Hagar the Horrible
Better Half, 6/9/13
Sundays are great because we get a quadruple dose of the Parkers, the adorable, relatable couple we know so well. What ordinary life problems are these two grappling with this weekend? Clockwise from top left:
- Harriet is so unhealthily obsessed with her weight that she literally fantasizes about losing parts of her body, just so that she can see that number on the scale get smaller.
- No matter what time of day or night it is, Stanley is just sitting around the house, hazily slipping in and out of consicousness.
- Meanwhile when Harriet falls asleep, she immediately falls into the grips of intense anxiety dreams.
- Stanley’s body is falling apart.
Hagar the Horrible, 6/9/13
As a bloodthirsty Viking chieftan, Hagar has sacked and burned countless villages across Europe, and rules his own warrior band by threat of brutal violence. It should really come as no surprise that somebody’s trying to assassinate him.
Here’s a sentence that’s probably never been written: I don’t understand Archie’s emotional arc here? Veronica’s dialogue in panel one is stereotypical “Ha ha the ladies like to gossip about their network of relationships with other ladies and we hate that amiright fellas” talk. But what are Archie’s sweatballs in panel one supposed to represent? Is he already nervous about being cruelly snubbed by Ronnie for daring to ask for some quiet study time? That would seem to undercut the vague surprise of the punchline, then. Is it sexual arousal, always a good bet with Archie? Is he saying that the reality of Veronica’s conversation is interfering with his ability to think sexy thoughts about her? Those word-balloon icicles are perhaps well deserved.
Hagar the Horrible, 3/7/13
So, mild historical accuracy: It’s true, that, in their colonization of Greenland in the 10th through 15th centuries, the Norse came in contact with the Inuit! Inuit names tend to be polysyllabic, though, and not, you know, incoherent grunts, but sure, let’s have Hagar talking to “Oog.” And let’s give Oog slits for eyes too! Why not!
Unironic praise: Nearly everything about this is perfect, from the fish-costume’s terrifying eyes and weird fin-feet that would be very difficult to stand up in, to Heathcliff just standing there with his hands behind his back, dreaming of ripping open the great fish and feasting on its hundreds of pounds of succulent flesh, to the bored dude with the hair in his eyes inside the costume, who isn’t being paid enough to deal with any of it.
The Lockhorns, 3/7/13
“But I’ve finally managed to poison mine! Now help me move his body to the car so we can go dump him in the river.”
It’s a shame the way soap strips dispose of incidental characters at the end of their runs. Let’s pay a last visit to a few of them before we lose them forever.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/23/13
Oh look, Honey seems to have perked right back up despite her recent gender-identification crisis and a life bereft of love or meaning. I guess that shower was just what she needed!
The Morgans seem stunned that the Beachside Beer Blast for Dolores (a.k.a. “Phoenix Reising”) raised $10,000. How does that work, anyway? We know the party wasn’t B.Y.O. because the girls stockpiled beer in Rex and June’s fridge. “Beach Trash” Brenda Woods (a.k.a. “B.W.”) chipped in $50 — a tad steep for the stripper ‘n’ surfer crowd, but let’s go with it. If $50 is the average, maybe 300 people at 67% gross margin after costs of Bud Lite, Tostitos, and Solo Cups at about $16.50 per head? Sounds plausible. Or maybe they just covered expenses before Neddy dropped in from Judge Parker and laid one of her “allowance” checks on them?
Hägar the Horrible, 2/23/13
Hey, Honey — grab that $10K and buy a ticket to London stat: we found you a Sugar Daddy! And even though the job description is “someone to read to Grampa”, I’ve got a feeling illiteracy isn’t a deal-breaker.
Judge Parker, M.D., 2/23/13
Oh, and that Neddy thing? Could totally happen: she’s on the move, back to Spencer Farms with her mysterious American doctor friend in tow. It’s a shame, though, that we won’t be checking in with the old gang in Paris — loyal manservant Groves, here, his employer Rachel the Cancer Aunt, Cedric the Wonder Butler, or maybe even Sociology Hooker? At least we’ll be spared mopey Jules and his Business Plan.
Mary Worth, 2/23/13
Aboard his Empty Plane to Oblivion, John Dill consoles himself with the Mary Worth Book of Fake Quotations. Seriously John, it’s surprisingly easy to lose something you never had: you might even consider such things “pre-lost”, if that helps you work things out. For example, you never had Mary, and lost her with no effort at all! But if by “hard” you mean “emotionally taxing”, well, let’s just let Dr. Jeff Corey weigh in on that one — he’s got no prospects of having Mary, or losing her either.
– Uncle Lumpy
Apartment 3-G, 2/8/13
I know I’m usually all about “What Apartment 3-G needs is MORE MARGO,” but I think maybe what with the last few months of this Margo Somehow Is James Bond’s Publicist storyline, maybe we need … less Margo? I have no idea what the current storylines for Tommie and Lu Ann are, for instance, if such things could be said to exist. Meanwhile, Tommie’s been so disengaged that she apparently hasn’t even met Greg, who is Margo’s biggest client, her across-the-hall neighbor, and (I cannot emphasize this enough) one of the most famous and visible movie stars on the planet. But I guess everyone’s going to have lots of time to get to know each other in the coming Margo In A Coma storyline.
Hagar the Horrible, 2/8/13
Now, we all have some fun around here with the fact that Hagar and his merry band are actually brutal, merciless barbarians who make a living off of plunder and murder. But that fact shouldn’t cause us to forget that early medieval Scandinavia was also a violent patriarchy, where women had to choose between subservience and death!
Apartment 3-G, 1/21/13
Sorry everybody, I know I’ve been falling down on the job a bit when it comes to reading Apartment 3-G so you don’t have to. So, after Margo got really blotto, Greg gently dumped her into bed. But wait! Remember Evan, all dressed up in his Druid robe? He left his giant package in Margo’s closet (note: not a euphemism)! And it was apparently a pink-smoke emitting incendiary bomb? Is … is Evan secretly a villain from the Adam West Batman TV show?
Funky Winkerbean, 1/21/13
In other keeping-you-updated news, despite my initial interpretation of last Tuesday’s strip, there’s nothing wrong with Darrin’s mother, except that she’s emotionally devastated after Darrin’s father suffered a stroke. How is it that you can know your whole life that someday you’ll be gutted by something terrible that will inevitably happen to you or someone you dearly love, and yet you still aren’t prepared for it? That’s just how you manage to live your life in an universe of cruel and unending trauma, I guess!
Hagar the Horrible, 1/21/13
Oh, that Hagar, what a jokester! Obviously he doesn’t “buy” houses; he just starts living in them, after his bloodthirsty band of Viking warriors murder the owners.
I’m pretty sure that if I churned out a series of paintings of sexy cats sitting on piles of filth, I could get a gallery show in one of Brooklyn’s hipper neighborhoods.
Slylock Fox, 1/21/13
The solution to this puzzle, if you don’t feel like turning your head/monitor upside down, is that we know Wanda is lying because thunder doesn’t cause lightning. You know what else doesn’t cause lightning? Witches.
Funky Winkerbean, 1/9/13
As threatened, Crazy Harry is about to do some kind of emotionally scarring sybaritic dance, probably while naked. He’s already basically making sweet love to that comics anthology, right in plain sight of everybody. John, powerless to stop his employee, is desperately trying to minimized the damage. “Can’t let the children see,” he thinks. “We’ll be shut down for sure if any of the children see.”
Hagar the Horrible, 1/9/13
All simple sheep-herding peasants who tend flocks on pastureland within a day’s march of the coast of the North Sea: prepare to have your livestock raided, your family killed, and your village burned to the ground.
Dennis the Menace, 1/9/13
“Plus she’s really, really skinny. Why does she talk about dieting all the time? Sometimes I worry that she has an eating disorder!”