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Dick Tracy, 12/20/21

I know I should be focusing on the fact that Blackjack, a member of Dick’s rogue gallery, owned a collection of Dick Tracy memorabilia and Dick promised to look after it when Blackjack went to prison (presumably because Dick sent him there), but it got stolen and Dick feels a genuine sense of personal failure over this, but I’m sorry, I’m very fixated on “that comes later.” Dick really cares about this stolen Dick Tracy collection business! “Sorry, Tess, you get a hug when you do a BETTER JOB scouring the DARK WEB for Blackjack’s stuff. I expect you to sleep on the couch tonight.”

Daddy Daze, 12/20/21

The Daddy Daze daddy is using all the Daddy Daze baby’s clothes for weird, upsetting art projects, and is also just letting the baby pee and poo into nonabsorbent plastic bubble wrap! I’m beginning to think that his divorce may have been too amiable and the Daddy Daze mommy should maybe reconsider their custody arrangements.

Mary Worth, 12/20/21

Mary, that is frankly a lot of words just to say “Damn, the sex must be incredible.”

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/19/21

I initially assumed the solution to this mystery would be animal fact based: bears really do eat salmon and raccoons really do eat lobsters, so the wolf would only get theatrically excited about oysters as part of his criminal middleman routine. But the “strongest alibi” bit truly gets into the Orwellian mindfuck that is life in Slylock’s Forest Kingdom, where you can be immediately found guilty not despite the fact that you have the most evidence pointing to your innocence but because of it! Please do not dwell on the litany of horrors Sly subjected this poor wolf to in order to “convince” him to confess, this is a comic for children.

Panel from The Lockhorns, 12/19/21

Yeah, man, my wife does too? I think think it’s pretty normal for your partner to generally be aware of when you’re in bed, to be honest. Come on, Leroy, this one is a stretch. I am intrigued by the lady who’s just discovered an outlet for her “jolly old elf” fetish, however.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/19/21

I think this is a pretty good look at who would watch this livestream and feel vaguely bad about their contribution to the feeding frenzy over “Cynthia Ivy”‘s real identity: basically normal looking kids and extremely dweeby adults.

Panel from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/19/21

TIRED: Saying “Happy Holidays” is offensive to Real Americans because it diminishes the unique religious importance of Christmas

WIRED: Saying “Happy Holidays” is offensive to Real Americans because it reminds us of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, a strip created by liberal coastal elitists specifically to make fun of the rural poor

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Mary Worth, 12/18/21

I may have said this before, but I feel like the new-model Mary Worth doesn’t have quite enough nose visible when she’s looking straight at the reader — or, as in this case, when she’s looking straight at the reader in Wilbur’s mind, which may indicate that he’s imagining her looking at him? Anyway, like I said, not enough nose. Like Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort. Maybe the fact that she’s appearing here in Wilbur’s imagination shows what he really thinks of her, ha ha! “Can’t wait to get on a cruise ship with my lady, who’s mine forever now, and abandon our pets to the meddling old biddy who browbeat her into getting back together with me! See ya, snake lady, I’m gonna have ocean sex!” Anyway, confidential to Estelle: international waters are a great place to murder somebody.

Crock, 12/18/21

A thing I enjoy doing sometimes is trying to figure out the chain of thought that produced a particularly lame or weird punchline in a comic. Like, today’s Crock: did this start off as a holiday-themed gag, like someone tried to think of what a guy named Kyle (?) would have for Christmas dinner and came up with “pigs’ feet in possum gravy”? Or did the food joke come first, and then the writer realized they needed to make this about Christmas because it was December 18th, so they wedged in “…for the holidays” at the end of the setup? Either way, I appreciate how truly depressed the legionnaire who doesn’t have any dialogue looks, both when he’s hanging up the wreath and when he’s just looking out at us in glum resignation that his lot in life is to be a silent reaction character in Crock.