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Sally Forth, 5/4/06

Tune in for future installments of Sally Forth’s alcohol-fueled blackouts and ancillary hilarity:

• “Gee, Sal, you say the car had four tires when you came home from work?”
• “All I know is that Ralph says you were the most giving and nurturing lover he’s ever had.”
• “Mom, Faye says she won’t come over for dinner again until you get rid of that gun.”
• “So you say you remember punching the other softball coach in the face, but you don’t remember kicking him in the gut after he went down?”
• “All I know is that Alice says you were the most giving and nurturing lover she’s ever had.”

Judge Parker, 5/4/06

I’m not familiar enough with the rich Judge Parker backstory to know whether Abbey was born to fabulous wealth or if she came by it by marrying (or just shacking up with? I can’t keep it straight) Sam Driver, but she clearly has a lot to learn when it comes to ordering her henchpersons about. She’s got the part where you make them dress up in ludicrous uniforms right, but she doesn’t really know how to talk to them:

• Incorrect way to respond to relayed information from an underling: Allowing to them learn unnecessary details by engaging them in a rousing game of Exposition.
• Correct way to respond to relayed information from an underling: “Did I give you permission to make eye contact with me? Return to your duties at once, Unit 39-D!”

They’ll Do It Every Time, 5/4/06

This panel ignores the tremendous pressure anyone named “Neato” is under to be tidy. As if four grueling years of male nursing school weren’t enough!

B.C., 5/4/06

OK, but see, this is just totally insane.

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Apartment 3-G, 5/3/06

Well, after a brief and pointless Margo-and-Lu Ann interlude, we’re back in the saddle with our exciting Tommie-based storyline! I’m not sure exactly where this is going, but we’ll be treated to a completely novel situation: Tommie has to share a house with someone dim and sweet whose feelings are easily hurt, and someone else who’s sharp and cutting and whose facial expressions can change from smiling to glaring at a moment’s notice.

It’s totally different because she’ll be in a house, not an apartment! HA HA HA! Ha. Um. Yeah.

I’m really digging Lucy’s black cravat. It says, “You can take the goth girl out to the suburbs and take away her eyeliner and black hair dye and make her get a Mary Tyler Moore-style flip and a sweater set, but you still can’t make her conform to your rules, man!”

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Dennis the Menace, 5/2/06

Hello and welcome to our latest quasi-recurring Comics Curmudgeon feature, from the geniuses who brought you What They Say And What They Mean — it’s What’s The Deal? Basically, this feature happens when nothing really excites me in the comics and so I just pick out one little detail and nitpick about it. (“Which is different from usual how?” you say. Ha ha ha!) Our first installment concerns Dennis the Menace’s little friend Joey. Joey appears to have exactly zero hair on his head, except for a longish lock right between his eyebrows. This is pretty punk rock, except that, while we don’t really know that much about Joey, we know that he is very, very much not punk rock.

So, in short: Joey’s hair — what’s the deal?

(Other What’s The deal? candidates in this panel: the hyphen in “veg-tables,” and Joey’s brown yet still translucent drink, which looks a little too much like this. But I’ve always wondered about his hair.)

Tune in for future installments of What’s The Deal, where we ask tough questions like, “Is ‘coffee cake’ supposed to sound slutty? Because it doesn’t!” and “Mallard Fillmore exists? What the hell?”