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The Lockhorns, 2/13/21

Based on their relatively modest tract home and Leroy’s rail commute and his Jets and Mets fandom, I’ve long assumed that the Lockhorns was an inhabitant of Long Island. However, today’s panel makes me think that perhaps they actually live in the part of New Jersey just across the river from Manhattan, as the Garden State is one of the few that have statewide elections in odd-numbered years; they could also live in New York City itself, which is gearing up for a mayoral campaign this year, although their suburban lifestyle woud only make this likely if they lived on Staten Island or maybe in outermost Queens. Anyway, the best thing going on here is that Loretta has made the mailman stand in the doorway while she assesses her mail in terms of what it means for her marriage, and his numb, resigned facial expression tells us that this is definitely not the first time this has happened.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/13/21

“What do you think the answer to that question is?” is a stereotypical bit of therapist-speak because much of the point of talk therapy is to get the patient to really self-reflect and understand their own mind and emotional state. I feel like when you’re a nutritionist, though, your job is really to just deliver straightforward information about what patients should and shouldn’t do? Just tell him not to eat an entire 1,600 calorie fast food meal in one sitting, lady! That’s what he’s paying you for!

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Folks, we can always afford a top comment of the week!

“You can’t judge me, Narration Box! You don’t even have blood!” –Applemask

Is laughter the best medicine? Scientists and doctors say it definitely is not, but the FDA hasn’t banned the hilarious runners up yet, so we’re going to give them to you:

“Between the title in the first throwaway panel, the coloring, and those glinty lines, it really does look like Dennis’s nose nuggets are meant to be taken as literal gold. I guess Henry wants Dennis to save his golden boogers for later in life. They’re as much of a retirement fund as he’ll ever have.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“NO! You did NOT earn that self-satisfied smirk, lady! Sure, it’s the Funkyverse and everyone thinks they’re a word play genius, but this isn’t even word play. Unless I’m mistaken and that look is just because you enjoy another human’s misery, then please, continue on.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“‘I cooked it the same as always. With extra salt, because we live in a desert and people need extra salt to counter what they lose to perspiration. Huh, those guys are looking at geese. Strange to see them so far south, and not near any water source.’ –Thrilling True Life Tales of Crock will continue!” –Voshkod

“[In announcer voice:] Tessi sees her opening and GOES FOR IT, pretending to care about Vic so he’ll give her a cool nickname and elevate her to stardom! Vic feints AND BLOCKS, saddling her with ‘The Contessa’ instead! This strip knows how the game is played! … Wait, I’m getting a message from our producer. Quick clarification, fans: That game is psychological one-upmanship, to be clear, and NOT basketball, about which Gil Thorp remains largely uninterested. We regret any confusion.” –Doctor Moreau

“Beetle is giving Sarge the gift of an AWOL charge, which will get him dishonorably discharged and out of Sarge’s life forever, save for when he testifies at the military tribunal.” –Sideshow Jon

“A mixtape! [Wait a minute, cassettes are no longer in use! Do young people use something equivalent? Probably, let’s keep it generic] A music mix!” –Ettorre

“My theory is that the two people in front are with the SEC. It turns out that Leroy has been wearing a wire in a lot of the interactions we see with his co-workers, who are going down for insider trading. Leroy has been useful to them, but that doesn’t mean they have to listen to him go on about his horrible home life.” –Tom T.

“I’m looking forward to the day a tongue specialist comes to Hootin’ Holler and repairs everyone’s problems. It’s obvious not a soul was born with a normal sized tongue; think of all the drool that will be eliminated and the danger of slipping and falling taken away!” –Randy Richter

“Leroy has decided that wearing ballet shoes everywhere was too subtle, and has escalated to outright bragging about his agility.” –A Concerned Reader

“I can’t help but wonder why we’re all so focused on the heteronormative dating that no one is asking what ‘the movies’ look like in this neck of the woods. I assume they set out a lantern and watch moths fly around it.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Saul: ‘Good. Keep going.’
Eve: ‘To my therapist, you mean?’
Saul: ‘Well, yeah. But also, just keep saying stuff. I’ve run out of conversation on my end.’” –Joe Blevins

“Skyler got the definition of irony from that famous bird philosopher, Avianis Morissette.” –BigTed

“Jeff, you’ll know the way every Keane has known since the dawn of time: when your parents tell you which girl they’ve bought from her parents with 10 goats and 2 talents of gold.” –Dread

“There is a cop in Milford town
They call the Rising Sun.
And he’s been the ruin of many a poor boy
But Doug Guthrie, he ain’t one.” –But What Do I Know?

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The Phantom, 2/12/21

Our tale of Luche Libre adventure is proceeding apace, with our Phantom-assisted luchador, having already busted up a drug lord’s compound, is now heading into Rhodia’s most notorious prison to free his friend. Today’s strip gives an insight into what gets the policemen who power this police state off: it’s Free Rider magazine, featuring full-color pictorials of hot, hot gals who aren’t afraid to exploit market failures in public goods! These sexpots use the roads and parks that your taxes pay for, and they don’t care who knows it!

Gil Thorp, 2/12/21

Hmm, I guess part of the deal with Doug Guthrie is that the cops love him and are willing to wink at his traffic (?) transgressions, because who doesn’t love a kid who loves cars, or maybe his dad is a cop, who can say. Unfortunately for this friendly policeman, “ease up” is a well-known Gil Thorp trigger phrase that could quickly lead to unspeakable violence. Barring a development along those lines, however, I would like to know a lot more about Tom Muench’s illicit parrot-smuggling operation.

Family Circus, 2/12/21

This sort of confusion of the domestic and political spheres is exactly why the Keane family always strongly opposed women’s suffrage in the first place! Won’t someone think of the children?