Archive: Hagar the Horrible

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 7/12/20

Slylock isn’t panicking because he knows that, due to the square-cube law, you can’t simply make an animal bigger but keep its proportions and functions otherwise the same: its mass increases more quickly than its surface area, and the physics that allow its anatomy to work would simply fail in a much larger version of the creature. This poor monstrosity is no doubt dying in agony right now, its internal organs collapsing under their own weight! (If you’re wondering how Slylock being a human-sized fox fits in with all this, the answer is he’s actually normal fox sized and anything you see to the contrary is just Lord of the Rings-style forced perspective trickery.)

Dustin, 7/12/20

Dustin: come for the pointless intergenerational warfare, stay for an extremely unpleasant new euphemism for genitals!

Hagar the Horrible, 7/12/20

Another victory of the working class over the bosses who would divide them! War is a racket, kids!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/20

The greatest love story every written keeps getting more romantic, everybody

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Oh, boy, we’re past the innovators and now the hardcore legacy strips have apparently decided “FINE, it looks like this whole coronavirus pandemic isn’t going to just go away on its own, let’s TALK about it, I guess.” How’d they do?

Hagar the Horrible, 6/28/20

Hagar the Horrible is mostly oblique, and indeed the throwaway panels seem to be statement of purpose to keep the strip coronavirus-free. I genuinely enjoy the choice here for Dr. Zook to throw his bag in frustration, sending his medical equipment scattering across Hagar’s bed, and was definitely not anticipating the vampiric twist!

Shoe, 6/28/20

It seems that birds can’t contract the coronavirus, so today’s strip gives us an interesting glimpse into the nature of the Shoe bird-men’s society: though they are immune to humanity’s diseases, they are apparently still dependent on us for televised entertainment.

Dennis the Menace, 6/28/20

The elderly like the Wilsons are at particular risk from COVID-19, so I really appreciate George’s total commitment to his bit, by which I mean he identifies a global pandemic that’s killed hundreds of thousands of people and crippled the world economy with the five-year-old kid next door who he just fucking hates.

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Gil Thorp, 6/19/20

Good news from Gil Thorp, everyone! Mike “The Mayor” didn’t just slink off to the bad kid school and give up on his hopes and dreams after being expelled for bringing a butter knife into class; instead, he’s training the other bad kids at his bad kid school for an epic slobs vs. snobs baseball battle against his old Mudlark teammates. And he just found his secret weapon Corina Karenna (named, I assume, after the beloved (?) 1994 Ray Liotta/Whoopi Goldberg vehicle Corrina, Corrina), who’s very good at baseball and is a total anarchist. The infield fly rule? The “unwritten rules of baseball”? Corina will be ignoring all of them as the misfits roll over the Mudlarks in an unauthorized game played “thunderdome-style,” i.e., with no umpires, parents, or sense of decency.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/19/20

Today’s Funky Winkerbean made me realize that despite having read about the glory and pageantry of Lisa’s Story for years and years and years, I don’t actually … know what exactly Lisa’s Story is about? I mean, I know Lisa’s actual life story, but does the book/movie treatment cover the whole arc of her life, or just the cancer stuff or what? And, like, she died pretty young — Darrin, who was born when she was in high school, was in high school when she passed away, so she couldn’t have been older than her mid-30s. And she had two cancer bouts, over several years! I have no idea how young or old this actress is who Les just hate-masturbated to on the plane, and it’s true that Hollywood casts actresses young, but I’m pretty sure Les would only be satisfied without someone the age he is now, and here’s the thing, Les: Lisa stopped aging when she died.

Hagar the Horrible, 6/19/20

Ha ha, that got kind of dark, didn’t it? Well, suck it up, times are dark. Look, here’s the grimmest, realest Hagar the Horrible ever written!