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Funky Winkerbean, 7/3/21

You might recall (or you might not, because why would you, honestly) that “Flash Freeman” and “Ruby Lith” are two unjustly forgotten (fictional) figures from the Golden Age of Comics (or honestly maybe the Silver Age, I don’t have a firm grasp on either when the various Comics Ages were or where the current Funky Winkerbean timeline stands relative to actually historical dates) who came back to work at Batom Comics with Darrin and Mopey Pete. Anyway, the good new is that now they’re being recognized more and more, and honestly it’s an extremely Funky Winkerbean thing to make up a character out of whole cloth and then try to spin approbation they receive as a feel-good triumph-of-the-underdog story. It’s also an extremely Funky Winkerbean thing for that approbation to attract sinister, unwanted attention, so I assume that’s what’s going on here.

The Lockhorns, 7/3/21

Well, it looks like they finally imprisoned the Lockhorns in that plastic jail where they put Magneto in the first X-Men movie, just like I’ve been urging all this time!

Mary Worth, 7/3/21

Yes! That’s right, ladies! Don’t attack each other! FIGHT THE REAL ENEMY

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Whose John Hancock is on this week’s top comment? Why, it’s Schroduck!

“The fact that Marvin wouldn’t even use the sudoku brand name but is fine namechecking a product from the planet’s most powerful megacorporation and associating it with a pooping nightmare baby makes me think they want to get sued. Perhaps when you’re in this deep, the cartooning equivalent of suicide-by-cop seems like the only way out.” –Schroduck

These other commenters are also hilarious, truly a set of founding parents for our nation!

“Marvin is of course fascinated by any technological gadget he can operate through his ass.” –Ettorre

“Having spent upwards of several seconds pondering the matter, I believe that Bullseye is supposed to be a play on Target, though I don’t know why that would be remarkable to Funky or his financial institutions. However, many stores in real life carry some variation of the name Bullseye, and they’re usually firearms retailers. So maybe I’m wrong and Funky just set up his bank notifications to get some forewarning in case Holly decided to come home one day with a Gary Lourde Special to make him pay for his countless crimes against the English language.” –jroggs

“A garish, patterned tie? No, no. Not for me. I’ll stick with my trusty reddish-orange model. It goes perfectly with my tight black pants, light brown shoes, and curiously undersized light blue blazer. This, children, is what you call an ensemble.” –Joe Blevins

“I can’t believe he doesn’t think that hunting down living shadows to skin and make into throw pillows for our couch isn’t work! I swear, Jenny, the old man only thinks dungeon-delving and kobold-slaying counts.” –Voshkod

“Remember when I gave up my huge inheritance to marry you? Well, it’s finally paying off!” –GeoGreg

“I’m glad Shauna found water wings that match her tube top.” –matt+w

“The suspense is killing me. Are they each going to yell, ‘BITCH!! and hurl their scalding hot coffees at each other’s faces, or yell, ‘YOU’RE LATE!!’ and hurl them at Drew’s?” –Joe Btfsplk

“[Extremely David Attenborough voice] Crushed by the weight of the word balloons piled on top of her head, the young raven-hair must make a life-or-death decision: to stay where she is, or to take a hint.” –pastordan

“I long for the day when Mary Worth allowed such harsh words as ‘slattern’ rather than requiring grawlixes for them.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Obviously, this ‘fight‘ is pure kayfabe, a worked shoot. Like everyone’s pointed out, they’re not even spilling their coffees — yet! They’re saving the coffees for when Drew shows up, tries to break it up, and ‘scalds’ the both of them. One quick phone call to the personal injury lawyers at 1-888-YA-BURNT later and Ashlee and Shauna are sitting pretty in a brand new double-wide while Drew pulls triple shifts in the ER to pay off the settlements.” –Effluvius Erratus

“Isn’t Buck nominally supposed to be representing Jake Rowling/Kyle Vidpa’s interests here. I don’t think leading with ‘severe case of writer’s block‘ is going to help his bargaining position at all.” –Not Greg Evans

“This probably says more about me than it does about the comic, but goddamn it, there has never been a Six Chix that didn’t cause me to untether from reality and gaze into the abyss for awhile. Just… what IS this? The art is very unpleasant. The finger is wearing a crown for some reason. There is no joke present. And furthermore, the artist seems to know that there’s no joke present. Adding the words ‘dang teeny-weeny’ to the sentence ‘No paper cut was going to ruin her day’ — THERE AREN’T EVEN EXCLAMATION POINTS — does not a joke make. And yet, here we are. In despair.” –els

“All Drew really wants is to provide emergency first aid to hot sexy ladies, so this is a big day for him.” –lorne

“Wait. Yesterday, Ashlee and Shauna were slapping each other. Are we to interpret from this that they set down their coffees to do that, then picked them back up to throw in each other’s faces today? ‘I thought we could duel according to the ancient slap-fighting Code of Honor, but you dared to label me an &#^@%!! You brought this COFFE on yourself, wastrel!’” –Navigator

“Come on. Henry’s handicap is his personality.” –nescio

“She thinks there are more important things than golf! But golf is everything! The companionship, the sport, the unspeakable rituals, golf has it all! When our dread lord Pa’ar rises from the green, she’ll finally understand! THEY’LL ALL UNDERSTAND!” –Ahno neemus.

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Bizarro, 7/2/21

Hey, guys! Do you know how amphibians reproduce? In turns out that in a lot of species, the females lay unfertilized eggs in water, and then later the males come along and ejaculate onto them. Do, uh, do you think any of the people involved in the editorial process that ended with this cartoon being published in newspapers everywhere know this? Anyway, I know I don’t usually talk about Bizarro here, but felt compelled to point out that the strip today went where Hagar the Horrible doesn’t dare; I checked my archives to see if I had ever discussed Bizarro before, and it turns that (a) sometimes Uncle Lumpy does when he fills in for me and (b) this isn’t even the first time it’s done a “so how exactly does human-mermaid sex work” panel.

Dennis the Menace, 7/2/21

Wow, remember like two weeks ago when Henry was all like, “my wife commands me and I must obey?” Well, I guess he’s still saying that, but he seems a lot less turned on by it at this point.