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Marvin, 11/21/20

I have to say, I really assumed that Marvin would quickly lose interest in Finn and Gill, the goldfish who hate Marvin, hate each other, and hate themselves, and would fall back into its easy rhythm of jokes about how babies — get this — aren’t toilet trained and almost seem to take a certain joy in pooping themselves. But obviously the narrative appeal of two goldfish who are condemned to spend the rest of their miserable lives with one another is impossible to resist. I was going to say “short, miserable lives” but a little Googling reveals that goldfish when well cared for can live longer than a decade, and anyway Marvin’s been a baby since 1982, so who knows how much longer these guys have to suffer with one another! They’re definitely going to be suffering a lot more once the Marvin crew realizes that fish just poop in their own bowl and then swim around in their own poop until someone cleans it out, which doesn’t strike me as something that’d be a particularly high priority for Marvin’s feckless family.

Mary Worth, 11/21/20

“I know your issues with family addiction and my own drug-using past make you nervous, baby, but let me assure you: you’re my drug now, and you’re the one I’ll do anything to possess, no matter who tries to stop me” –an email from a very smart and self-aware person who definitely is not going to be disappointed

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Whoa check it out everybody, it’s this week’s top comment!

“Jeffy may gripe about the ninth plague, but he’ll be ecstatic when the tenth arrives.” –Lt. Kije

And some funny runners up? Absolutely.

“Didn’t many species of dinosaurs have extremely short arms? It makes sense that they couldn’t possibly survive multiple asteroids landing on Earth, but it seems just as unlikely that they could win a game of basketball.” –BigTed

“How did the Parson get so much money from a dirt-poor community? Well, he’s using covid as a threat. ‘We’ll put the collection basket on this long stick,’ he told his congregation, ‘but if we don’t collect enough money, next week the stick gets shorter.’” –Ace

“Cut to: Parson Tuttle forlornly eating money.” –Joe Blevins

“Which color blazer goes best with a hot pink bowler hat and muay thai shorts? Doesn’t matter, because the bride and groom already made the most important decision for a pleasant wedding ceremony: not inviting Slylock Fox.” –jroggs

“Smash cut to 32-year-old Dennis struggling to get his drivers license out of his piggy bank to hand to the cop.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Slylock knows that a guy who eats cheese in bed is guaranteed to get stains on his white coat, possibly before the ceremony even starts.” –Bill L

“Sam Catchem throwing out an enthusiastic ‘Nice’ to look smart in front of Tracy, before admitting to himself he has no idea what Lt. Gizmo actually said, and therefore having to follow up with a sheepish ‘So, that means…’ is heartbreakingly relatable. Dick Tracy: Come for the grotesque physical violence, stay for the emotional self-flagellation!” –Doctor Moreau

“How come we just now hear about his work with kids? I’m sorry Tommy, but just hanging around a playground trying to sell weed is not a recognized charity.” –Maltmash3r

“Bird Lady’s expression speaks volumes. ‘It’s another bit,’ she moans internally. ‘Everything’s a fucking bit around here! There’s not a single unironic utterance to be heard! Goodness knows I try to be a decent person, but I must have done something pretty terrible to be condemned to live in a town of sad-sack amateur comedians.’” –Urlance Woolsbane

“It’s happened! Another victim of Mary’s notorious Slouching Sofa. Now it will be a long battle before Tommy can sit up straight again.” –Arabella

“Masterful meddle by Mary here, convincing Tommy to volunteer more as penance for a thing he didn’t do. ‘Yes, Tommy, you resisted the offer of drugs immediately and forcefully, but then again, she did still leave you, didn’t she? If only you had done more, perhaps you would have earned some small happiness.’” –BananaSam

“Well one good thing about Tommy, he won’t make the world of drug dealing seem interesting.” –N.L. Urker, the Phillips screwdriver of the gods

“[a month later] What do you think, you kids know how I can get Brandy to take me back?” –Dan

“BROKE: Pets have no conception of the different days of the week
WOKE: In the COVID era and the month-long election night, humans have no conception of the different days of the week” –Ettorre

“Can’t wait for tomorrow’s strip, which deals with Sourpuss’ love of fettuccine.” –Pozzo

“When Jeffy gazes into the abyss, the abyss gazes somewhere else, because the kid is freaky looking.” –Voshkod

“Dagwood cuts the tip off the cornucopia and uses it as a funnel to get all that crap in his gullet as quickly as possible.” –nescio

“You know how that guy in The Princess Bride found out about that incredibly deadly fictional poison and slowly built up his immunity until it had no effect on him? Dagwood has been doing the same thing with vibrio infections.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Man, that kid is just going to town on that bag that was full of … well, eggs and baking powder. I feel like however hungry they might be, they are going to regret it.” –pachoo

“Yes, despite his youth, Elmo’s mastery of Latin has progressed to the fourth declension. By next week, a discussion of res extensa will lead to Dagwood consuming an extremely large sub.” –Nekrotzar

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Blondie, 11/20/20

I’m trying very hard to imagine what sort of elementary school curriculum might include the concept of a “horn of plenty”? An art history lesson on how a once commonplace object evolved into a standardized icon over the centuries, and has now become an almost entirely abstract symbol with no grounding in anybody’s day-to-day life, would be very interesting to me, though maybe a little heady for eight-year-olds. Meanwhile, what do you think is the most disturbing/hilarious part of Dagwood’s horn of plenty? A lotta people are going to pick the cooked lobster, which obviously isn’t going to keep very long unrefrigerated, but let’s not sleep on the hamburger that’s just kind of sitting on the table in front of everything else.

Slylock Fox, 11/20/20

You’re probably wondering: What relationship does this entirely mundane domestic scene have to the Slylock Fox world of sapient animal dominance? Well, my guess is that we’re seeing the early post-animalpocalypse period, when the remaining pockets of human survivors have been defeated and confined to restricted zones, only allowed out to forage for subsistence at strictly defined times. This lady’s family is too hungry to wait to get this month’s provisions in the house.

Family Circus, 11/20/20

Wow, looks like Ma and Pa Keane finally gave into BIG GOVERNMENT’S DESPOTIC FIRE CODES and put some smoke alarms in the house, probably because someone from CPS threatened to put their children into foster care if they didn’t, and the kids seemed a little too into the idea.