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Dennis the Mance, 4/11/20

Yes, yes, the real menace here is that Dennis’s mom is forcing her son to be a messenger in her marital psychodrama, and is just standing in the doorway watching him do it to boot, but I cannot get over the suitcase that Henry is backing for his bacchanalian trip to Sin City. Crisp white dress shirt after crisp white dress shirt … blue check pants, or maybe a sport jacket, or maybe a whole suit … those ladies aren’t gonna know what hit ’em!

Dick Tracy, 4/11/20

Many people worry: how will the elderly and others not fully plugged in to the internet stay informed as print media finally dies out? Well, don’t worry: they can just pick up their old-timey crank-driven phones and call up their cop friends to find out what they missed.

Gil Thorp, 4/11/20

Say what you will about Gil Thorp, but the strip really knows how to build up to a narrative crescendo and end the week on a cliffhanger! A walk? In the third inning? I’m on the edge of my seat!

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It’s time for this week’s funniest comment!

“I don’t know why everyone is so surprised at this turn of events: if there’s one thing that gets everyone in Westview horny, it’s tragic deaths.” –pugfuggly

It’s also time for this week’s runners up!

“Why does the face in the tabletop picture frame have a black bar across the eyes? There is a level of kink in the Mitchell household that I’m not sure I can handle knowing about.” –Pat Ferruzza, on Facebook

“You know you’ve hired the correct guy to write your medical-themed comic strip when the most meticulously researched thing in his entire career is the collection of names of alt country and roots rock acts scribbled on a dressing room wall.” –TH Steady

“I am dying to know what libertarian decided to commission a statue of Atlas in his local public park to protest his tax dollars funding it.” –Gareth

“I see the ‘Gil Thorp Random Name Generator’ is operating at peak efficiency.” –Lawyerbob

“‘The forecast says it might snow tomorrow.’ ‘Doesn’t matter. Or at least not to me, since I won’t be there. I’ll check in around May 10, to see how things are going.’” –seismic-2

“Look at Grampa, there! With his suavely-manicured moustache, self-assured air, stylish dress and snarky put-downs. We don’t see much of Grampa, for some reason. That’s possibly because visiting his grandson involves walking past Wilson, previously Sgt Wilson, whom Grampa strongly suspects to this day tried to frag his cosseted Ivy League ass that day in Da Nang.” –Hergen

“The questionable art in today’s Six Chix aside, I’ve lived in Chicago for thirteen years now and I do entirely agree with the message being conveyed here. Most neighborhood pizza joints around here serve a thin crust cut into squares, and I’ve both ordered and been served this style probably 90+% of the time I’ve eaten pizza here. Deep dish is eaten here, but somewhat rarely. So Six Chix might have done a public service by moving the needle on that … toward deep dish, because the thought of tavern style pizza having a face and cartoon ‘sexy eyelashes,’ winking at me as I gaze in astonishment at a hot, fresh pie just recently delivered, is deeply unsettling and I would prefer the entirely ordinary-looking deep dish to that horrorshow of a pizza slice, thank you.” –BorgHunter

“Not only is Doc Pritchard a hill person, the cast of Snuffy Smith also includes characters named Granny and Grampy Pritchard, who must be related to him somehow but seem to be roughly the same age, maybe a little older. Have things gotten so depraved in Hootin’ Holler that a person’s parents might also be his grandparents?” –Joe Blevins

“Well! I guess they don’t shit in the woods!” –nescio

“Given how much Polly has grown between the first two panels (from slightly above regular parrot-size to Big Bird) I expect a Godzilla situation by the end of the week. I look forward to finding out how Gasoline Alley manages to make this boring.” –Horace Broon

“Okay, nobody was anticipating the levels of social distancing we would be at now back when this Funky Winkerbean comic was being so lovingly prepared. The fact that they went beyond creepy to horrifying with the face touch is just a sign of this strip’s unerring talent for grossing you out.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

This is what you get if Jeffrey Dahmer wrote a spec script for Pixar.” –ArtistFKAtoxic

“So, Buck, what’s your life insurance situation? What kind of estate would your spouse stand to inherit, anyway? Big inheritances are SO sexy. Do you know anything about brake maintenance? No? Great.” –Cloudbuster

“You know a comic strip has gone off the rails when your reaction to the punchline is ‘Wait, what does Hi Flagston think nuclear annihilation involves?’” –Schroduck

“This makes no sense. Everything I learned from cartoons tells me that the one wearing the beret is supposed to be the director.” –Peanut Gallery

“I know Hi means well, but millennials fear climate change AND nuclear war. Like buying a house or having a pension, a mind that can only hold one existential anxiety at a time is a luxury for boomers and Gen X.” –Ettorre

“Sophie’s verbose smear slogan rolls off the tongue like a mouthful of bee stingers. At least the message is clear: Mayor Sanderson is a phony! Or … a talented performer that deserves a prominent role in this film, maybe? Sophie’s loyalties change so frequently it could easily be either.” –jroggs

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Judge Parker, 4/10/20

Oh, shoot, let’s catch you up on some Judge Parker storylines I’ve been neglected: Toni is indeed working out her political irritations by running for mayor, and Sophie, who was already looking for a non-Alan campaign to latch onto in order to irritate her family, is volunteering for (and possibly running?) Toni’s campaign, and also Neddy and Ronnie’s Netflix show about April has started filming in Cavelton. Today we learn that, despite all the narrative excitement of the mayoral race being focused on the Alan vs. Toni battle, there’s apparently an incumbent mayor who’s also running, who under normal circumstances would probably be heavily favored! Now, I’m not a data-obsessed geopolitics expert like Sophie, but if I were running an ex-newscaster’s insurgent mayoral campaign, I’d be advising her to leverage her regional fame and media contacts to get her message out rather than, apparently, having her teenage campaign manager yell things to disrupt a TV production that’s probably making a bunch of local hires and boosting the town’s economy.

Hi and Lois, 4/10/20

Damn, Hi and Lois, climate change is old news — it’s all about global pandemics now! Try to keep up with the depressing, depressing times, won’t you?