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Mary Worth, 10/2/21

[At the wedding] “So she said to me, ‘Is that your Frenchie?’” [leers grotesquely, everyone is kind of uncomfortable] “And I said ‘Yes. They’re cute, aren’t they? Except for the…” [really unsettlingly long pause, leers even more grotesquely, everyone waits for it, not really sure what “it” is going to be] “CHEWING!’” [disgust rises, nobody can quite put their finger on what he’s getting at here or what this double entendre is but they can all agree it’s very gross] [there’s no cute Pierre accent jokes in this one, he’s run far, far away at this point]

Hi and Lois, 10/2/21

I love the way the first panel here emphasizes the difference in height between our two mismatched best buds. It’s as if Hi is trying to physically intimidate Thirsty into finally, after literal decades, embracing the craft brew revolution. Sorry, Hi! The whole point is to drink the beers as quickly as possible to get buzzed as quickly as possible, and you can’t do that if you have taste it.

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October is upon us, folks, and you know what that means: Chunky sweaters, pumpkin spice in everything, and your comment of the week on Friday, just like every other time of year:

“Wait — the closest Beetle Bailey has gotten to actual war is war games. Are they using real bullets now? As a taxpayer, I should object, but if one hits Chip Gizmo, I’ll let it slide.” –Pozzo

And your runners up are also fall-tastic!

“I appreciate that there’s a ‘Camp Swampy Bugle‘ sign right behind Rocky’s head because I can only assume before they did that Halftruck would wander into random buildings and yell at whoever was there.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Yes, Rocky is Beetle Bailey’s resident rebel due to his uh … name and hair, I guess? But black pompadour or no, he must refer to his superior as ‘sir.’” –Irrischano

“Say what you want about Dithers, but he doesn’t give himself some fancy desk chair he wouldn’t also buy for his employees. And that’s in spite of how a nice chair might help with the constant discomfort caused by his terrifying stumpy little baby legs. If it’s good enough for his human-legged workers, it’s good enough for him.” –Dan

“I have long admired Dagwood for continuing to wear a tuxedo to work every day since the 1930s long after the joke stopped making sense. I also admire him for writing his contracts with either a pen or a pencil instead of some kind of word processing software, keeping up another habit from the 1930s. His dedication is highlighted by the presence of a monitor on his desktop that must serve as a paperweight of some sort. Hang in there, Dag! Don’t let that blasted 21st century push you around!” –Larry McAwful

“Pluggers are old and weak, and also carry around a lot of crap. It’s sad.” –pugfuggly

“Okay, I’m a little slow, but I just realized the function of Wilbur in Mary Worth: to keep Mary humble. After all, when you constantly create romances, save marriages, and heal trauma with your advice, you need a reminder that not every problem can be solved with your wisdom and platitudes. Advise an older woman that dating a younger man is acceptable, and Wilbur will end up on a cruise dating the dance instructor before getting scammed. Suggest to a lonely older man that a pet is a good way to improve your social life, and Wilbur will go and adopt a dog hoping to ‘pick up chicks.’ Even Wilbur’s job — an advice columnist — makes a twisted mockery of Mary’s noble calling. Wilbur is the Harriet to Mary’s Emma, the Fool to Mary’s Lear, the eternal corrective to Mary’s tendency to pridefulness. In short, it’s our duty as an audience to enjoy watching Wilbur suffer, for only thus can Mary realize the limits to her own power of meddling.” –Thelonius_Nick

“I guess we know why Skyler hasn’t been seen in Shoe lately, child (fledgling?) protective services removed him from a plainly unsanitary living situation.” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“I’ve finally figured it out: Dagwood’s neck is a flesh-colored coiled spring. Someday it’s going to get stretched out and Dagwood’s head will be bobbing around like a broken jack-in-the-box, at least a foot above his body, while he desperately tries to finish snarfing his final sandwich.” –made of wince

“Ten thousand yards uprange, the Lockheed Martin executives and the Generals shook hands. The tech demo was good. The food-seeking micro-missiles would be a line item in the next DoD appropriations bill. Sure, they’d never be used in battle, but as long as the executives got a big raise, and the Generals were all in line to become executives when they retired, everyone was happy. Downrange, PFC Bailey’s blood pooled on the floor of the mess tent.” –Voshkod

“Rarely has Rex been so wrong. Reading your own published work can only result in regret. ‘Look at all the typos. This sequence makes no sense. What idiot wrote this?’” –KevinR

“I interpret Godiva’s self-pointing gesture as an infuriated response to instruction from the director. ‘You want me to make my top even more precarious? This top?!’” –Violet

“‘Ford’s Theatre… Don’t we risk altering history?’ ‘We must! Netflix is eager for new content and we can earn big bucks with a recording of Our American Cousin! For some reason, I can’t find a modern production willing to stage it again.’” –Ettorre

“So there’s evidently a stadium full of spectators — you can see the umbrellas! — sitting out in the dark, in the rain, watching this lone 70-ish woman dance around the center of the field in a storm. After she’s hauled off in a stretcher, maybe they can all go home and dry off.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Just what is the dress code situation at Diet Smith’s lab? Smith himself wears a suit, since he’s the boss, but the other employees are all over the place. One dresses like a UPS guy, plus there’s a lady in a lab coat (because science). Then there’s a third guy wearing what seems to be a suit with a bowtie — conservative enough, but he has the spiky hair and oversized sunglasses of a 1980s advertising mascot. If you ever want to be taken seriously in the mad science game, Smith, I want to see some uniformity among your henchpeople.” –Joe Blevins

“Dagwood’s shocked expression seems a bit much in reaction to a decent but not great joke. Is it because the setup-punchline structure of what he thought was a normal neighborly conversation has torn away the veil of his apparent suburban realm to reveal his life as a simulacrum in which he is an unknowing player for our prurient entertainment? As everything solid melts into air, is his only thought really ’75 bucks? That’s a lot for some shitty electric screwdriver’?” –Lawyerbob

“Wilbur may not look like the peak of human athletic prowess, but at maximum frolicking velocity he is the fastest land animal on Earth. You can hide, Pierre, but you cannot run.” –jroggs

“On the one hand, that’s a pretty dope goldfish. On the other hand … what? He doesn’t … he doesn’t ‘really’ talk? Does he do something similar to talking that you can’t categorize as ‘really’ talking? Is that what the bubbles are supposed to be? Is that where, Dennis, you get the impression that this creature wishes to verbally communicate with you? Is there actually a joke here? Whose fish is this? And why is a fish this gigantic in a bowl this small? Ketcham and associates, why have you done this to me?” –els

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Mary Worth, 10/1/21

“Ah, mes amis! I realize I have not been keeping you up to date about my adventures with Weelbur. Je suis désolé! You see, what happened is, he has taken me out of his terrible apartment and unclipped me from the leash, and then I said au revoir forever! I shall ‘peace out,’ as you Americans say!”

Hi and Lois, 10/1/21

You know, one of my main philosophical beefs with religions that propose an afterlife of eternal rewards and/or punishments is the disproportionality of it all. Like, what could we possibly do in our finite life on Earth that would merit an eternity in heaven, or hell? Your soul in either place could exist for a billion years, so that your entire mortal life would basically be a long-forgotten blink of an eye, and that still would only be an infinitesimal fraction of what you have ahead of you. Can you imagine an angry Dawg confronting a baffled God, demanding to know why he only got 12 or so years on Earth, when soon everyone he ever loved would be joining him in heaven, and they’ll be happy together forever, as transcendent beings. Unless … the Flagstons are going to hell? They’re bad people, they’re going to hell, and Dawg, who lives with them and knows them intimately, is well aware that his few years on this plane are the only ones he’ll ever spend with them, as they’ll all be tortured for all eternity, for their sins? I realize this has gotten pretty heavy, but if Hi and Lois didn’t want me going down this road, it probably shouldn’t have done a comic where a little girl and a dog contemplate mortality.

Dustin, 10/1/21

The thing I appreciate about today’s Dustin is that Dustin’s dad is still wearing his suit, which means that he spent his evening commute seething in a white-hot rage, confident that when got home he would find that Dustin had once again failed to get a job or do anything productive, and worked himself up into a frenzy so intense that he had to find his no-good son and yell at him immediately upon arriving at the house, without even pausing to take off his tie. It’s funny because his whole life is nothing but a series of disappointments!

Blondie, 10/1/21

Having complimented Blondie’s punchline yesterday, I now feel like I have credibility to point out that today’s absolutely sucks ass. Establishing a whole German backstory for Lou (“Ludwig,” I guess?) just to deliver a gag about an oompah band playing a song not associated with oompah music and also see Dagwood get a pile of goo to eat, which despite his ravenous appetite seems very much not his bag? Terrible, terrible all around. Sad to see the strip blow its entire week’s supply of humor in a single day.

Dennis the Menace, 10/1/21

“I’m sure he’d like to. But he can’t! He can’t communicate with anyone! He’s screaming endlessly, in his own mind!” Menace level: very high.