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Mary Worth, 3/2/19

Oh god, I just had a thought: is this string of terrible dates going to end with Estelle in the arms of … Wilbur? Think about it: he’s relative youthful, he’s not an alpha, after the whole Fabiana/Iris thing I’m sure he’s terrified of non-monogamy, he’s gainfully employed, and if there’s one thing we can be sure of, it’s that he’s never going to complain about food being “underseasoned.”

Judge Parker, 3/2/19

“That person is my therapist, and I’m going to pay her back by referring you to her, because you’ve got issues that are gonna keep her in business for years. Don’t worry, you’re on Sam and Abbey’s insurance — I’m not sure if you realized it, but when you signed your employment paperwork, they legally adopted you. It’s a tax thing.”

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Guys! Tonight, in LA, you have the amazing opportunity to come to The Internet Read Aloud, my beloved comedy show!

Why deny yourself a moment of joy in this depressing world! Here is the Facebook event!

And here is your comment of the week!

“I choose to believe the hobo isn’t licking the plate, but talking to it. ‘The steak was good, plate! Thank you for steak!’” –Cotton Candy Beard

Your runners up are also very funny!

“Marie is dead inside, which means she’s ready to go back to work for the Parker-Spencer-Drivers as God and nature intended.” –TheDiva

African-American caricature to Native American caricature: ‘Racist you to the bottom!’” –Jenna

“In fairness, getting a famous person’s autograph minutes before doing them in is a sure way to drive up its value.” –Hergen

“Is it me or does Reeky look like he’s doing pretty well at the moment? He’s wearing a nice jumper and pink fuzzy slippers, his home looks clean, maybe even renovated, and he’s dealing with this situation calmly and reasonably because he’s done nothing wrong. Did he get a new job? Girlfriend? Inheritance? Why am I more interested in this than a one-eyed man plotting to commit flamethrower murder?” –Rosstifer

“As an experienced mercenary, is it really in your best interest to be standing face to face with the fairly unstable first time user of the loaded flamethrower you just lent him?” –OzMan

What a twist! Well, I guess it’s not really that surprising, since ‘Gil Thorp Assistant’ and ‘Gil Thorp Criticizer’ seem to be two viable career choices in a town that has very few.” –pugfuggly

He wants my job?! Not even I want my job!” –Ettorre

“Ah, you must be Estelle. I know what you’re thinking. But I won this cane from the King of Mercia after defeating his champion in single combat, and I keep the tie tucked in because I don’t want it to get caught in the prop of my seaplane. As for the hunch, well, I’m descended from a long line of hunchbacks, and I’m proud of it. So, we gettin’ it on or what? You’re not getting any younger.” –Voshkod

“Who needs necking when you have Earless Nightmare Child: The Animated Movie to entertain you?” –Joe Blevins

“True story: when my wife was single, one of her experiences with online dating was a guy who went into great detail about the adult circumcision that he had undergone. My point is, Estelle hasn’t even scratched the service of where these experiences are likely to take her next.” –GDBenz

“Like Chicago and New York, Santa Royale has its own unique pizza style, except Santa-Royale-style means you just pour a can of chunky tomato soup into a store-bought pie crust.” –Schroduck

“I’ll have a nice breakfast of nourishing proteins and fats, please! No good? Okay, then I’ll get a heaping bowl of pure carbs. Man, I can’t wait until the keto commenters get ahold of this comic.” –BigTed

Licking the plate? No way. He would have wiped it off with his hat ‘for later’” –word-doctor

“The service industry can be so stressful! Ordering products in bulk and having them delivered to people’s rooms! It’s enough to make you want to kill! At least that would be something interesting.” –cheech wizard

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

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Six Chix, 3/1/19

Wow, these narrow-minded scientists are blinded by their sexist assumptions and won’t ever see Bigfoot … because it doesn’t even occur to them that she might be a woman! Also probably they’re looking for some hairy ape-like creature who’s about seven or eight feet tall, not a human-like creature who’s 60 feet tall and also wearing shoes. In related news, remember this Six Chix, about a lady who fucked a Bigfoot? Is there some kind of rule that to be one of the Six Chix, you have to eventually do a Bigfoot fetish comic, sort of the way you have to be beaten into a gang?

Mark Trail, 3/1/19

I’m not sure which possible scenario here is sadder: that Mark Trail, its publisher King Features, and its parent corporation Hearst Communications are too terrified of irritating intellectual property holders to print the words “Lego” or “[insert whatever TV show you think they’re talking about here, I did some half-assed Googling for ‘red black car TV’ and didn’t find the results illuminating]”; or that Mark and his friends live in a world without the #brands that we know and love, moving through a sea of undifferentiated products that lack any of the value added by the branding process.

Mary Worth, 3/1/19

Estelle’s date #4 is a literal hobo! You gotta admit, of all the ways to scam a free meal out of someone, this isn’t the absolute worst. At least he looks like he’s under 60!

Gil Thorp, 3/1/19

Say what you will about Marty Moon, but he has a certain cunning, and as a lifelong inhabitant/prisoner of the dump that is Milford, he knows exactly what pisses off everyone else who lives there: being reminded that their town is a dump. Guess B/Robby is going to be stuck in the dump forever as well, as punishment!