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Hagar the Horrible, 8/30/25

Look, despite the fun (“fun”) I have here detailing all the anachronisms in Hagar the Horrible, I do in fact get that the anachronisms are the point of the strip, that it’s not a realistic historical drama but rather a comedy where half of its whole deal is “What if these Vikings acted like modern middle-class people sometimes?” But I feel like to pull this off you do need to maintain a narrative unity just within an individual strip, whereas today’s installment is all over the map. Hagar napping in a hammock in his fenced suburban yard? Sure, why not. Hagar interacting with some culture that uses smoke signals for communication, like Native Americans or medieval Italians? Fine, Vikings actually encountered both groups. But put the two together and it’s a mess. A mess, I say! Are we to believe that Hagar lives in Newfoundland or Apulia now? I don’t buy it!

Mary Worth, 8/30/25

Wow, Mary spends weeks gushing about how unique Olive is and all the special gifts she has, and then the girl does one little reincarnation fantasy at the Met and all of the sudden Mary’s like “Damn, this kid is a weirdo. Those bullies were right!”

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Forget the equinox: We all know September and the school year herald the end of summer as we know it. So enjoy this last pre-fall comment of the week:

“Milford and the local athletic conference play by modified rules of football, where ‘getting your nose’ of your opponent is worth extra points. This is because sports is more valued than education, so a good percentage of players don’t have object permanence.” –Philip

These runners up? Also summery fun!

“I have three big questions: 1) Why does she speak in yellow bubbles? 2) Why did she stop by the dorm just to do her lipstick in a floor length mirror and then leave again? 3) Who taught Greg Evans the phrase ‘don’t yuck my yum’ and how do we bring them to justice?” –the autumn and the scarlet, on BlueSky

“I guess this is supposed to be a romantic setting — but the ominous canopy of pure-black trees in the daylight suggests we’re getting to the part of the movie where a pair of hormonal teens will be axe-murdered by inbred monster-folk as soon as they start getting frisky.” –BigTed

“Hi is 39 and Lois must be around the same age. She was a teenager around the turn of the millennium, so she should not know anything about handwritten letters. She should encourage her son to call the girl, text using a ton of abbreviations to stay within characters limit, or go to AOL messaging.” –Ettorre

“Do you think the artist for Beetle Bailey understands that Sarge wears a tie, and not a pair of disconnected triangles, the upper one attached to his neck, the other hovering ominously below? Or has it been reduced to mere symbolism, a icon of an early forgotten age?” –Voshkod

“The Marvin team shows, yet again, that they have never cared for — or, possibly, met — a toddler. There’s no joke in this comment, out of respect for the Marvin team, which clearly subscribes to some sort of devoutly anti-humor and anti-natalist cult or sect.” –a.

“You’re in Dustin, Dustin. Nobody knows any good jokes.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“Don’t do it, Dustin! It’s a trick, intended solely to humiliate you!” –The Breathtaking Bonehead Brothers

“Lois is momentarily caught off guard by the realization that this couple is so in sync that they’re finishing each other’s sentences. She had forgotten that married life was not miserable for everyone, at least not at first. She shook herself and steeled her jaw. One more sale; that was all she needed. One more commission, and she could afford to start over, alone, someplace far away…” –Guts Dozier

“How about ‘neuters,’ which is what the woman is going to do to you when she gets that poem.” –TheDiva

“Cody is still sitting in his car because he’s also had a heart attack … and he’s dead. Jonah’s last words as he seeks his help: ‘You good for nothing little…’ Cut to Rex doing an autopsy on the two boys which, all things considered, is not a bad way to wrap up this story arc. ‘It’s never too late to connect with loved ones, or not.’ He smirks.” –Hibbleton

“Alice, that is not a purse. That is a teabag. Which makes me wonder if her real problem is that she boiled her purse and drank it. We can only imagine what potent cocktail of psychedelics and narcotics were in there.” –Schroduck

“I would be a daily reader of a version of Rex Morgan, M.D. in which every week is spent on a rando yelling at a regular cast member about how much they hate them before being mercifully taken out by some medical condition, free from ever having to interact with them again. I mean, I’m already a daily reader of Rex Morgan, M.D., but at least then my behavior would make sense to me.” –Drew Funk

“Nah, no worries, Andy Bear just noticed his kangaroo wife has swapped out the Zest for Coast, and he is confused. And yet, PUMPED.” –A Grave Mind

“Cuzzin could always date Dee Snider, lead singer of Twistedfer Sistofer.” –astroboy

“True story: When I woke up this morning the word ‘Mistofer’ was bouncing around my head, and I couldn’t remember where it was from — Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, maybe? — and then I came to this website and had a horrible self-discovery.” –matt w

“Grandma Nutmeg knows a thing or two: that before robots, men spoke of golems and homunculii, almost-humans conceived and born deep in the uncanny valley. She knows that the origins of the word robot itself are from Old Church Slavonic — the one and true Christian liturgical language — and its term for servitude, and that every servant from the angels downward has the potential for rebellion. She knows that the cybernetic man, like all men, has a penchant for sticking his d*ck where it does not belong and should feel the hot sting of shame no less than any man.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Mr. Wilson’s retort to his wife is a cranky, mean-spirited remark so devoid of any wordplay or even the barest attempt at humor that it actually receives a rare negative score on what comic scientists refer to as the Crankshaft Quotient.” –Chance

“What the fuck is Jeff eating? Are those leaves? It would explain why Marvin and the cushion appear to be covered in flies, but that’s pretty much as expected.” –Rosstifer

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Dennis the Menace, 8/29/25

We take the eternal struggle between Dennis and Mr. Wilson so much for granted that it rarely occurs to us to ask what Dennis gets out of their interactions. But clearly he must enjoy it at some level; perhaps he even likes and respects Mr. Wilson, and views his neighbor as a role model. In fact, today’s strip reveals that Dennis gets one of his worst traits, his tendency to shit-talk the cooking skills of the person who does all the cooking for him, from the cantankerous old man. Who’s the real menace here, hmm?

Marvin, 8/29/25

The most obvious and tragic feature of the Miller household is, of course, the complete lack of affection among the family members. That’s why it’s so surprising to discover that Marvin and Jeff have actually been bonding. Jeff is happy about it, but check out Marvin’s face: he doesn’t like his father at all, it’s just a plot to annoy his mother, and he’ll be happy to switch his feigned affection from one parent to the other if it will keep the family misery simmering.

B.C., 8/29/25

Since I’m apparently talking about character names in B.C. this week, I will report for those unaware that the three main male characters in the strip are named “B.C.,” “Peter,” and “Thor,” and they are utterly indistinguishable from one another other than via their hair color (red, blond, and brown, respectively). I can never remember which is which, so I always have to consult the character list in the Wikipedia B.C. article when I need to distinguish among them; said list includes some other information about their personality traits (B.C. is a “naïve slob and eternal patsy,” Peter a “self-styled genius and the world’s first philosophical failure,” etc.) that, if they were ever apparent in the strip, have not been for decades, in my opinion. Anyway, I had to go consult the list again this week in order to bring you the news that Thor died. He fucking died. He fell in a water hazard while playing golf and he drowned, and now he’s dead.