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Dennis the Menace, 6/30/19

There’s a lot going on here — Martha is power-walking wearing a sweatshirt over a buttoned shirt when it’s apparently warm enough outside for Alice to be in short sleeves? Alice, who’s never hung out with the Wilsons socially and one imagines has no plans to any time soon, perhaps means “I’m just too busy” as a polite blowoff and is not, in fact, too busy? Dennis is apparently making a ping pong ball levitate in mid-air over the palms of his hands and nobody seems to notice? — but for my money the best part is that Mr. Wilson has ordered a pizza at a time of day when nobody else appears to be eating a meal. Martha went off on one her damn walks again and he got hungry and you don’t expect him to cook, do you?

Pluggers, 6/30/19

“Participation trophies” are one of those things old people love to trot out as evidence of how the kids today are soft and the reason, along with avocado toast, why they’re falling behind economically (and not because, say, housing, education, and healthcare costs are rising faster than wages). Today’s Pluggers has a particularly incoherent take on the concept, though. Aren’t people who take vacation days … not showing up at a job? In fact, if you get paid vacation, aren’t you specifically getting a trophy (which is to say, a paycheck) for not participating? I guess the point is supposed to be that people who actually take the vacation days they’re eligible for — which, to be clear, are part of the compensation your employer offers you in exchange for your labor — are just doing the bare minimum, just “showing up” at the job and nothing else? But the virtuous plugger is getting paid overtime! If he really didn’t want a “participation trophy,” he should be agreeing to work extra hours at no charge! That’s what being a good employee is, right? God, I want to be angry at the labor politics of this strip but they’re so confusing I can’t figure out exactly what they are! DAMN YOU PLUGGERS

Gasoline Alley, 6/30/19

This is a perfectly nice strip depicting the Gasoline Alley cast in Revolutionary War-era costume that has its vibe completely upended by the [extremely spooky voice] ~dark eagle~ in the lower left panel. Who or what is this terrifying bird? What does he portend? Is America doomed? America’s doomed, right?

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/29/19

Oh, by the way, I was right: it was chemtrails! And I can see the gears already starting to grind in Rex’s head about the Local Chemtrail Treatment Specialist. I certainly hope there’s a meeting of the minds, but I can’t decide if I’d rather see Rex portentously lecture this quack on medical ethics or become intrigued by the high profit margins and short working hours involved in offering treatments for ailments that don’t actually exist.

Mary Worth, 6/29/19

Well, the night is winding down and Mary and Dr. Jeff can agree that while it’s great for other people like Estelle and Wilbur to try new things (not projecting her fantasies onto a disembodied phone voice and not spending the evenings weeping in the shower, respectively), they’re going to stay in their comfortable rut of underspiced seafood, a semi-vigorous walk down the Santa Royale boardwalk, and some desultory thrice-monthly lovemaking. Can we start on another plot next week? Please?

Judge Parker, 6/29/19

Oh, Roy, I think you very much overestimate how much attention Alan pays to the identities of his social equals’ servants. Alan has never given a moment’s thought to “that homely gal Sam hired to help Abbey around the house” and he never will!

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Hello everyone! This is the time of month where I’d normally be like “come see my live comedy show next week!!!!” but I’m taking July off, to celebrate America. We will be back reading the internet aloud in August!

But you can still get some solid laffs on the internet itself, right here with this comment of the week:

“So you told your wife that we’re all being poisoned, and she insisted you see a doctor? I think she was using hyperbole. Has she ever said something like, ‘If you love Game of Thrones so much, why don’t you marry it?’ And then when you tried to marry Game of Thrones, your church refused to perform the ceremony? This is like that.” –A Concerned Reader

Plus these very funny runners up are here for your amusement!

“When you live next to a child who has been six-year old for more than sixty years, you would also be surprised that people born in the late 1980s are now adults.” –Ettore

“I’m not sure I agree 100% with your policework there, Slylock. I think it’s much more likely that Weirdly lied about how long that shark had been caged without food rather than built an incredibly convincing fake mechanical shark.” –Joe Blevins

“You can see under the doors that there are no toilets. My best guess is that this takes place in a department store fitting room. Anyway, Superman shouldn’t discourage Batman, the resulting guano could be very lucrative.” –nescio

“People in long-term relationships can find their time together becomes stagnant. Speaking of which, let’s gossip about a totally different couple’s lives for another eight hours.” –BigTed

“The real question is how Batman takes a dump without soiling his cape. My guess is a triple axel with a backward crossover in the opposite direction of the original rotation. Of course, when he takes a dump in Australia, this all has to be reversed.” –LXIX

“I love how the door handle is set at Snuffy’s level. Sure, this forces Loweezy to bend over, but a permanent stoop makes it that much easier for her to scrub the floors, feed the chickens, weed the garden, etc., while Snuffy naps.” –Pozzo

“Dying is easy; comedy is hard — as Funky Winkerbean proves day after day after day.” –TheDiva

“Those are some sad chickens. Maybe they understand that the sack was supposed to have food but didn’t, or being in comics, maybe they are supposed to smart enough to anticipate what happens to chickens they can’t afford to keep. But really, chickens don’t understand much of anything, so most likely they just have traumatic memories of the sack — that dark and torturous maw Snuffy throws them into whenever they manage to get out, which probably happens a lot since it’s the only way they can find sustenance. It really adds a lot of color to this light joke about how ‘chicken feed’ can be literal or figurative.” –pachoo

“‘Here’s a scene we should be watching!‘ says the dialogue box, convincing no-one, not even itself.” –pugfuggly

“Any experienced golf coach would know that you don’t bend down to place a ball on the driving range tee while a 7 year-old is standing next to it with a club in her/his hand ready to strike, and especially that you don’t turn around in said position and look away from the child even if Mr. Clean appears out of nowhere. But this is Gil, of course. He has let his guard down after realizing that the young girl is a natural and he will not be placed in the unfamiliar and terrifying position of needing to teach his charge athletic skills.” –But What Do I Know?

“Wasn’t Hadley v. Baxendale the Supreme Court case that upheld a lower court ruling that Gil Thorp was protected by the Constitution’s Unbelievable Stupidity and Archaic References Clause? Or was that Clambake v. Board of Athletics?” –Mikey

“Doctor Fedora ‘Banana Bread’ Flyface Junior is running his operation from a secret undersea empire, which is why Sally needs her scuba goggles to deliver the package. She’s also wearing swim fins. Luckily, comic strips are a silent medium so we can’t hear the telltale slapping as she walks in.” –Ukulele Ike

“Sure, that shaven-headed prisoner seems scary. But when you look more closely and see he’s frantically squeezing a stress ball, you realize he’s just another person overwhelmed by the situation and needs a hug.” –Where’s Rocky

“The only way to have this ‘millennial dating’ scenario make sense is to assume that it actually takes place in some kinky sex club, and ‘fix my computer‘ is a code expression for some S/M act that is so unspeakable that it has no actual name. Then the screwdriver makes perfect sense, as well as why this couple has apparently invited Dustin to watch it.” –seismic-2

“‘Ain’t no kind of armed person empowered to commit state-sanctioned acts of violence in HERE, Judge!’ –man about to get shot.” –Chyron HR

“I’m an expert on Fitch. Ezra Fitch, the co-founder of Ambercrombie and Fitch. Did you know he was a lawyer and some say he brought the game of Mahjong into the United States? He died, and this is interesting, on a brand-new yacht named Content. He met David Ambercrombie when he shopped at Ambercrombie’s store! So, do you want to go back to my place and hear more about Ezra Fitch?” –Voshkod

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