Apartment 3-G, 7/9/14
For the past five days, Tommie has been letting Tina believe that Lily is a human baby, rather than a fawn who Tommie started raising after killing her mother with her car. That’s all that’s been happening, and it’s going to keep happening, forever. It’s been … kind of amazing? I think time is running backwards now.
Funky Winkerbean, 7/9/14
OH BOY, IT’S THE FUNKY WINKERBEAN COMICS NERDS GO TO COMIC-CON PLOT YOU’VE BEEN ASKING FOR!!! You … you have been asking for it, right? No? Oh well, too bad! Anyway, I’m actually genuinely surprised to learn that any actual comics business happens at Comic-Con anymore, as I assumed it had long ago turned into a marketing channel for major media conglomerates’ more explosion-heavy properties. Good luck finding that last Starbucks Jones issue while waiting in line three hours to see a teaser trailer for whatever the big Marvel Cinematic Universe release is going to be in 2017, Holly!
Hi and Lois, 7/9/14
Sunbeam’s little brother is … a laser beam? A laser beam blasting into Trixie’s room from the depths of space? Sure, I guess!
Haha yes Dagwood is on an emotional roller-coaster because the idea for wearable food-based scents that he came up with during an idle sandwich-binge but never pursued has been monetized by someone else with a dumb brand name, and now with that out of the way let’s get to the real story here, which is the weird rolls of flesh (?) around Dagwood’s neck. Longtime readers know I’ve been worried about these things for some time; once, long ago, I worried that Dagwood had maybe sewed a turtleneck out of human skin. But now I think something slightly more subtle is going on here. Dagwood’s face is as smooth and youthful as it’s ever been over the course of his 80+ years in the comics pages. Could it be that only his wrinkled neck-flesh reflects his true age? I would be wholly satisfied if this were the result of either a Portrait of Dorian Gray-type curse scenario or an increasingly elaborate series of facelifts that had to shift the excess wrinkles somewhere.
Apartment 3-G, 6/3/14
Well this has definitely been the boringest ever Apartment 3-G storyline that’s been played out over the course of a conversation between two non-main characters whose motivations we can’t understand and don’t care about! So, in addition to being Jack’s love interest and an example of what Lu Ann would look like if she were put into a highly experimental fast-aging chamber, Carol is also the best friend of Jack’s dead wife! Also, Jack has a dead wife! I guess we’ve finally figured out what this plot is about: Tommie and Jack are mourning their dead partners in the same way: by not talking about it and burying their feelings under mounds of horse poop.
Hi and Lois, 6/3/14
Congratulations, Hi and Lois: after literally years of unsuccessful attempts, you have finally made me genuinely laugh. Hi’s tiny brandy snifter is a nice touch, as is the fact that Botticelli’s Birth of Venus is hanging on the wall, which Hi, in a signal of his total commitment to this passive-aggresive gag, presumably put up to replace whatever sub-middlebrow print was there before (some cursive phrase about the importance of family that you can buy framed from Target, I’m guessing).
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/3/14
True story: when I read panel one, I legitimately thought the joke was going to be based on the premise that Hootin’ Holler was one of those few regional markets where you can still buy Tab, the diet soda that’s now been almost entirely displaced by Diet Coke. But then I got to panel two and realized it was just yet another Barney Google and Snuffy Smith about how all its characters were desperately poor and I got real sad.
“No! Your mother’s great! I love your mother! I think about having sex with your mother all the time! Come back! What am I saying wrong?“
Mary Worth, 5/7/14
Ten years ago (ten years ago!), Mary unleashed a magnificent act of passive aggression on poor Iris; after smelling Tommy’s weed-smoke drifting through the air vents, she dropped by to say hi to Irish and mention “whatever Tommy was smoking” all snide-like. Now, a decade later, she’s prepared to get semi-confrontational right to Tommy’s face! I’m not sure what I like better, her casual reference to “your history” or the idea that an ex-con will somehow magically have an easier time finding a job if only he reframes the process in his mind as some kind of redemption narrative.
So, I guess Heathcliff must occasionally seek legitimacy from the electorate to continue his reign as untouchable god-king? I’m assuming that this is just a Stalinist sham election with only a single name on the ballot: the campaign poster doesn’t even try to convey even the vaguest of political philosophies to entice the voter, but merely promotes a vision of Heathcliff as omnipresent and inevitable, which is of course its own sort of ideological stance.
Hi and Lois, 5/7/14
I’m not exactly sure why Hi and Lois decided to go with a featureless, inky black floor for their kitchen rather than a more traditional tile or linoleum pattern, but if they thought it wouldn’t show dirt or stains as vividly, they were clearly very much mistaken.
Mother Goose and Grimm, 5/7/14
Grimm is panhandling for money to see what appears to be a porno version of Spider-Man.