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How many times has this happened to you? You meet a nice girl at a party. You’re into her, she’s into you, and you exchange contact information, then make arrangements to go on a date. So far, so good. But here’s the thing: you’re a hat man. There’s nothing that would make your heart sing more than if she showed up wearing, oh, something like this. But when you first met her, you were too shy to let her know about your love for hats and the ladies who wear them, so she comes to the restaurant looking good — but still bareheaded.

Well, now you don’t have to worry about this scenario repeating itself again and again. Now you can let the ladies (or the gents, if that’s how you swing) know that you’re a hat man — with your hat!

Yes, we’ve added an official “Hat Man” hat to the Comics Curmudgeon store. Buy it now and be the first on your block to proclaim your hat man status. Available in blue (pictured) or classic black. And of course, once you get your fine hat delivered to you, I insist that you have someone take a picture of you wearing it that I can add to the sidebar ad rotation. Don’t delay! Act now!

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Curtis, 7/30/06

Here’s a good candidate for the “When Ambitious Artistic Gambits Go Bad” file. Ma and Pa Wilkins are having a nice little bedside chat, gazing lovingly at each other in their bedroom mirror. It’s an interesting technique that establishes the mood well and offers a different angle on what could have been a typical scene. Unfortunately, the fact that Mrs. Wilkins’ word balloons seem to be emanating from her reflection, while Mr. Wilkins’ come from off-panel in the direction of his actual body, make it look like there’s a third person in the room doing the talking. The effect is deeply, deeply unsettling, at least to me.

To note: Mr. Wilkins’ spiffy mustache in the flashback panel. Best not thought about: the egregious “barking dogs” imagery in the throwaway second panel.

Mary Worth, 7/30/06

Look at Aldo’s reflection in the final panel: while his actual face makes him look grimly determined to get his stalk on, his reflection looks nervous, timid, and unsure. Perhaps we’re looking at a dichotomy like the Green Goblin’s in the first Spider-Man movie, where the real-life Aldo plots evil and nefariousness, while the mirror-Aldo represents his conscience and tries to prevent him from killing and dismembering yet another grey-haired morsel who won’t submit to his advances. At any rate, this may be the first instance in any visual medium in which a man puts on a bow tie to presage his murderous intentions.

Throwaway panel item of note: the Charterstone homeowner’s association has apparently approved the construction of some sort of bamboo Great Wall, no doubt to keep the riffraff out. The presence of the evil Mr. Kelrast illustrates the folly of such measures.

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Hi and Lois, 7/29/06

See, right-wing naysayers: the debate over same-sex marriage has actually strengthened traditional marriage … or at least has provided fodder for “traditional” (i.e., boring, not-funny, 1950s-sitcom-style) jokes about marriage. This one in isn’t as horrifying the Beetle Bailey a few years ago when Mrs. Halftrack announced that she was in favor of same-sex marriage and the General, leering, told her that he was in favor of some-sex marriage. Note to the Walker-Browne axis: we don’t really want to hear your opinions on current politics, and we definitely don’t want to know about your characters’ sex lives.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/29/06

The Closeted Doctor Wacky Blackmail Adventure continues unabated. For those of you not following along at home, I forgot to point out in my last update on this strip that “Troy Gainer”‘s real name has been revealed to be the only slightly less porn-star-ish “Adam Long.” Today, we learn that, despite his earlier reluctance to get involved in this situation, Rex has some pretty clear and specific ideas on the best locations for doing a prisoner/ransom money exchange.

Mary Worth, 7/29/06

And by “compassion,” Mary of course means “pity.”

And by “rose,” Aldo of course means “dead object of my stalking affections.”