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Judge Parker, 12/6/24

Oh, yeah, my prediction that Judge Parker Senior has his fugitive daughter Anne living in his basement turned out to be correct, much to Randy’s disgust. You see, by now being let onto this secret, Randy must, according to the Laws of Nuptials, inform his wife of his father’s misdeed. His wife. You know, the amoral CIA assassin who loves to kill? I think she’ll be fine with a little fugitive-hiding, actually. Anyway we also learned earlier this week that Anne has to sneak upstairs at night to go pee, which I think is the most problematic thing going on here quite frankly.

The Phantom, 12/6/24

Oh, also, it turns out that Diana has stumbled upon not just one guy who got punched out by the Phantom, but a whole subculture of guys who got punched out by the Phantom, and a new getting-punched-out-by-The-Phantom pub that’s opening up to celebrate the Phantom-punchee lifestyle. Her husband’s flown in to enjoy the proceedings incognito, and honestly, I think that’s great for him. All these having-been-punched guys seem like real delights now, and the Ghost-Who-Punches-And-Who-Punched-These-Guys-Specifically deserves to see how his particular brand of restorative justice punching transforms lives.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/6/24

Oh, also also, Merle is continuing to bleed out on the sidewalk of his suburban subdivision. Maybe the ambulance is going to get there in time, maybe not! Just thought you’d like to know what’s going on (what’s going on is bleeding).

Hi and Lois, 12/6/24

Your parents telling you no is supposed to give you something to aspire to or rebel against; but to Chip, it’s just a sign that he’s destined to be a non-motorcyclist forever due to family law, or possibly genetics. True loser behavior!

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Crock, 12/5/24

If these two guys have names, I don’t know what they are — the Wikipedia Crock article just calls them “the men of Outpost 5,” and they don’t merit a mention on the official King Features Crock character list — but their deal basically is that the guy on the right is always reading letters aloud about life in his hillbilly home town back in France (?). Anyway, I find today’s bit actually kind of heartening. The guy on the left generally looks uninterested during these recitations, but it’s clear he’s been paying attention. He knows the lore!

Gil Thorp, 12/5/24

“Coach, let me rephrase that. It’s cool that you decided to come back from your extended sick leave and all, but I get the feeling you’re only doing it to engage in psychological gamesmanship against your hated rival and not because you’re interested in molding a new generation of student-athletes or anything like that. I’m just a teenager who wants to play football! I don’t think I should be going out there! I’m not equipped for the emotional complexity of this whole scene!”

Gearhead Gertie, 12/5/24

Some might say that having two near-identical drawings in this cartoon is “lazy,” but I think it really hammers home Gertie’s emotional state. Her beloved NASCAR is in danger due to internal conflict, and she’s not exactly sure who to blame or how it’s going to end — maybe if she stays very still and just vaguely shit-talks the legal system, everything will work out for the best.

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Slylock Fox, 12/4/24

An extremely fond memory I have from my youth is seeing Fugazi playing an outdoor show in San Francisco sometime around the turn of the millennium and getting to hear Ian MacKaye earnestly plead with the crowd to not overturn the port-a-potties. “Why do punks always want to fuck up the toilets?” he asked. “Toilets are good! Toilets take shit away.” Sanitation workers are part of this same waste disposal infrastructure; they help make modern life possible, but they similarly receive endless disrespect, their reputations stained by the very purifying acts they perform on our behalf. They deserve our praise, not for children to prank them with overly elaborate mechanisms that might lead them to think some undead ghoul was attacking them while they’re just trying to do their jobs. Maybe we deserve the animals rising up to overthrow us and take over our planet, though if the expression on that cat’s face is any indication, the new civilization will be born already tainted by the sins of its predecessor.

Alice, 12/4/24

Alice! Alice, your boss, Mr. Bossman, appears to have provided exactly one computer, one table, and zero chairs for you and your coworker, so I guarantee that he is already cooking up an extremely ill-conceived plan to cut costs by replacing you with AI.