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Crankshaft, 2/5/19

The sad thing is that this doctor probably spent a lot of time thinking up this zinger, but never said it out loud to anyone to make sure it actually made sense outside his head. “Get it, because you’re … going to make the person you’re calling pay … when you die? Or wait, maybe you’re the one getting the call in this scenario. Look, just eat less cheese, OK? Cut … cut back on the cheese, is what I’m saying.”

Six Chix, 2/5/19

There’s definitely an angle at which a wine bottle is held to the lips where it goes from “a jaunty swig” to “guzzling as part of some terrible emotional crisis,” and we seem well past it in this strip, to the extent that I’m very worried that that huge knife is so close at hand.

Gil Thorp, 2/5/19

God, Gil is so thrilled in panel three, it’s unseemly. “I knew it!” he thinks. “I knew this little twerp was suicidal! See, I can so connect with these losers emotionally. In your face, haters!”

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Dick Tracy, 2/4/19

Sam Catchem is canonically Jewish, but I guess he’s finally decided to address the “elephant in the room,” which is that he dresses like a leprechaun for inscrutable reasons; I assume he called out “Top of the morning!” in his most over-the-top Lucky-Charms-commercial-style Irish accent as he walked into the office. Dick is ignoring him, of course, being thoroughly engrossed in the police blotter, relaxing while reading about completely normal and not at all suspicious crimes like uniform larceny and [squints] something snowman related.

Beetle Bailey, 2/4/19

Hey, remember when Beetle invaded Sarge’s dream and it was uncanny and surreal? Well, I guess we know who’s more avant-garde when it comes to extremely low rent legacy newspaper comics Inceptioning.

Pajama Diaries, 2/4/19

Are you tired of all the gross Marvin comics about babies peeing? Here, enjoy this gross Pajama Diaries comic about adults not peeing.

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Blondie, 2/3/19

A thing that happens with sitcoms is that the characters often “heighten” over the years, becoming wackier and less moored to reality. A good example is Winston on New Girl, who began the show as one of the most grounded of the main characters and ended it as wildly, hilariously eccentric. Now keep in mind that even the most popular sitcoms rarely last more than seven or eight seasons, and compare that to legacy comic strips, which run for decades. Sometime in the 89-year history of Blondie, someone decided that Dagwood had a big appetite, and now … now look at this. Look at his Super Bowl dining plans. This is a suicide note, is what this is. Blondie is leaving because she doesn’t want to see her husband’s gruesome end; Mr. Dithers is there in a last ditch effort to save his employee by absorbing some of the damage.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 2/3/19

I don’t feel like turning this panel over, but maybe the tree-monster will have a hard time hiding because it has glowing, nightmarish red eyes??? And a huge, gaping maw, an inky black portal to who knows what terror-void? And probably it wheezes, or moans, or makes other noises one might expect from an abomination against nature? Burn it, I say. Burn it to ashes as soon as you can!