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Comics archive! Garfield

John’s cake disqualified because there’s nothing “natural” about Mary

Mary Worth, 2/1/13

OK, you knew and I knew that John Dill was going to get weird about Mary at some point in this storyline. The only questions were when and how. We now know the answer to when — it’s right now, right here, in front of a national TV audience (or maybe just the seven people currently watching Santa Royale’s public access cable station, I forget), but we’re still not sure of the how and frankly I’m on tenterhooks. Is the incredibly lifelike figurine of Mary he just carved out of marzipan with a butter knife meant to be an idol of pagan worship, and John will demand, wild-eyed, that the studio audience acknowledge Mary’s divine and terrible beauty? Or will he calmly wait until Mary notices the figure, and then, without breaking eye contact with her, pick it up and bite the head off before tossing it to the ground? Either way, next week is going to be amazing.

Spider-Man, 2/1/13

“Finally, I managed to work that Google bit into my quippery! I really feel like my repartee is going to be more up to date now.”

Garfield, 2/1/13

Garfield will do anything to feed his voracious appetites, Jon. Anything.

The most nightmarish time of the year

Crock, 12/9/12

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think Crock is being portrayed as too cartoonishly evil here. I mean, obviously it’s well established that he’s a villainous, petty dictator, but surely he’s enough of a realist to know that the local religious authorities aren’t going to be actively preaching sin and filth like they’re the Church of Satan or something. Shouldn’t he be pleased that the local priest is going old school and promising to use his money to punish and degrade the church’s enemies, instead of going in for some kind of touchy-feely love-thy-neighbor crap like feeding the poor or something?

B.C., 12/9/12

Plans for a lucrative B.C. Babies franchise where abruptly scuttled when the terrifying character designs were revealed. “So, if we make their arms and legs even stubbier, and glom them onto impossibly squat torsos, and remove their necks, that’s cute, right? Kids will want those dolls?”

Garfield, 12/9/12

You know, Garfield gets a bad rap among comics snobs, but anything that teaches kids that Santa is really a terrifying demon-thing waiting to grab you from behind and drag you down into a terrifying hell-dimension is all right in my book.

Luann, 12/9/12

Left to their own devices, Brad and TJ have turned their backs on God and started worshipping Mammon full-time.

Couldn’t he have just set off the siren hims—oh, forget it

Beetle Bailey, 8/4/12

I was going to go into this whole thing about how “Halftrack Dysfunctional Marriage Saturdays” are always the most depressing day in the comics all week, and that Mrs. Halftrack is doing a great job of gleefully pushing her husband further down his little shame spiral rather than trying to free him from it, but then I noticed that the General’s trademark neck-wattle is visible from the side and I got distracted.

Spider-Man, 8/4/12

Sorry, everybody, we’re going to have to start speaking some other language now! English hit its pinnacle with “Never suspected I booby-trapped my clown nose!” and it’s all going to be pretty much downhill from here, so let’s get out while the getting’s good.

Garfield, 8/4/12

AHH AHHH AHHH GARFIELD TURNED JON INTO A HEAD OF CABBAGE WITH FELINE DEMON MAGIC AHHHHHH