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Mary Worth, 7/19/22

You know, you hear a lot these days about “reboots” this and “dark and edgy” that, while media properties like Mary Worth that have just kind of soldiered along in a straight line for decades mostly get written off as old and stale. But I ask you: can you imagine anything darker and edgier than a story where a woman gets beaten up in a random attack and falls for her physician’s assistant but is convinced he’s not sexually attracted to her because she’s still bruised from her beating, and also the physician’s assistant in question is a monumentally unpleasant Star Wars dork/”nice guy” manipulator? This strip should be rated X for the X-treme emotional distress it’s inspiring in me.

Zits, 7/19/22

Look, everyone, I get it: you want your comic strip to reflect (vaguely) current trends, but you don’t feel like watching all of Bridgerton, Netflix’s hottest (?) show. Still, you feel like you’ve heard enough about it to, you know, get the gist. It’s like Jane Austen-ish, right? But racially inclusive, somehow? Probably people are doing themed weddings? Chicks like it? Including moms? Anyway, I too have not watched this show, but if you are going to do jokes about it in setting up a plot about a Bridgerton-themed wedding, I would urge you to at least read the Wikipedia article to learn how much of it is about jizz.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/19/22

Say, kids, what’s more exciting than an old man telling a long rambling story about that time he tried and failed to get a job writing Prince Valiant? Well, turns out it’s an old man telling a long rambling story about that time he tried and failed to get a job writing Prince Valiant and realizing partway through that he’s forgotten quite a bit of it.

Shoe, 7/19/22

“That’s mostly because I break into other people’s houses to watch. I save a lot on streaming services, and it’s a lot more exciting!”

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Slylock Fox, 7/18/22

I honestly have quite a few questions about how realistic these Cyber-Weirdlies are. Like, can they talk? Do they hold up a conversation or just have an ELIZA-style set of canned phrases they use to respond to everything? How much autonomy do they have to move around? How docile was this bot as the duck-cop tied a single thin rope around him and then led him back to Slylock? Did the duck really think that master criminal and inventor Count Weirdly would allow himself to be so easily captured and served up on a platter to his archnemesis, Slylock Fox? I guess my questions are honestly much more about how dumb Officer Quackers here is, and also about why he’s been saddled with the name “Deputy Duck” when Officer Quackers is obviously much funnier.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/18/22

One definite sign I’m getting old is that I’m not a “car guy” by any means but every time I see a Cadillac built in the last 10 years I think “jeez, this looks like ass,” and when I see one of these “classic” Caddys from my youth like the one Tildy’s driving herself to the hospital in here, I’m like “yes, YES, this is what a Cadillac SHOULD look like,” even though, objectively, they look like ass as well. Still, if Tildy is a little more in touch with the nuances of her aging body than her husband and really is having a heart attack, I will shed a single tear to see this majestic vehicle swerve off the road into a tree.

Hagar the Horrible, 7/18/22

Hagar is right to be surprised in panel two. This is Viking Age! A boat like this should be an economic boon its owner, allowing them to either trade or raid depending on the military strength of the peoples on whose shore they arrive! If someone is just using a boat as an expensive hobby, then the world is truly changing and maybe Hagar isn’t going to be able to just murder people and steal their stuff for a living anymore.

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Mary Worth, 7/17/22

Finally, finally, Jared is experiencing some real emotional pain that goes beyond his standard-issue petulant whining and mild self-loathing. I’m not sure if he’s breaking down in tears because he can’t believe how cruel this world can be to a beautiful person like Jess, or if he’s breaking down in tears because he’s living a lie and he doesn’t actually find Jess beautiful at all and he can’t believe how cruel he’s being. There’ll be time to learn more later. The important part is that he’s suffering, and I’m grateful for that.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/17/22

Oh hey, remember how Andrzej thought he was dying, so he snuck off to the hospital, but then it just turned out to be indigestion? Well now Hildy thinks she’s dying, so she’s going to sneak off to the hospital! Ha ha, what’ll these wacky old people get up to next? Well, dying, presumably, at some point.

Dustin, 7/17/22

Dustin is a strip about the eternal war of the young against the old, but today it takes a little detour to comment on the eternal war of man against woman. It doesn’t have a joke about it, or even any vague wordplay, but I guess the change of pace is nice.