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Too bad the animals ate all the humans who knew how to design radar guns, huh

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Hi and Lois, 7/1/19

Oh, man, take that, corporate fast food chains. Real America, as represented by the Flagstons, our most iconic artistic depiction of the suburban middle class, is sick of your bullshit. Burger King? More like Burger PEASANT. McDonald’s? More like McGARBAGE. Don’t even get them started on “fast casual quick service restaurants” or whatever people are expected call Chipotle and the various “Chipotle but for non-burrito foods” places. From now on, the only good kind of fast food is hot dogs sold at shockingly low prices served out of wooden carts that are grandfathered out of health department oversight. They will not come with any packaging, or any napkins.

Mary Worth, 7/1/19

FINALLY, our long national Estelle-Arther-Wilbur nightmare is over and we’re moving on to a … Dawn plot? Um. I’m not quite sure this is what we’ve been begging for, but since she makes it clear she’s not taking classes this summer, that means she’s got lots of free time that could in theory lead to wacky hijinks. Today we get a glimpse into how Dawn has matured over the years: despite the high-end education she’s getting at UC Santa Royale, which includes very personalized attention from the faculty, she’s polite enough to just smell Mary’s roses and not condescendingly explain what a metaphor is.

Slylock Fox, 7/1/19

Slylock is doing some basic math to prove that Wanda’s average speed since leaving the diner is higher than the posted speed at one specific point along her route, which, if you think about it, doesn’t add up to anything that would hold water in court, at all, but I think it’s even more important to point out that Wanda is an actual witch with the power of flight and maybe the car just flew most of the way there, you know? Speed limits only apply to the ground! What are you, in charge of sky law now, Slylock? You’re not, you hear me? You’re not in charge of sky law!

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I will be blogging on July 4th, where’s my trophy

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Dennis the Menace, 6/30/19

There’s a lot going on here — Martha is power-walking wearing a sweatshirt over a buttoned shirt when it’s apparently warm enough outside for Alice to be in short sleeves? Alice, who’s never hung out with the Wilsons socially and one imagines has no plans to any time soon, perhaps means “I’m just too busy” as a polite blowoff and is not, in fact, too busy? Dennis is apparently making a ping pong ball levitate in mid-air over the palms of his hands and nobody seems to notice? — but for my money the best part is that Mr. Wilson has ordered a pizza at a time of day when nobody else appears to be eating a meal. Martha went off on one her damn walks again and he got hungry and you don’t expect him to cook, do you?

Pluggers, 6/30/19

“Participation trophies” are one of those things old people love to trot out as evidence of how the kids today are soft and the reason, along with avocado toast, why they’re falling behind economically (and not because, say, housing, education, and healthcare costs are rising faster than wages). Today’s Pluggers has a particularly incoherent take on the concept, though. Aren’t people who take vacation days … not showing up at a job? In fact, if you get paid vacation, aren’t you specifically getting a trophy (which is to say, a paycheck) for not participating? I guess the point is supposed to be that people who actually take the vacation days they’re eligible for — which, to be clear, are part of the compensation your employer offers you in exchange for your labor — are just doing the bare minimum, just “showing up” at the job and nothing else? But the virtuous plugger is getting paid overtime! If he really didn’t want a “participation trophy,” he should be agreeing to work extra hours at no charge! That’s what being a good employee is, right? God, I want to be angry at the labor politics of this strip but they’re so confusing I can’t figure out exactly what they are! DAMN YOU PLUGGERS

Gasoline Alley, 6/30/19

This is a perfectly nice strip depicting the Gasoline Alley cast in Revolutionary War-era costume that has its vibe completely upended by the [extremely spooky voice] ~dark eagle~ in the lower left panel. Who or what is this terrifying bird? What does he portend? Is America doomed? America’s doomed, right?

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Soapy Saturday

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/29/19

Oh, by the way, I was right: it was chemtrails! And I can see the gears already starting to grind in Rex’s head about the Local Chemtrail Treatment Specialist. I certainly hope there’s a meeting of the minds, but I can’t decide if I’d rather see Rex portentously lecture this quack on medical ethics or become intrigued by the high profit margins and short working hours involved in offering treatments for ailments that don’t actually exist.

Mary Worth, 6/29/19

Well, the night is winding down and Mary and Dr. Jeff can agree that while it’s great for other people like Estelle and Wilbur to try new things (not projecting her fantasies onto a disembodied phone voice and not spending the evenings weeping in the shower, respectively), they’re going to stay in their comfortable rut of underspiced seafood, a semi-vigorous walk down the Santa Royale boardwalk, and some desultory thrice-monthly lovemaking. Can we start on another plot next week? Please?

Judge Parker, 6/29/19

Oh, Roy, I think you very much overestimate how much attention Alan pays to the identities of his social equals’ servants. Alan has never given a moment’s thought to “that homely gal Sam hired to help Abbey around the house” and he never will!