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Mary Worth, 1/4/22

Ha ha, yes, Wilbur, this is absolutely great, completely ignore Estelle’s body language and just demand that she recite these vows you wrote in front of the cruise ship’s off duty purser — who happens to be right here, by the way — and then you’ll be legally married in the eyes of all the nations that have ratified the U.N. Convention on the Law of the Sea! And if she says no, well, then, at least you tried, and the only downside will be the absolutely excruciating five to seven days you’re about to spend sharing a cabin with a woman who now 100% realizes what a terrible mistake this all was.

Speaking of Mary Worth, it is absolutely required for the health of democracy that you vote in the most important election of the year: the Fourteenth Annual Worthy Awards, as always put together by faithful reader Wanders, celebrating the best Mary Worth plots and panels of 2021! All the categories are a delight, but I am particularly jazzed by the options in the Outstanding Floating Head competition this year. Make your voice heard!

Crock, 1/4/22

I was going to complain that for this to make sense, Figowitz’s little joke should be personally insulting to the bookmobile guy in some way, but you know what? Punching someone in the face is an absolutely acceptable response to any joke arising within the comic strip Crock. If the characters got punched in the face more often, maybe they’d make fewer jokes, which could only be a good thing.

Crankshaft, 1/4/22

Wait, are these three guys drunk every time they go to the diner? It sure would explain a lot!

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Hello everybody! Welcome back to the Comics Curmudgeon, your #1 blogging website for syndicated newspaper commentary! How was your holiday experience over the past week or so?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/25/21

Did you manage to arrange your facial features to indicate some modicum of holiday cheer, like June and the Morgan children, or did you spend the whole time looking like you wanted to die, like Rex?

Dick Tracy, 12/25/21

Did you spend Christmas cuddling on the couch with a loved one, like Dick Tracy, or were you shivering out in the cold staring jealously at the righteous, like a bunch of deformed criminals?

Mary Worth, 12/25/21

Did you get that special gift you had been waiting for all year? In Dr. Jeff’s case, that gift was his one (1) allotted annual open-mouth kiss from Mary Worth.

Anyway, let’s do our annual roundup of what the soap and soap-adjacent strips got up to in my absence!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/26/21

We’re all looking for some good news for 2022 and it looks like we got it with the return of … Rene the art forger, baby!!!!

That’s right, everybody! Rene might do fake art and new age spirituality and COVID cures, but the love for him in our hearts isn’t fraudulent at all. It’s very real!

Gasoline Alley, 12/27/21

Oh, wow it looks like Hollywood — or [squints at kerning in headline] “Holly Wood” — is coming to Gasoline Alley! Will this turn out to be interesting? No, it won’t, and we won’t be revisiting the subject in this post.

Mary Worth, 12/27/21

DECEMBER 27, 2021: Syndicated comic strip Mary Worth reveals that Wilbur Weston will be taking a cruise.

DECEMBER 30, 2021: The CDC advises everyone to avoid cruise ships.

COINCIDENCE???? WE THINK NOT!!!

Gil Thorp, 12/28/21

Over in Gil Thorp, it looks like the Valley Conference’s refs are taking a “kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out” attitude towards calling fouls this season. Looking forward to a winter and spring of basketball carnage!

Mary Worth, 12/28/21

“Good luck, Estelle! I say that with total and complete sincerity. You are absolutely going to need it!”

Mary Worth, 12/29/21

“You’re not inconveniencing me! Jeff won’t be able to come over due to his allergies, which I don’t consider an inconvenience at all! Quite the opposite, in fact!”

Curtis, 12/29/21

Oh hell yes, Curtis is delivering another Kwanzaa tale for us this year! We all of course remember previous fables, which involved bat-winged bears and telepathic otters and trunkless elephants and creepy masks and, uh, social media. Anyway, this year’s story involves a girl in a drought-stricken village who has discovered a magical source of infinite water. The villagers who are mad that she’s hoarding all the water for herself are apparently the bad guys in this situation?

Dick Tracy, 12/30/21

Hey, remember the lady who didn’t want to manage an escort service? Well, Liz is pretending to be her, and is going to learn the ins and outs of managing an escort service, everything from recruiting sex workers to keeping detailed records of their financial transactions! The goal is to combine boredom and titillation into a new and hitherto unexplored emotion, which I think is a really innovative thing to do in the comics.

Mary Worth, 12/30/21

“Let’s do it, Wilbur! I’m just going to keep shouting things at the top of my lungs to convince myself that I want to do them! Fake it till you feel it, baby!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/31/21

An actually interesting Rex Morgan medical plot would be a deep dive into how narratively convenient amnesia works, biologically and psychologically! And if the Morgans are utterly ruined financially in the proces, I won’t complain one bit.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/1/22

Funky Winkerbean is doing a supposedly heartwarming storyline about Harry Dinkle getting to march in the Rose Bowl Parade with a bunch of other retired band directors. Anyway, I know I spent a lot of time during the Great Los Angeles Fire plot complaining about this strip’s wild misunderstanding of Southern California geography, but that doesn’t mean I want a dry recitation of various Pasadena intersections, either.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/2/22

God damn, he’s doing a whole press conference, you absolutely love to see it. I particularly appreciate the hand gesture he’s flashing in the next to last panel. “I want three million dollars. My left index finger represents one million dollars, and the three raised fingers on my right hand represent that I want three of those one million dollar units.”

Dick Tracy, 1/3/22

Ha ha, did I say that boredom was going to be leavening the titillation in this Dick Tracy storyline? How wrong I was! I’m not sure exactly who’s hitting on who here, but it’s all extremely erotic.

Hi and Lois, 1/3/22

Is Hi and Lois a soap opera strip? No. Do I feel compelled to show you today’s installment, just to let you know that Lois has absolutely given up on 2022 less than 72 hours into it? Very much yes!

Mary Worth, 1/3/22

But we haven’t given up on the year yet, and why would be, with wonders such as “Wilbur has a manic episode and makes an extremely ill-advised marriage proposal” to come? I will be comics blogging this year and every subsequent year as long as I have strength in my body, so thank all of you for coming along for the ride!

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Curtis, 12/24/21

The most recent Curtis storyline has invovled our hero chaperoning Michelle to and from the dentist in her family limo because she’s neglected by her parents, and helping her home after she was extremely doped up on novacaine. This has taught him the true meaning of Christmas … and is maybe setting up the wildest Kwanzaa story yet? Only time will tell! Sadly, though, you will have to spend that time without me mocking the comics, because I am off on my end of year holiday journey and will be back January … 3rd? Ish? Stay tuned!

Oh, hey, also, remember last week when I promised you my return to live comedy, in Los Angeles? Well, our theater is taking a little Omicron Pause over late Dec/early January, so that’s postponed! Probably till February 4th! Stay tuned for more developments!

Finally, I will leave you with one last comment of the week for 2021:

“No need to spike the punch. But that didn’t stop me from spiking it anyway. Why am I like this, Hi? I was saving that booze for breakfast, and now I’m just gonna have to buy more.” –made of wince

These runners up were also very funny!

“A lot of you have been curious who Cynthia Ivy is. Well, guess what? You’re wrong to be curious! In fact, if you didn’t already know, her local news team has already revealed this information! Instead of being a grown adult like me, she’s actually a little girl! Just check out Glenwood’s obscure small-town news website and you can find out her name, her address, the school she goes to, what she looks like, who her friends are — everything! But you shouldn’t do that, because that’s bad! So please, do not seek out this fully available information now that I’ve confirmed it definitely exists and told you where you can easily find it!” –jroggs

“Leroy, you dummy! The line to see Santa is only three deep, man! This is your big chance! You have a bunch of things you could ask him for — like, maybe being put in a 50-year coma. Wouldn’t that be sweet?” –Joe Blevins

“Cassandra Cat used to dress like a temptress but now dresses like a lumberjack, probably to avoid accusations of sexism. Jokes on you, authors! You stop appealing to someone’s fetish just to end up pleasing someone else’s fetish! It’s Sisyphus pushing Rule 34 up a hill forever!” –Ettorre

“The line ‘We need to get diapers‘ not ‘I need to get you diapers’ heavily unnerves me.” –The Rambling Otter

“Mary Worth: When Barney Google is offpanel, he probably walks around thinking things like this about Snuffy and Loweezy.” –Anonymous

“I don’t know how broken up Dick really is. Having your admin assistant check eBay for the stolen crap isn’t really Dick trying his best, I mean hell, he hasn’t even shot anyone yet.” –jerp+jump

“Mary Worth has the luxury of walking around, freely thinking about how ugly Wilbur is, while poor Estelle has to constantly squash that thought if she’s going to get through the day and the night.” –jenna

“I heard somewhere that people are drawn to one another to learn lessons necessary for growth. [Mary is suddenly drenched in ominous shadow] You have not learned, Estelle. I am not done teaching you.” –Dan

“And that’s why I’m sittin’ here rappin’ / While my infant just never stops crappin'” –Peanut Gallery

“‘And now that I’ve put my face out there, I hope this won’t make too many problems for us.’ Hate to tell you this, my dude, but that face? Nothing but problems.” –els

“Does Does Kyle Vidpa’s wife have any expressions that don’t look like she’s being held at gunpoint?” –Violet

“Man, I would hate to see the Apparatus’ Gantt Charts. ‘Wait, wait, wait. This is all screwed up. You’ve got Recruit someone with management experience as a directly dependent task for Establish escort service, but there’s no duration calculated, and you didn’t even bother to include Corrupt with friendly package delivery service. How are you going to line that up with the Work Breakdown Sheet? Bro, do you even have a task code??? What is this, Waterfall Planning for Idiots?!’” –pastordan

“Blondie is a lot more entertaining if you imagine Alexander is just Dagwood’s younger self, terrible fashion sense and all, come to the present, and the two of them proceeded to get zooted on psychotropics while watching a Gene Autry marathon.” –Irrischana

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