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No Apologies Needed For Being Basic As Hell: The Jeff and Mary Story

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Mary Worth, 5/16/23

Look, I’m a guy who likes to eat out, and LA has an great food scene with amazing high- and low-end restaurants, but definitely at the places I go to regularly, I have one or maybe two go-to dishes, because … I dunno, they’re good! I already know they’re good! Why would I get the thing that may not be good, when there’s something I already like? Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you either die a hero or live long enough to find Mary Worth relatable. Also, are they stretching out the “Mary and Jeff go on a date” transition between storylines into a second week? Whatever, who cares, this is representation for me, as established.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/16/23

Do I want to keep making jokes about the obvious desperate poverty that the residents of Hootin’ Holler suffer in? I’m ambivalent about it, but when they keep doing strips about things like people stealing badly needed useful tools from their own children just for a few dollars, it’s pretty hard not to.

Daddy Daze, 5/16/23

OK, we’ve all just sort of accepted that the bit of Daddy Daze is that the Daddy Daze daddy pretends that the Daddy Daze baby can talk, but I think we should draw the line at the Daddy Daze daddy pretending that the Daddy Daze baby can write.

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Also that rocket doesn’t have the fuel capacity to reach orbit, like at all

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Slylock Fox, 5/15/23

I genuinely love the contrast in Max and Sly’s affect here, in line with the tale spun by the mystery. Max is just in the midst of a full-on meltdown, no doubt envisioning these deadly drones emerging silently from the rocket in orbit and heading implacably towards the Animal Kingdom’s vital satellite infrastructure. Sly, meanwhile, is idly contemplating how far Count Weirdly, a known genius who invented a time machine, has fallen if he thinks he can use PROPELLORS to fly in SPACE. It’s sad, really, and if he was driven to incompetent madness by Slylock’s own incessant persecution, well, maybe the fox detective feels a sting of regret. (Slylock isn’t even bothering to calm Max, in the mistaken belief that if he lets this unfounded panic attack run its course, his mouse assistant might decide that he should try learning some basic science facts once in a while.)

Dustin, 5/15/23

No, Dustin, this is good news! I can think of fewer acts better calculated to win back your terrible father’s love than scabbing!

Hi and Lois, 5/15/23

Ha ha, women! So eager to not kill things, amiright folks? Anyway, this comic doesn’t include a “joke” per se, as near as I can tell.

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Even more sexual Sunday

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Hi and Lois, 5/14/23

This is truly one of the wildest throwaway panels I’ve ever seen. Readers of space-constrained newspapers are just getting a classic Mother’s Day strip about how a mom’s work is truly the hardest of all, but those whose comics pages have room to spare know that just moments before he and the kids got assigned a bunch of chores, Hi thought that he was going to get a chance to give Lois a very special Mother’s Day gift (sex, with him).

Mary Worth, 5/14/23

OK, look, you have to approach today’s Mary Worth not in the context of this blog, where I’ve been making off-color jokes about the strip for going on 19 years now, but in the context of Mary Worth, the soap opera comic strip, one of the squarest forms of media ever created, and in that context the panel here where Mary says, in so many words, that Estelle thinks the sex with Dr. Ed is a lot better than the sex with Wilbur ever was, is positively pornographic.

The Phantom, 5/14/23

Way back in 2005, the Phantom had his Bandar henchmen erase the memory of a young woman who had inconveniently fallen in love with him using “Bandar medicine.” Anyway, turns out this practice, in addition to being obviously unethical in a number of ways, also doesn’t really work! Whoopsie! Awkward!