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What’s that sound? It’s the C to the O to the T to the W!

“Mary would rather tsk, tsk about the wild, sexy girl on a bad path than watch the magnificent pod of dolphins frolicking a hundred feet away from her. Say what you will about our Mary, she likes what she likes.” –BigTed

And your hilarious runners up are also making some noise!

“Six casters on your office chair and an ice rink for a floor is an OSHA farce.” –Ben Harper, on Twitter

“So disappointing to see the Lego bricks sitting there as a choking hazard for five panels while Marvin fails to take the bait. And his parents are distracted, too.” –nescio

“What the fuck is going on with Dick’s hand in that middle panel? Is this like the hands-free model of his watch phone, where you strap a plastic forearm to your shoulder?” –pugfuggly

“Dennis is going to be real disappointed in 20 years, when this kid isn’t the sympathetic defense attorney representing him, but rather the high profile D.A. bringing the charges.” –richardf8

“Look Hi, I’ll put it like this: if it’s a choice of having you working here or me having to look at your hideous family’s peanut-shaped heads and your baby’s weird hair all the time, well, you don’t want me making that decision.” –Truckosaurus

“Poor Chip. He puts on his cleanest hat, irons his shirt, finally combs the goddamn hair out of his goddamn eyes, and they still make him stand fourteen feet away from everyone else. Even Ditto is more included, and everyone hates that asshole.” –els

“I assume Mary’s out meddling in the lives of smugglers or fish because I can’t imagine her doing something as frivolous as a boat ride simply for pleasure.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Nega-Hi looked back at the Phantom Zone he had mounted as a trophy on the wall. The real Hi and his family, nearly frozen in time and space, looked back in horror. The boss rolled his eyes and moved on, and Nega-Hi began his march of conquest. First, this cube. Next, this floor. Finally, the company and eventually, the world! But for now, he finished his coffee as he chortled about his victory over the boss and the rules. Coffee first, conquest second, right after he finished those reports. There’s always time for conquest, he thought.” –Voshkod

“Panel 2’s art might have been better saved for the day Dr. Jeff has to tell Mary about his terminal cancer diagnosis. Maybe it’s just me, but these are some really heavy emotional expressions for, ‘My son dated someone who wasn’t a cloistered nun,’ and ‘Really?’” –jroggs

“That birdie is a liar! Nothing gets interesting here!” –Ettorre

“No tongue-wagging laughter after the punchline? What’s the matter with these people? Did they just get back from a funeral or something?” –made of wince

“Bird sex doesn’t require being attractive to humans, it requires being attractive to other birds. When that male bird wants to find a mate, he puffs up his chin butt and lets out a loud farting sound. It may be repulsive to us, but to the female of his species it’s pants-droppingly sexy AF.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Dennis the Menace trying to cash in on some of that sweet, sweet, uh… I guess Lockhorns cash?” –Dan

“While we’re on the topic of mouths vs. beaks, how exactly does a lipless bird-gal drink a martini? Does she just tilt the glass towards her face and hope for the best?” –Mr. A

“Depending on your point of view either Dennis is too young to remember Married with Children or it’s still three decades from airing. Anyway, it’s nice that he can drop by the Wilsons’ place anytime for some substitute Bundy barbs.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Maybe it’s just the doctor in me, Mary, but I would love to perform an appendectomy on you right now.” –Peanut Gallery

“Shouldn’t a flatlander like Barney have a car and not have to go everywhere on horseback, on a horse named for a car part? Or is the terrain of Hootin’ Holler so rugged that there’s no way for a car to negotiate it? Or is it just that bringin’ one of them fancy, demonic horseless carriages up there and flauntin’ it around all the time is a good way to get murdered?” –Morgan Wick

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/21/21

Ha ha! It’s funny because Orville in his grief has been forced to part with his ancestral home, his one asset that can raise cash in his crushingly poor community thanks to the interest of a relatively wealthy outsider, but now he’s about to be fleeced of all his money from that outsider’s friend!

Hagar the Horrible, 5/21/21

I’d like to imagine that this strip as originally submitted featured Lucky Eddie sitting astride his centaur steed, but the syndicate editors deemed that “too horny” and demanded that it be redrawn. The revised version, with Eddie riding demurely sidesaddle, is just horny enough.

Mary Worth, 5/21/21

Jeff, you want to live, don’t you? You want to keep on living on this Earth? Then I’m going to need you to choose your next words very carefully.

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Mother Goose and Grimm, 5/20/21

I’ve mocked them over the years, but I have come to respect the humble comics colorists as a vital part of the operation on the funny pages, and indeed believe sometimes they put more thought into their jobs than the cartoonists do. Take today’s Mother Goose and Grimm, for instance. The title character is, by long established convention, a bird, so her nose/mouth area gets a beak coloring, and her friend/drinking companion, despite her long hair, has a generally bird-like look, so she gets the same treatment. But what about the dude? In the suit? Is he a bird? He has a big pointy nose but he also has a big bulbous chin butt, rather than a chin drawn to resemble basically the bottom half a beak, like the ladies? But Ma Goose’s friend definitely wants to marry and/or fuck this guy, possibly not in that order, so it would be unseemly if he weren’t a bird, right? Better give his whole … nose/mouth … beak-ish … area the established beak aesthetic. Just to be safe!

Family Circus, 5/20/21

Another institution I’ve come to respect more and more over the years is the Family Circus. Say what you will about its treacly aura or its grandma-fridge fanbase, but it does commit to the consistency of its characters no matter where that leads. What I mean to say is that Billy is absolutely the kind of kid who would learn about the distinction between who and whom at school and then try to use his new knowledge to make his mom feel dumb, unsuccessfully.

Dennis the Menace, 5/20/21

A lot of people think Mr. Wilson is grumpy because Dennis is always over at his house annoying him, but there’s more to it than that. For instance, he also resents his wife of many years and thinks his marital life is a prison!