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Hey all! I was away from Comment Compiling duties for much of this past week, but I still got a few days’ worth of COTW for ya! Let’s start with this great top one:

“Just what every teenage girl enjoys, to have her pores displayed on a 65-inch screen in ultra-HD! This is exactly the kind of insecurity-boosting situation that’s turned underage makeup mogul Kylie Jenner into a billionaire.” –BigTed

Followed by these hilarious runners up!

“You better learn what it is, because we’re one of five nominees, and when we lose, I want you to feel appropriately dejected and hurt! …But please don’t turn your pain into another installment of the series.” –Hogenmogen

“‘Oh geez,’ thinks Tommy, as he notices that his ginger ale has turned red. All those years of skipped dental visits while zonked on vicodin have not done great things for his gums. (Today’s strip is sponsored by the American Periodontal Association. Remember to brush and floss daily so you don’t end up like Tommy!)” –GeoGreg

“I’m trying to decide if Gil means ‘Kevin Pelwecki will always be relevant’ or ‘Kevin Pelwecki will live forever in despair at his lack of relevance.’ Gil’s a huge asshole, so probably the latter. ‘What about Kevin Pelwecki?’ ‘What about him?’” –jroggs

“I love how the art and the text don’t seem to match up at all here. Clearly they’re supposed to be saying something like ‘Thanks for dinner!’ ‘Have a good night!’ but the writer is like ‘NO I STILL HAVE FACTS ABOUT OBSCURE COMICS AND MORE TERRIBLE INACCURATE WEATHER JOKES!’” –pugfuggly

“Some archeologists are just too damn obsessive — but not famed archeologist Howard Carter! Of course, the real story is that his Carnarvon funding ran dry a long time ago and he’s been coasting on his reputation ever since — otherwise why would the earl have had to rent the house to the Downton Abbey producers? — but his eager postdoc assistant Becky got herself a MacArthur grant. Follow the bitter academic rivalry as it unfolds, in the breathless reporting of Woods and Wildlife Magazine!” –fausto

“Ah, I see Becky found another of these hideous masks at the dig. Suddenly, I know what to call this culture. Please say hello to the Rusty Civilization.” –Voshkod

“One of the most recognizable landmarks in mid-Michigan is a Dixie Baptist Church billboard next to I-75 between Clarkston and Holly. It depicts Jesus with the legend, ‘Are you on the right road?’ I thought of that billboard as soon as I saw panel two of this comic, in which the sad-eyed auto mechanic faces the reader and asks that eternal question, ‘Will a midsized SUV get you where you’re going?’” –Joe Blevins

“Pluggers keep food long after its expiration date because they’re dogs. It doesn’t even get most of its flavor until after it’s spoiled and been scraped off the sidewalk.” –seismic-2

“It looks like somebody was trying to kill mom with poisoned juice but accidentally murdered their own children in a terrible ironic twist. #justpluggerthings” –Escape Zeppelin

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The Phantom, 7/13/18

Oh, hey, remember how the Phantom’s daughter Heloise is rooming with the daughter of her father’s archnemesis, the Nomad, at her fancy boarding school? Remember how the Phantom made his wife do a weird guessing game when he figured out the Nomad’s secret identity, rather than just coming right out and telling her who it was? Well, it looks like that’s the only way he likes telling the women in his family who the Nomad is, I guess! Anyway, I was given to understand that the Kids Today hate talking on the phone and only respond to texts, or possibly Instagram DMs, so I’m having a hard time buying Heloise just straight-up facetiming her dad in ladies room, though at least she got up and took the call in semi-private, rather than at the table where she’s, uh, having dinner with the Nomad, right now! I think this whole thing playing out as a text conversation at the table might’ve been more dramatically interesting, though probably somewhat harder to draw.

Pluggers, 7/13/18

I’m not sure if the point of this panel is “pluggers don’t throw away spoiled food because they’re poor” or “pluggers don’t throw away spoiled food because they have incipient dementia,” but either way you have to admit it’s pretty grim!

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Hey, everybody! I’m back from my voyages and ready to entertain you with my comics-mocking antics, once again! Let’s give a huge hand to Uncle Lumpy for his usual fill-in amazingness — Carl the Turtle is an instantly iconic character who I will treasure in my heart forever. And let’s also give a huge hand to the kind souls who contributed to the Summer 2018 fundraiser. I promise personal thank-yous this week, as well as solicitation of addresses for possible totebag-sending! You’re all the real heroes!

Meanwhile, let’s dive into the glory and pageantry of the comics page, with…

Funky Winkerbean, 7/12/18

…Funky Winkerbean heading out to Comic-Con! This is a groundbreaking adventure for our characters, who have never before attended this pinnacle of pop culture and comics fand– [aide whispers in ear] Oh, huh, just last year, you say? Well, confidential to the Funky Winkerbean creative team: you don’t have to set a storyline at Comic-Con every year to write the costs of passes and travel off on your taxes. It’s literally your industry’s main trade show! The word “comic” is right there in the name! Anywhere, here’s hoping that, having foregone a paid tour guide, Les takes a wrong turn in the exotic, dangerous city of “San Diego” and ends up murdered in one of its seedy back alleys, like in an Old Navy or something.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/18

Meanwhile, Uncle Lumpy rightfully refused to keep you updated on Rex Morgan, M.D., which over the course of my absence stayed relentlessly focused on its insanely dull “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in an RV” plot. The strip could’ve at least broken up the monotony by cutting away to one of its other thrilling and unresolved storylines, like [checks notes] ah. Hmm. Anyway, If you thought “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in an RV” was boring, wait till you get a load of “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in a midsized SUV.”

Mark Trail, 7/12/18

“She gets totally obsessive about artifacts — almost as if she’s a dedicated researcher well versed in the latest techniques in our field and doing her best to help everyone understand the material culture of ancient societies! Me, I’m just in it for a quick buck. I know some real rich creeps who’d pay good money for Vampire Mister Potato Head here, especially if I spin ’em some story about how the temple I found it in seemed cursed or whatever. These pith helmets don’t pay for themselves!”