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Dennis the Menace, 7/13/19

Usually the whole deal with this strip is that Dennis blabs something unpleasant that one of his parents said directly to the person who his parents blabbed unpleasantly about behind their back, and they always look real embarrassed about it but they never stop talking shit about other people in front of their big-mouth kid, now do they? The shy little smile on Henry here today shows that he’s finally admitting to himself that he secretly loves it when Dennis says the things that he dares not, and now he’s instigating these episodes deliberately, starting with Mr. Wilson, who seems safe because if he were going to attack Dennis or Henry physically, wouldn’t he have done it years ago at this point?

Funky Winkerbean, 7/13/19

“So he was only an accessory to murder, which is barely being a criminal at all!”

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The comment of the week: You want it, we’ve got it:

“Presumptuous of her to tell JJ he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He had to spend a bunch of time with the inhumanly dull Mark Trail, who left him for dead in a flood. There is nothing JJ wants more than to pull that trigger.” –Conynaut

The runners up: Also hilarious!

“‘William Bellows Inkpot‘ may be the sorriest attempt at a funny name I’ve ever seen in the newspaper comic strip Funky Winkerbean.” –Rosstifer

“Well, judging from Dagwood’s ‘eat anything that can’t outrun me’ diet, his teeth are either made of an indestructible titanium alloy or they’re a graveyard of rotting stumps.” –Pozzo

“Say what you want about Mary Worth, but ‘Dawn shops at H&M‘ is as solidly believable a piece of characterization as any I’ve seen on the comics page.” –Dan

“Alternate caption: ‘You know you’re a senior plugger when you find out that the crossword puzzle you’ve been struggling with for three days is actually a Sudoku.’” –Guy Lumbago

“I was trying to figure out which military occupational specialty ‘envelope licker‘ falls under. Signal Corps seemed most obvious, maybe 25U Signal Support Systems Specialist. But if the envelopes are intended for the public, probably 46Q Public Affairs Specialist. But then I realized the horror of it all, Pvt. Zero’s disgusting saliva slathered over envelopes intended for enemy combatants, and it was clear – 74D Chemical, Biological, Radiological and Nuclear (CBRN) Specialist. Godspeed, Pvt. Zero and your horrific mouth flora. Godspeed.” –Voshkod

“There are days when this strip veers dangerously close to looking like the junior version of The Lockhorns, and you know what? I love it.” –pugfuggly

“‘Theft with a gun and insulting the Small Business Administration … those are crimes against God and man, JJ! Perhaps you’re not aware of that, living in the desert as you do.’ ‘How is insulting the SBA a crime?” ‘Obviously you’ve never read Leviticus. It’s my favorite.’ ‘How about leaving me to die after the flood?!’ ‘Leviticus.’” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Ah, Google Translate, the language of love!” –TheDiva

“Calling Butter Brinkel simply by less than his full name is a little off brand.” –Foodar

“And, hey, ladies, I have a possible title for your documentary: A Brinkel in Crime. You can use that! Just give me credit. Anyway, here’s another anecdote about me and Dashiell Hammett…” –Joe Blevins

“Somebody’s looking to make a fortune on a series of stories about a dystopian future — but somehow I think The Cow Sayer (Parts 1, 2 and 3) is no Hunger Games.” –BigTed

“Let’s all spare a thought for the Disney/Marvel marketing manager who had to sell her bosses on the idea of spending money on a product placement in Hi and Lois and then had to turn around and explain to the interns what a newspaper comic is.” –Francisco Arrowroot

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Hi and Lois, 7/12/19

Cheer up, Chip! You may not be part of the lucrative stable of intellectual property held by the Walt Disney Company, but Hearst Communications, the parent of King Features, is no slouch! In a tough media landscape, Hearst remains profitable and in fact its revenue grew in 2018. Of course, a closer look a the numbers reveals that nearly 40 percent of 2019’s profits will come from “business and medical data and software operations,” which might mean that the whole comics division is going to be spun off and sold to a private equity fund so Hearst can focus on its core competencies. That’s when you really need to start worrying, buddy! In the meantime, enjoy being subsidized by the aviation-safety data company that’s under the same corporate umbrella as you for whatever reason!

Dick Tracy, 7/12/19

Ha, nice try, Dick, but you don’t get to be a billionaire war profiteer without knowing a thing or two about how to deal with nosy cops, and one thing you know is that you definitely don’t answer casual questions about how it sure looks like you killed your wife without, like, a team of lawyers present.

Six Chix, 7/12/19

I’m not going to lie, y’all: I’m kind of in awe of the extremely bleak turn this joke takes very, very quickly.