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Shoe, 3/5/22

Look, I’m not saying the creators of Shoe are trying to get us to think about the weird anatomical mechanics of their bird-man character’s asses — I am of course on the record as saying that they’ve actually forgotten that they’re birds entirely. But you have to admit that this strip features the absolutely perfect angle to remind you that, yes, the Perfesser has a huge plume of tail feathers, and that’s why he doesn’t wear pants, and then immediately hits you with his wacky story of sitting a gooey puddle of chocolate. I don’t care for it.

Mary Worth, 3/5/22

Oh my gosh, it looks like we’ve found our plot’s villain, everybody! It’s this woman who’s watching Toby and Cal’s ham-handed flirting with cold, detached disapproval. Not sure which possibility is funnier: that she’s Santa Royale Community College’s designated #metoo officer and she’s going to cancel the living daylights out of Toby, or she’s a literature prof who’s met Ian at conferences and always had an eye on him, and now that his hussy younger wife is flinging herself at some teenager she sees a chance to make her move.

Gil Thorp, 3/5/22

“…to inject me with the EXPERIMENTAL SUPER SERUM”

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Folks! It’s TONIGHT! The Internet Read Aloud, America’s favorite live comedy show about the Internet, is COMING BACK, live on stage, in Los Angeles!

Look at all these beautiful faces that you will see make comedy noises at you!

Here’s the Facebook event, if you’re interested! We used to have the show at 8 but now it’s at 7, so be sure to come at 7 if you come!

And now, your comment of the week:

“I assume the unexpected sight in Dagwood’s gullet is a wholly undigested 6-foot hoagie.” –Vice President John Adams

And your runners up! Very funny!

“The chances that this guy’s name isn’t even ‘Harley’? Extremely high.” –TwiggyJake, on Twitter

“An uncommon mouth is so much better than those vulgar, common mouths that the peasants have … you know, fit only for chewing gruel.” –Vulcan With A Mullet

“Roses are red,
Violets aren’t, cripes;
Your womanly beauty reminds me
Of actor Wesley Snipes.” –jroggs

“The Teachers Workroom: Because getting through a conversation with these coworkers is a chore.” –Joe Blevins

“If Toby has such an uncommon mouth, how come she had to use her HANDS to catch and throw that Frisbee?” –Charterstoned

“Bird and reptile propaganda will try to spin this tragedy as proof of the superiority of laying eggs.” –Ettorre

“Why are they throwing around a lid to an industrial-sized jar of peanut butter? Surely, frisbees aren’t that expensive.” –taig

“Slylock knows why there aren’t enough life jackets: they wasted one on Max.” –nescio

“Once again the comics have unveiled a new super-niche kink demographic, in Fifty Shades of Frisbee.” –Ben Harper, on Twitter

“Actually, Leroy, that’s not a spa; Loretta’s going to a meeting of SPA — Spouse Poisoner’s Anonymous. Enjoy your laughs … while you can.” –Pozzo

“Dagwood chuckled to himself, softly, upon hearing Dithers’ conversation around the corner. A compromise, he called it. If only the boss knew that by donning the colors of Mardi Gras, that Bacchanalia of fatty fried cuisine, Dagwood’s power had doubled — nay, quadrupled in intensity. He had gained a modicum of control over his universe. Dagwood decided to start out small — manifesting bits of floating confetti here, maintaining the temperature of the gumbo there — but soon, like boiling a frog in a pot, little by little, he would increase his influence. Yes — by this time tomorrow, there would be no tomorrow. There would be only Mardi Gras, now and forever.” –Austria

“The television in the breakroom at DitherCo is constantly tuned to the Holiday Channel, your number one source for holiday information. Today it’s wall-to-wall coverage of Mardi Gras; tomorrow, it features Ash Wednesday, Texas Independence Day, and a short clip on Sri Lanka’s Air Force Day that runs at like 2 A.M.” –Voshkod

“For a brief moment I thought a medical professional was finally going to get to the bottom of whatever the hell has been going on with Dagwood’s neck for the last 90ish years.” –tristanitis, on Twitter

“It’s nice to see them showing some creativity by moving on from ripping off sixty year old Marvel comics to ripping off forty year old Captain Planet cartoons.” –Where’s Rocky?

“EXTRA EXTRA LOCAL MOM’S PRIZE WINNING COOKIE RECIPE IS JUST THAT REFRIGERATED DOUGH THAT COMES IN A TUBE” –made of wince

“Tonight, Les Moore will corner Marvin’s dad in a dark alley with a knife to his throat, hissing ‘This is your last warning: stay out of heavy-lidded smug ennui if you know what’s good for you.’” –pastordan

“Look at that face. He is so proud of himself, y’all. He practiced in the mirror all last night, running the plan over and over again: “First I throw the Frisbee at her! And she’ll throw it back! And then we’ll be playing Frisbee, and then I’ll seal the deal by saying I’m glad I initiated a fling with her, and then she’ll laugh, and laugh, and then we’ll do the thing I drew us doing two nights ago, only we’ll do it on a pile of Frisbees.’” –els

“Ugh, go to Funky Winkerbean with that wordplay, Cal. At least they’d have the sense to be appalled and disgusted by it.” –TheDiva

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Mary Worth, 3/4/22

Here’s a weird thing that happens sometimes in Our Dumb Dystopia: people will make storefronts on Amazon even though they don’t have anything to sell. Instead, they set bots up to find other stores that actually have things to sell, create listings for the same items the other stores sell, mark up the price by a dollar or two, and then use SEO trickery to try to make their store a higher ranking search result than the real one. When someone tries to buy an item from their store, they just order from the real store, who does all the work, and they pocket the difference, having done nothing. This can sometimes produce truly bizarre results, like when the bots that do this for two fake stores lock onto each other, each assuming the other is real, and each keeps raising its price to be just a little higher than the other, until someone notices that soap or toothbrushes are selling for more than a million dollars. I’m bringing this up because today’s Mary Worth shows what would happen in a similar situation, except instead of two Amazon storefronts, we have two robots who have been programmed to attempt to convince a real life human to have sex with them. “But not for initiating a ‘fling’ with you!” and “go sit in the corner, Cal!” give off very strong “we showed this AI 10,000 hours of people flirting and this is what it came up with” vibes, except it was more like 20 hours, tops.

Sam and Silo, 3/4/22

The internal worlds of newspaper comic strips are extremely resistant to change, which makes them great little time capsules of social mores that were quite different not that long ago and have changed in ways most of us don’t think much about. Just as Blondie still takes place in a world where suburbanites let their dogs roam freely at night, Sam and Silo in whatever year this rerun is from failed to move up into the world where most people’s housecats would be fixed as a matter of course. Because this cat? This cat fucks, everybody. He fucks a lot.

Gasoline Alley, 3/4/22

GASOLINE ALLEY ADMITS IT: LITERALLY ANYTHING ON TV OR IN THE MOVIES IS MORE EXCITING AND FUN THAN GASOLINE ALLEY