not just kidnap a mako shark, or a malfunctioning Russian nuclear submarine?” –Dan

“Sam better go check if Bobby and Raju need some help. And by ‘help,’ I mean ‘lube.'” –yellojkt

“I’m surprised that the Caveman in B.C. doesn’t just look at the card that pops out of the Know It All Boulder in total puzzlement for a moment before sniffing it cautiously and then eating it.” –Wirrrn

“The motion lines behind Tommy’s Tiny Bible seem to suggest he’s moving it rapidly toward his mother’s face. Which would seem to suggest he’s either about to hit her with it, or else he’s already given her some pretty wicked shit and knows she’ll enjoy the tracers. The Jesus tracers.” –briantologist

“That Bible is up to no good.” –Laura c

“I am not the sort of person who would wish harm on anyone, but it sure wouldn’t bother me if Molly killed somebody. I really don’t care who.” –Mr. Barkie

“What could be better than June Morgan at the DMV? Ha ha! Five straight days of June Morgan at the DMV!” –hogenmogen

“Peter Parker has the proportionate earning power of a spider.” –Air Forbes

“What the hell is Gil Thorp? Seriously? There are all these people talking but no-one’s saying anything.” –ben

“Yeah, June’s pretty hot — for a pampered rich lady who’s ready to call her lawyer at the first sign of things not going her way. I’ll still take Margo, because Margo is street people. She wouldn’t even go to the DMV. Margo is such a badass, she just steals a car whenever she needs one and then dumps it off at the chop shop when she’s done. Margo is GOD! I exist to be crushed under her iron hand. Also, Margo told me if I didn’t post this, she’ll beat me until I wet myself again.” –dramashoes

“Oh, Bobby and Raju. Your love affair may seem charmed in the the artful glow of the porchlight, but I fear Bobby’s wrestling buddies won’t be quite so taken with Raju’s self. They’ll only see the geeky side, not the romantic guy exchanging sweet nothings under the starry sky, while Sam watches and reminisces about his own carefree homoromantic youth before glumly wandering inside to not have sex with his wife.” –Laura

“Since this is Funky Winkerbean, I suggest that Jess’s throwing up is an early warning sign of cancer. Never underestimate the ability of FW to put its characters through a living hell. It’s part of Funky the way big sandwiches are a part of Blondie.” –Woodrowfan

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And! Also! New merchandise! Faithful reader Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener has submitted this wonderful graphic for all those boat-wrestlers/4.0 GPA chem majors out there:

Right now shirts with this very logo are available at the Comics Curmudgeon store! At the moment I’ve got a sweatshirt and ash grey t-shirt available, but if you want it on something else, just say the word.

(If you’re totally baffled by this, click here and scroll down.)