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The Phantom, 7/1/06

“What’s he up to?” Well, if I had to guess, O Ghost Who Overthinks Things, I’d have to say that he’s planning to get into his helicopter gunship and machine-gun you to death from the air, where you can’t punch him. He’s just narrating his schemes aloud like any other comic-book villain; there’s no reason to dig deeper.

What exactly his that weird flap of skin between Chatu’s left arm and ripped torso? Did he lose a lot of weight recently? Is this whole escapade an attempt to get enough cash to afford cosmetic surgery?

Spider-Man, 7/1/06

First, Spidey accuses Narna of attempted murder. Now he’s downgraded his suspicions to vandalism. Pretty soon he’s going to battle her to stop her from thinking negative thoughts about his wife.

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Mary Worth, 6/30/06

You’d think that with all the years he’s spent trying to get into Mary’s comfortable slacks, Jeff would be better at translating Passive-Aggresive into English by now. Clearly, when it comes out of the mouth of someone who views going downtown as some sort of journey into the heart of darkness, the phrase “I wish I could join you on your trip” really means “Thank God I’m not going with you to whatever cholera-ridden Oriental hellhole you’ve decided to throw your life away in.” When a childless retiree who has nothing better to do than meddle in the extremely piddling affairs of others tells a doctor who’s taking time off from his lucrative practice to help children in Cambodia that she has “responsibilities,” that’s just cold.

I’m not sure where exactly Mary and Jeff are driving around having this little chat, but clearly the first “responsibility” that Mary has to attend to is to convince the youth of Santa Royale to stop growing little beatnik beards and tuck their damn shirts in.

Crankshaft, 6/30/06

Meanwhile, Crankshaft appears to be about death and farting.

Sally Forth, 6/30/06

Sally Forth is blatantly about hot, hot hammock sex.

Mark Trail, 6/30/06

And in Mark Trail, somebody’s about to get eaten by a bear. Why is it that I find this hilarious in Mark Trail but not in Gasoline Alley? I dunno, man, but I sure do.

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Garfield, 6/29/06

Step 1: Garfield contracts avian flu.

Step 2: Avian flu passes from Garfield to Jon.

Step 3: Garfield dies.

Step 4: Humanity wiped out.

Frankly, I would say Step 4 is a small price to pay for Step 3.

Judge Parker, 6/29/06

Who knew Judge Parker was so lousy with weird alien cults? Randy has only just extracted himself from the clutches of Mimi — High Priestess CEO of the suspiciously Scientology-esque “Eon” — but now we find out that Horace’s wife has the freakishly robotic name “Alpha.” Presumably Horace himself will soon change his name to “Beta,” with children named “Gamma” and “Delta” to follow. Beware, Randy, beware!

As for Judge Parker himself, with his unnaturally stripey hair, I’m not sure he’s to be fully trusted by Earth-based humans either.

I’m quite looking forward to Horace making an appearance on the new JP artist’s watch. For those of you who don’t remember, this freak is Horace:

Yeah, try drawin’ that guy looking halfway normal, Mr. Skilled Artist Man!