“This obviously isn’t going to work, since the major bone of contention is who gets the ‘masterpiece.’ Fortunately, this is Max’s turn to shine as, in a Solomonic turn, he takes that sword from the box and simply hacks the thing in half.” –cheech wizard
“‘Police? There’s a car parked on the street here.’ ‘In your suburban neighborhood? We’ll be right there.’ ‘I think there’s a dead guy in it.’ ‘So, no rush then. By the way, how do you know he’s dead?’ ‘I’ve seen a lot of still life paintings at the art museum.’” –But What Do I Know?
“What I take from today’s Slylock Fox is that investing in an original panel from Bob Weber Jr.’s Moose and Molly will set my descents up for generations, as this fine art becomes recognized as a masterpiece. It’s just a shame they didn’t include an address or QR where I could order me one!” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
“I’m assuming the man in the last panel is all of us, just waiting to see the dead body. Should I be putting on a three-piece suit to read Dick Tracy? Suddenly it feels like I have to.” –pugfuggly
“They’ve found the one thing that brings them both mutual joy: getting absolutely blasted and fucking with an insurance agent. Good for them.” –Remy
“But enough about disconnection syndrome. Let’s talk about macrocephaly, which seems to be a slightly more pressing concern for you.” –Voshkod
“Take a good look at Snuffy Smith. Imagine smelling him. What do you think ‘embarrassment’ could mean to such a person?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
“So, ‘Whom do I have to kill to get a day off around here’ is narrowed down to just the boss.” –Peanut Gallery
“Look, Phantom Daughter … I know you’re really trying hard to get your brother laid … which is a sentence I never thought I’d type and never want to again, but what you’re describing is a psychotic break or severe depression with suicidal thoughts or possibly generic comic strip mental disorder that ends with Kadia putting on a weird costume, doing themed robberies, and periodically trying to kill your family. Maybe just make a profile for the guy on a dating site.” –Old Man Shadow
“My Thai may have a delightful array of splatter worthy liquids as a major selling point, but one of these days, they’re going lose out to Pho Saigon where condiments include fish sauce and table chilies and you can just stick your SuperSoaker’s intake into your bowl and have at the entire dining room.” –richardf8
“The creative team went with Wimbledon because they couldn’t think of any major tennis tournaments in the U.S. But they’re Open to suggestions.” –Dr. Larry Erhardt
“Ordinarily you wouldn’t plant a tree just three feet away from your house but Crankshaft knows he’ll be dead soon, long before it becomes somebody else’s problem.” –Rex Thrillho, on BlueSky
“Lady, I know the Westons have all the warmth and appeal of slugs, but that doesn’t mean you can kill Dawn by spilling sodium on her. Wilbur may have survived multiple cruise ship disasters, but Dawn survived one herself. Their DNA is unfortunately made of stronger stuff.” –Lauralot
“I kind of admire Belle’s hustle. Sure, she wants to kill her, but why stop there? Let’s inconvenience her in a million small ways first!” –Jobrill
“Billy, when the expression on Jeffy’s face says ‘What a dumbass,’ ya dun goofed.” –matt w
“Sarge tries to protect his historical legacy by making sure his name doesn’t come up during questioning of the most incompetent POWs in history.” –Hibbleton
“Hi reads golf magazines to fall asleep because he finds golf just as boring as the rest of us do.” –Lawyerbob
“Ah, I’ve finally figured out what’s going on. Gil’s dead and what we’re seeing is a slide show being presented by Marty Moon, who’s delivering his eulogy. Coach Gerads has been warned against heckling.” –Cleveland Mocks
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