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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/26/20

Guys, I think our favorite medical-themed soap opera strip is going to start talking about the one medical problem that everyone’s got on their mind these days? Nobody’s said “COVID” or “coronavirus” yet but Truck’s talking about staying with his brother “for the duration” and he won’t be playing clubs for a while, so I think the Morganverse is finally going to catch up with us! Anyway, Buck, tech support for the downtrodden, is going to set up some kind of streaming concert for Truck on Twitch or Instagram Live or something, which honestly sounds pretty sad, not at all like the Zoom comedy show I’m doing next week, which will be fun and cool and good.

Mary Worth, 5/26/20

Fortunately for the Dawns of this world, Mary Worth, the comic strip, very much does not turn on a dime. Did you think this Dawn/Jared plotline was basically over two weeks ago when Dawn told Jared she wouldn’t be dumping him? Turns out nope! Turns out Dawn’s gonna process it all and there’s no end in sight!

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Blondie, 5/25/20

If you had asked me to make a list of Dagwood’s trademark “things,” obviously sandwiches would be at the top, but I’d also say sleepiness, being a slacker at work, insatiable hunger (if we’re thinking of that as a separate thing from the sandwiches), his constant physical abuse of the mailman, and his weird passive-aggressive relationship with his supposed “best friend” and next door neighbor. “Classic TV” wouldn’t appear anywhere on the list, and while as written for the last decade or two Dagwood has embodied powerful boomer vibes and I’d definitely believe that he’s into classic TV, all the TV jokes in this strip are about made-up shows with food themes that he’s obsessed with (see “insatiable hunger,” above). This strip, in other words, has shaken me to my very core.

Gil Thorp, 5/25/20

“If you hadn’t imposed a life-altering punishment on a student for an extremely minor infraction, you could’ve been fired and reduced to penury yourself! Remember, in this totalitarian panopticon, we are simultaneously the enforcers of arbitrary rules and subject to them. It’s very grim!”

Marvin, 5/25/20

Man, it took me a lot longer than it should’ve for to realize that by “poor loser” the girl baby whose name I refuse to learn or look up means what a normal English speaker would call a “sore loser”; I thought she meant someone who was a loser because they were poor, and I actually started getting indignant on Marvin’s behalf. He’s not poor at all! Have you seen his bathroom? It’s a fucking palace!

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Mark Trail, 5/24/20

Hey, kids, you might think that Communism in general, and longtime Hungarian Socialist Workers’ Party General Secretary János Kádár in particular, are pretty cool. But would any just political system have made these adorable fuzzy pigs into an endangered species? Say what you will about the authoritarian tendencies of current Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán, but the mangalitsa is back, baby!

Funky Winkerbean, 5/24/20

The current story of Hollywood is that mid-budget movies have essentially ceased to exist, which means that directors usually leap directly from tiny indies to huge comic-book blockbusters; this has been the trajectory of Taika Waititi (who went from twee, offbeat New Zealand comedies to Thor: Ragnarok) and Colin Trevorrow (who made Safety Not Guaranteed for $750,000 and then did Jurassic World and almost got to do a Star Wars). But in the Funkyverse, where everything is backwards and people apparently find Les Moore not just likable but admirable, Mason is going to convince his pal to go the other way, from making millions from Starbuck Jones, an exciting movie that apparently many people enjoyed, to directing the maudlin, unwatchable Lisa’s Story, sure, why not!

Dennis the Menace, 5/24/20

Guys, today’s Dennis the Menace, in which Dennis never appears and his parents are the real dog-neglecting menace, tantalizes us with the vision of a version of this strip that’s just day after day of Mr. Wilson coming up with petty acts of revenge on everyone who’s ever wronged him, and honestly? I’ve never wanted anything more.