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Comics archive! Hi and Lois

Mostly stinky Thursday

Hi and Lois, 1/28/16

“Why can’t we ever have a sleepover?” Trixie thinks. “Why can’t the sun remain forever in the sky, quickly warming our side of the globe beyond the ability of any life to survive, until the seas boil and the air burns away, while the other hemisphere is locked into eternal, icy night?” Fortunately, she isn’t one of those babies who have God-like powers to control time and space with her mind. She can just form adult sentences and concepts but can’t verbalize or act on them, so we really dodged a bullet here.

Judge Parker, 1/28/16

You know, I poke a lot of fun at the Spence-Drivers for their vast wealth and privilege, but let it never be said that they don’t deal with hardships! For instance, Abby spends so much time on her vast, lucrative farm that she’s no longer physically capable of smelling horse shit. Give Sam a few months in his new home office and his nose will be similarly damaged!

Marvin, 1/28/16

Meanwhile, Marvin’s friends, in defiance of all medical logic, are still fully able to experience the toxic miasma that surrounds him at all times. Today, though, the cold weather has caused whatever foul brew is in his diapers to freeze solid. This seems like it would be bad for him, health-wise, so it’s a good thing I don’t care about his well-being.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/28/16

“So you see, honey, I get to decide who lives and who dies and I have an excuse to ignore you while we eat. It’s what grownups call a ‘win-win.’”

[extremely spooky voice echoing as if in a endless sepulcher] KISS KISS KISS KISS

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/27/16

June and Heather have spent the past several days discussing the fact that Heather loves June’s new baby and wants to have a baby but is married to a man vanishing into Alzheimer’s and thus will never have a baby and is very sad about it. But remember, Heather isn’t just a sad Scottish ex-nanny with a senile husband; she’s also a criminal conspirator who has masterminded schemes of corporate skullduggery not once but twice. She is going to feel zero moral qualms about kidnapping that baby the moment June leaves the room, is what I’m saying.

Momma, 1/27/16

This is a joke about … STDs, maybe? “Bad colds” being code for “herpes”? That’s the joke? Or maybe the joke is “Francis thinks it’s OK to say ‘My new girlfriend is always kissing me! Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!’ to his mother, which isn’t a ‘joke’ so much as a ‘nightmare from which we will never wake.’”

Dennis the Menace, 1/27/16

There are few things more unsettlingly menacing than spending hours each night poring over old Calvin and Hobbes strips and then passing off the behavior you’re carefully mimicking as “naturally weird.”

Hi and Lois, 1/27/16

See, you thought the joke of this cartoon was going to be that these little kids unthinkingly reminded the old man that he would be dead soon, but in fact the joke is that they’ve reminded him of the many terrible, terrible things he’s seen and done. It’s nice when a long-standing feature like Hi and Lois can keep you guessing!

I love it when you call me medium-sized Jeffrey

Judge Parker, 1/12/16

Oh, hey, remember back in October when April said she had just one last war crime to commit in the Balkans at the behest of her shadowy taskmasters, and then she’d come home and start churning out the next generation of Judges Parker? Well it turns out that it isn’t quite so easy to walk away from the murderous world of undercover intelligence work. Can the Parkers get April to give up the dangerous, exciting world that she loves and get domestic? Can they convince the U.S. intelligence establishment to let her go? Will several large checks make this problem, like all other problems that afflict the Parkers, go away?

Crankshaft, 1/12/16

I’m … pretty sure the joke here is that Pam calls Jeff “Jeffrey” during sex, and has for years, and is suddenly only now being made aware that this is also something his mother, who lives with them, calls him, and that he hates it when she does. Has their entire sex life together, presumably spanning decades, been an awful, Oedipal punishment for him? No, don’t worry, he assures her, when she calls out his full name while they have sex, it’s … kind of sweet. Kind of sweet! I guess that’s better than “when I’m inside you I see my mother’s face on your face,” right?

Hi and Lois, 1/12/16