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Mary Worth, 9/21/19

Longtime friend of the blog and Heathcliff obsessive Brandi Brown has a theory that 9/11 never happened in the Mary Worth universe, and after this strip, I’m finally convinced. In a world where commercial airlines were never weaponized, lax airport security allows even gross foreigners like Hugo to just pop off for an hour or two for a quick makeout session while storms over the midwest delay the daily Santa Royale International-Charles de Gaulle nonstop flight. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Josh, what about the special Mary Worth strip commemorating the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks?” Well, while the Apartment 3-G that ran that day makes a fairly explicit reference to the attacks and the Twin Towers, the Mary Worth strip just features Mary leaving a message for some lady about her son who died ten years before, which, he could’ve died in any number of ways! Didn’t have to be in a terrorist attack. The fact that this lady saw that Mary was calling and let it go straight to voicemail makes sense in any version of the timestream, of course.

Family Circus, 9/21/19

Ha ha, kids sure do say the darnedest things, especially after you’ve sought shelter from a natural disaster but just left them upstairs to stare out of a completely unshuttered and unprotected window!

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This week’s top comment is here for your enjoyment!

“I don’t like to think of dogs as little humans but that‘s exactly my dog’s response when I return after being out for a couple of hours.” –Northernlurker

The runners up are also quite funny!

“This strip would be infinitely better if the sign-off panel also showed Hugo sipping a margarita on the plane, fresh into negging a frumpy English university student. When she asks why he’s not drinking wine he lectures her on how it’s not REALLY wine if it’s not from Bordeaux.” –Anna Carlsson, on Twitter

“There are so very many things that Dawn should definitely regret.” –Rosstifer

“At least Dawn has learned some new skills from her relationship with Hugo. She’s picked up some French, and also learned to condescendingly translate French for American audiences, including her own subconscious.” –Constance Justice

“Meat, fish, wines from Normandy — if not Sicily. Hagar knows that he has to practice conspicuous consumption to awe his subordinates with his wealth.” –Ettorre

“I like the idea of someone throwing bouquets to the mourners while the pallbearers carry the deceased off to his final reward, as onlookers try to make the snap decision of whether they should reach out and grab the pretty flowers or dodge the harbingers of morality. But I love the idea that such bouquets come wrapped in skull-crunching clay pots filled with dirt.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“The bird-men of Shoe aren’t glum because one of them caught the harbinger of death. They’re glum because they know they will never die. This isn’t one of those other strips, where the writer will occasionally end a character’s suffering. They’re trapped forever in this heavy-lidded, trash-strewn existence, where the outdated Treetops Tattler is constantly on the verge of collapse, and with it the entire grill- and fern bar-based economy. Who was Old Man Perkins anyway? It didn’t matter, it was just an excuse to dream of a way out. Those flowers are damaged because they were fought over.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“The eight part miniseries on Netflix’s the thing/ Wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the Deputy Director for Operations.” –Voshkod

“So, April is a CIA operative who thinks Hollywood produces super-accurate biopics, huh?” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“How nice, Mommy gives Trixie a kiss on the forehead as she walks by! (Daddy just smiles while ignoring her completely.) Anyway, enjoy sitting by yourself on the empty floor all day!” –BigTed

“Obviously the classic Six Chix art is obscuring the joke, but… he’s wearing his mother strapped to his back, right? And she’s about two feet tall, easily 80 years old, and literally a bluestocking? And the punchline is that he plans to feed her — his own mother — cheap wine from a baby cup? I haven’t seen such Oedipal hijinks since Momma ended.” –Schroduck

“Loving the look of cold detachment on PJ’s face. ‘Ah, I understand: stop the beep, kill the man. Another piece of my plan falls into place.’” –pugfuggly

“A plugger’s pharmacist is someone who thinks ‘HIPAA’ is someone who attended the original ‘Waadstaack.’” –Where’s Rocky?

“Plus citizens of Kathmandu are known for scrupulous honesty. Most cities boasting populations over 985,000 would round that up to a million. Not us!” –FE

“Look at the terror in that poor bastard’s eyes! So mom’s lumbago is back? But she died three years ago!” –Mumblix_Grumph

“So now the poor kid has to stay in Vegas for the rest of its life. Sorry, but those are the rules!” –Peanut Gallery

“Yeah, there’s nothing like remembering the 60s by wearing an uncomfortable, impractical outfit for housework when you’re already clinging to gender norms from the same era by being the only one who cleans the house.” –Truckosaurus

“‘Women choose their sexual partners on the basis of quantified athletic performance‘ certainly sounds like something men assume is true, but it might be worth running that idea past an actual woman.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“Chance Macy is reading A User’s Guide to Sitting in Chairs. You can see he needs it.” –Joe Blevins

“Ma Chouchoute! I think I left it here, maybe in the bathroom.” –FritzHolz

“Honest to God. We were told that the talking chimp killed the actress out of jealousy in one panel, without ever having been told what there was to be jealous about, or WHY THE GODDAMN CHIMP COULD TALK, but it takes an entire week to read a letter.” –Rube

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Mary Worth, 9/20/19

Oh my god just when you thought Dawn had gotten over Hugo it turns out that Dawn didn’t have to get over Hugo because he couldn’t get enough of her hot Westontude and he’s flown back from Paris to be with her (or maybe just didn’t get on his plane and got an Uber back from Santa Royale International to Charterstone; the timeframe for Dawn’s moping over the course of this week’s strips hasn’t been exactly clear). It’s perfectly possible that this story will bring America’s lovelorn comics readers the message that if you’re just sad about something intensely enough, you can change the fabric of reality itself, but it’s also possible that this is just all in Dawn’s mind and tomorrow we’re going to smash cut to her cry-masturbating on the couch.

Blondie, 9/20/19

Now, you’re probably wondering: if Mr. Dithers didn’t want to hug his employees, why did he tweet about “Hug Your Boss Day” just this morning? Well, he’s quite aware that he inspires a toxic melange of fear and contempt in his employees; so, by inducing fear that they might have to demonstrate physical affection for him, but then relieving them of that burden, he’s actually left them feeling more motivated and positive at the end of the workday. Say what you will about the old robber baron, but he’s a wily management genius.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/20/19

The big development in this week’s Funky Winkerbean is that Linda is going to learn if Bull (who, if I’m remembering right, was very briefly on the practice roster of the then-St. Louis Cardinals but never actually played in a game) qualifies for the NFL supplemental disability plan. And now that the week is over, we’re finally going to find o–wait, what? It’s only Friday? Uh, shoot, OK, no problem, we can do this in two strips, absolutely, nobody’s going to notice.