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Panel from The Lockhorns, 8/4/19

Since Leroy and Loretta have apparently been condemned to some hell-dimension where they’ll torture each other for all eternity, it’s not surprising that the sick burns they’ll lay on each other will eventually start getting increasingly baroque, and I’m here for it. Hyperinflation-based insults? Sure! “That’s the the b.-pengő note of suits,” Loretta says, looking Leroy up and down with contempt.

Mary Worth, 8/4/19

Wait, hold up! What form of water will Dawn be showing her skills off in next? A river? A lake? One of those infinity pool things? An underground sewer? Hugo hasn’t seen noting yet — but he’s never going to find out what’s in store for him if he keeps wasting time with all these makeouts!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/4/19

The title character, seeking medical care for his aging and decaying body, lets loose a sci-fi pop culture quip with no apparent context (is the chair he’s sitting in … supposed to be like Captain Kirk’s chair? is this cramped, crowded office supposed to be like the Enterprise’s bridge?) while ostensibly smiling but in a really angry-looking, aggressive way, basically daring anyone to question him; his interlocutor, stands staring dumbly at him looking crushed by the overall weight of life and his disappointment in it. I believe we’ve finally created the perfect Funky Winkerbean.

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/3/19

Actually, Mopey Pete, I gotta disagree with you. My guess is that “The Beanstalk” is a play of of the “beans” that people grind to make coffee, which appears to be the main thing they sell there. And if you just read the phrase “spend a lot of Jack” and thought, “Hmm, I as a native English speaker have never heard ‘jack’ used as a slang term for money — is this a usage I should be familiar with?”: results seem mixed! It appears to maybe be an archaic Britishism, and Urban Dictionary insists that “making jack” means making a profit, though I would definitely interpret it as meaning “making jack shit,” i.e., making nothing. Meanwhile, the phrase “a whole lot of jack” mainly points to a Facebook page featuring cute signs about drunkenness. My point is that I think this is yet another Funky usage that has no relationship to actual English, along the lines of “solo car date” and “vendos” and “Lewis and Clarking” and “Nordic, with the added twist of this fake phony-baloney wordplay being the sum total of the “punchline.”

Mark Trail, 8/3/19

Leola may be uncomfortable when people grapple with their feelings in an enclosed space, but Doc isn’t afraid to “dig deep” and help JJ really understand the emotional rollercoaster he’s been on. “I don’t hold it against you that you threatened us at gunpoint!” Doc says. “It could’ve happened to anyone! If things had been just a little different, I definitely would’ve killed each and every one of you, with my bare hands, just so I could possess the precious, precious gold I thought we would find here.”

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The Internet Read Aloud is BACK tonight in LA, everybody, and it’s better than ever!

Pledge your allegiance by clicking on the Facebook event!

And also? Enjoy your comment of the week!

“In tomorrow’s Six Chix, a witch flying on a plunger tells her compatriot ‘watch out for a pissed-off plumber with a scythe!’ The next day, a plumber tries to clear a clog with a long pole, and tells his assistant ‘keep an eye out for a decathlete with scythe!’ Thursday, a pole vaulter tries to clear the bar with pitchfork and tells the ref ‘somewhere there’s a farmer with a scythe!’ Friday, a farmer calmly cuts wheat with a scythe.” –Voshkod

Your runners up are also very funny!

“I cannot wait to go swimming! Immersing my fleshform in dihydrogen monoxide is a pastime of which I, like all genuine Earthlings, am inordinately fond!” –Thomas Keith, on Facebook

“What makes this a ‘joke,’ and not just an advertisement for child violence, is that Dennis has a name for his beatings. I don’t get it either, but I like the way he assumes his mother is hip to his lingo: ‘Did you finish him off with a customer satisfaction survey to the ass, dear?’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“The physician reporting Beetle’s death is Dr. Bonkus, the Camp Swampy physician. Beetle finds that Sarge has already reached heaven ahead of him. Clearly, these facts mean that both Beetle and Sarge have perished in some military-related incident. And it’s happening soon, given that they are both about their present age. Did they die in combat? Is the nation in fact going to war soon? WHAT DO THE WALKER-BROWNE STUDIOS KNOW THAT WE DON’T, DAMMIT???” –seismic-2

“I’m literally begging the Walker factory to draw a slope in the blanket for Beetle’s thighs so we don’t wind up with strips like today’s, where dreams about his own death give Beetle not one, but somehow two raging erections.” –Dan

“Sure, golf makes Hi horny, but Lois seems to be spending her day boiling a pot of piss, which makes his fetish look positively vanilla.” –pugfuggly

“Which reminds me: I got fired for playing golf during office hours.” –TheDiva

“These are my kind of con artists. So polite, so pleasant, so mutually supportive. I hope they get away with everything.” –Joe Blevins

“So basically Vitamin had to buy the theater to land the lead part in a summer stock production of a high school standard. Wouldn’t a converted barn outside of town been a lot cheaper?” –Guillermo el Chiclero

“A dream is like a movie that you get to watch for free! And a nightmare is like a trip to hell that you can only escape by dying! I wonder what we’ll see thanks to all these sleeping pills we took from my parents’ nightstand!” –jroggs

“A dream is like a movie that you get to watch for free! And there’s nothing wrong with dreams, right? So there’s nothing wrong with free movies either, right? Or just to cover some expenses, selling them for a price that’s practically free? Anyway, I’ve hidden a camera inside this teddy bear, and I need you to hold it on your lap after we sneak you into the theatre.” –pachoo

“What are the odds that Mark intentionally set up this cave to confuse Doc and make him more agreeable to being moved to a nursing home?” –JJ48

“I’m pretty monolingual, but I’d guess that idioms consisting entirely of common prepositions and pronouns like ‘up for it‘ are probably the hardest to learn. There’s a decent chance that Hugo meant to ask Dawn ‘Are you high?’” –matt w

“I am ze Franshe you know? I am how you say pepper my language with ze franshe words. My hamac a banane eez out at ze cleanairs, so I am wearink dees American how you say ‘short of boxing.’” –Anonymous

“Not that ‘I’m sorry I pulled the gun … I got carried away!‘ is much of an apology for nearly murdering your new acquaintances, but it’s still better than ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’” –BigTed

“I guess what makes it funny is that Jane Fonda and Steve Jobs here are not the biggest grifters in today’s strip.” –Zla’od

“I cannot get over the absolute state of Dawn’s hair. This was either an attempt to draw a stylish messy bob that failed dramatically, or a skilled demonstration of drawing split ends to show us that Dawn cuts her own hair with kitchen scissors.” –Rosstifer

“The fish would say nothing to these two. But it will have a full report for Mary by the end of the evening.” –Gabacho

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