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Comics archive!
January, 2009
Mark Trail, 1/30/09
Uh-oh! Looks like we’re going to be getting to the punchery much sooner than anticipated! Obviously, the world of Mark Trail does not conform to our simple linear Earth-logic, but there are a few things going on here that are laughable even by this strip’s standards:
- It’s laughable that any adult human — even one as demonstrably dim as poor deerophilic Patty — would require photo-taking instructions so basic as to make it seem that she’s never encountered one of these so-called “cameras” before. “And you promise that this won’t actually put you and Bucky inside the little box, right?”
- It’s laughable that someone would be jealous at discovering Mark alone with his wife, as anyone who’s exchanged two sentences with the man would realize that sex baffles and terrifies him.
- It’s laughable that anyone would be able to clench his hand into a fist within half a mile of Mark without Mark hearing the tell-tale crinkling of palm-flesh and instantly being on the alert. WATCH OUT, KEN!
Marvin, 1/30/09
“Hmm, I seem to have written a joke that requires the grandfather character to be asleep without the reader realizing it until the third panel! This is tricky because, according to my research, most people close their eyes when they sleep, and eyes are something I draw when I do cartoons. Hmm, let me think, let me think … I could have him wear sunglasses, inside for some reason … no, that doesn’t make sense. Or, I could draw his regular eyeglasses such that you can’t see his pupils. That is at odds with how I’ve drawn him every other time he’s appeared in the strip, but, as I think I mentioned, I already came up with the joke, so it’ll have to do.”
Crankshaft, 1/30/09
If there’s one thing guaranteed to shock and disgust Crankshaft, it’s a sincere expression of human affection.
Dick Tracy, 1/29/09
Dick Tracy is well known for such stunningly pointless narration box scene setting as “In another room” and “Elsewhere,” but I have to admit to being somewhat intrigued by “Much later”. By using qualitative, not quantitative, terms, the strip sets up an intriguing narrative tension about exactly when the third panel is supposed to be taking place. Are we meant to read it as “Much later, after Dick’s gruesome, nine-hour ‘enhanced’ interrogation of Professor Noll, at the end of which he described the secret project he was working on, confessed to a number of crimes he couldn’t have possibly committed, and then was shot ‘trying to escape’?” Or as “Much later, after the human race has evolved into a species with no pupils, shiny black skulls, truncated, pointy breasts, and a tendency to name people things like ‘Driller’?”
Gil Thorp, 1/29/09
Of course, Central has an incredible home-court advantage. Playing basketball on a court with four-foot ceilings does limit the number of home fans who can come and cheer, but for teams unused to such conditions, the stooped, simian lope that they make necessary can be a real distraction — one that the permanently hunched over Bobcats can exploit.
I’m not sure what the two clowns standing behind Marty are up to — trying to get their faces on the radio? That’s not how it works, guys — but I sincerely hope that the blond-haired glasses-wearing dude is making the universal jerk-off motion with his left hand, as he appears to be.
Blondie, 1/29/05
I strongly disapprove of the set-up for this joke. Dagwood can’t possibly be much older than, say, 50; obviously anyone born after 1960, when asked by a child if some common, century-old device were available during their childhood, would respond not with “Yes, and yet I’m also going to offer a description of an archaic technology that will make me seem even more wizened to you,” but with “JESUS CHRIST ELMO HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM,” followed by some serious soul-searching and a series of inappropriate and regrettable music and clothing purchases.
Mary Worth, 1/29/09
“Yes, before I came to visit you, I never imagined the hatred and despair that lurked just beneath the besequined surface of this beautiful sport! Now every time I see a coach talking to a skater on TV, all I’ll be able to think of will be the many ways that each has been able to wound and disappoint the other over the years. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to finish my glass of blood as soon as possible and get the hell out of here before this little papered-over truce you’ve established inevitably collapses in tears and acrimony and slashing blades.”
Dick Tracy, 1/28/09
I spent longer than I care to recount staring at the final panel of this cartoon, trying to figure out what Dick was getting at. Was there some other way to pronounce “perfume” that would cause this apparent play on words to make some sort of sense? “Especially because you’re making perfume for my wife. Or is it per-foom-ay? Just like your house went a-boom-ay? Wait, no, hold on a second…” Eventually, I figured out that the final word panel should be read as “Or is it perfume?” I don’t want to single out Dick Tracy, because Random Bolding Syndrome is an affliction that strikes virtually every comic ever created, though some more than others (*cough* Mark Trail *cough*). Here’s a helpful tip for comics artists: try reading your dialogue aloud, adding emphasis, before committing it to word balloons, OK?
I did not, however, have to think very long to figure out what Dick was getting at with “Just want to know you better” in the first panel; obviously it involves electrodes, sensitive body parts, pleas for mercy, etc.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/28/09
I can’t even begin to tell you how unsettled I am by panel two Rex, with his pursed, fleshy lips and suddenly beady and lizard-like eyes. Maybe he’s trying to cut his usual condescending tone to his wife by feigning a sympathetic and concerned facial expression, but he has no real idea what that would look like, so he’s just flexing his face muscles at random and hoping for the best. Meanwhile, in panel three, Rex and June look less like they’re discussing the abstract possibility of some little boy they don’t know being lost, and more like they’ve been given some terrible, devastating piece of personal news, like “Little Sarah didn’t get into that elite pre-school because they found her uncanny and creepy” or “Honcho Magazine no longer has home delivery.”
Crankshaft, 1/28/09
It’s good to know that the ’Shaft occasionally feels a frisson of remorse for his many monstrous crimes.
Apartment 3-G, 1/28/09
“Love! Happiness! The giddiness of a new relationship! I … I … does not compute! Should I just slit her throat now and make a run for it?”
Funky Winkerbean, 1/27/09
This isn’t just some cheesy motivational ploy; it’s very important that characters in Funky Winkerbean learn how to efficiently dig a grave.
Judge Parker, 1/27/09
“She’s probably still mad about that time that I slapped her, and then didn’t get in trouble for it, because I’m rich! Gosh, I don’t know what it is with poor people and their constant complaining. Why can’t they learn to just let things go?”
There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I need to get to before I present the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!
“Margo is every bit as awe-inspiring and terrifying as all that. Bitch makes me bathroom, what can I say?” –Uncle Lumpy
And the runners-up! Pretty amusing, wouldn’t you say?
“I sure can relate to Ziggy today. Ha! Not really. I didn’t even bother to read it. Do they still publish it?” –PeteMoss
“Margo hates it when her roommates forget the rules. Rule 1: Every conversation in the apartment must be about Margo. Rule 2: Only Margo may initiate conversation. Rule 3: No one may look at Margo at any time!!” –AmazingThor
“So Marvin’s last name is Miller? Sadly, this is the most interesting thing I’ve ever read in Marvin.” –Amanda M
“‘Business to attend to?’ Sure, Margo. Your outfit tells us you are sneaking away to attend Maude-Con 2009, where you are determined to win the costume contest. Say hi to Conrad Bain for us.” –Joe Blevins
“Wow, I really like Cinderella Tommie. And I wouldn’t have thought there was any modifier I could use for ‘Tommie’ that would make that statement true, with the possible exception of ‘zombie.’” –Violet
“Tube-of-toothpaste-cosplay is a special act that should only be practiced within the confines of holy matrimony.” –Dale K.
“Lu Ann calls from South Dakota and asks, ‘So, Tommie, whatcha doin’?’ while twirling the phone cord around her finger. Tommie says ‘Cleaning’ and Lu Ann goes, ‘Cleaning?’ and Tommie says ‘Yeah’ and Lu Ann says ‘Wow! Sounds like fun!’ and then Margo comes back because she forgot her skis and she’s all, like, ‘What the HELL are you doing on the phone? I told you to CLEAN!’ and Tommie mutters ‘Bye, gotta go’ and hangs up. Lu Ann continues to hold the dead phone to her ear saying ‘Hello? HELLO?’ for the next week and a half. The last panel is just a big cloud of dust with a bunch of stars and Margo fists and 3-D words zooming out of it saying stuff like ‘BAM!’ ‘BIFF!’ ‘POW!’ and ‘ZOKKO!’” –mojo
“I sense a hillbilly Belly Laffs series brewing for next week. Tomorrow: Another Diff’rence ’tween Gals an’ Fellers: Pull their pants down.” –Rusty
“Maybe Mr. Wilson is shrinking because every time he sees Dennis, a little part of him dies inside. Oh, wait, that’s me.” –Zeeba Neighba
“‘Last piece, Cayla?’ ‘No, thanks. There’s something unpleasant about the greasy sheen on it. Not unlike your forehead, if I’m being honest.’” –One-eyed Wolfdog
“Apparently Kani hasn’t advanced far enough in his training to earn his diapers yet, so maybe he’ll be spared the trauma of returning to Mawitaan for a few more days. I recommend that he wear the diapers when he gets home, because the hysterical laughter they’ll inspire in local toughs will give him a few extra minutes to make his getaway.” –Poteet
“Montoni’s: We’re not satisfied until you’re not satisfied.” –thehollis
“‘I know the owner and can get us a good booth’ — nobody talks like that, first of all, except cartoon characters whose sentence length is dictated by the size of their speech bubbles; second and more important, it’s a PIZZA PLACE. A ‘good booth’ is one whose eating surface has been wiped down with a damp rag at least once in the last twelve hours.” –Mollie
“Phantom delivers with sexy, sexy muscular man-bodi … OH SHIT THEY’RE CHILDREN MUST GO VOMIT” –jaybrrd
“Two over-muscled pre-teens, one of them in a waist-high side-slit diaper, are boxing under the watchful eye of a purple-latex-clad guy in a mask. This doesn’t so much say The Phantom to me as Jack Chick Tract About Castro Street.” –Patrick
“You know, Montoni’s weird rules are strangely reminiscent of the strip itself: Come for the teen pregnancy, suicide attempts, alcoholism, cancer, and mime deaths, stay because you have no choice in the matter.” –zooby
“The cruise line is broke and the crew’s on strike. What’s next, pirates? Or will several of the male crew, including that one who works on deck 5 with the hungry eyes and lean brown thighs and the one from the dining room with the dark wavy hair and easy dimpled smile, catch me in the men’s sauna and hold me down, forcing me to satiate their bottomless lust repeatedly, violating me in unspeakable ways until we all collapse in a sweaty pile on the floor. I’m sorry June, what were you saying? Oh, right, free cruise. By the way, you missed a spot below the knee when you were shaving your right leg. Well, I’m off to the sauna.” –Cranky
“I think ‘Love Fire’ is the name of Dick’s latest poem, which, judging by his turtleneck, Dick is set to perform down at Jumpin’ Joe’s Java and Jazz. Of course, it’s all a cover so’s he can beat up Beatniks.” –Comrade Denny
“ANSWER: Being a wild animal cruelly forced to wear clothes and kept in a cage, Shylock barked pitifully and scrabbled at the bars. When the Count said ‘choose wisely,’ and pushed the cookie between the bars, the ravenous fox yipped and devoured the cookie in one bite. ‘Well played,’ said Weirdly, as his demented henchman opened the other cookie, which of course had ‘no freedom’ inside it. As Weirdly unlocked the cage, Shylock ran around and around inside it, dislodging the deerstalker cap, which had never been that firmly perched on his tiny fox head to begin with.” –Marion Delgado
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Apartment 3-G, 1/26/09
While a small but tragic percentage of people who say (or thought-balloon) things like “Who is this friendly, cheerful woman and what has she done with the real Nora Mills??” suffer from a form of mental illness, most people are speaking figuratively. “Ha, obviously this person is in fact Nora Mills, but she is acting in a way so at variance with her normal behavior, it’s as if she’s a different person! Which I know isn’t really true! I’m not coked up and paranoid, not me! Steady, Margo, steady…”
But Margo’s speculation may in fact be neither delusion nor elaborate metaphor. Because this Nora Mills has a short and kicky haircut, while the one we met earlier had shoulder-length locks with a Marilyn Quayle flip. Now, normally that would just be an indication that Nora decided on a new hairstyle, but in Apartment 3-G-world, hairstyles are the only way to distinguish between people of the same age and gender. (I was going to add “ethnic group” to that list, but then I realized, ha ha.) Thus, it is actually quite likely that this is an entirely different Nora Mills, possibly because Margo doesn’t realize that the first Google hit on a relatively common name isn’t necessarily the person you’re looking for.
Rex Morgan, M.D, 1/26/09
Oh, June! If you think you’re going to extract some kind of refund from a bankrupt corporation, let me sit down with you and explain the term “secured creditor.” Still, you’re also gamely attempting to seduce your husband by showing some leg, so I guess hope springs eternal.
Dick Tracy, 1/26/09
Like the rest of us, Dick has clearly become bored with this perfume storyline and has put on his cat-burglar suit for a little breaking and entry. Whether he’s doing so as part of a secret government operation, in league with a rogue group of law enforcement officers with their own agenda, or just because he wants to steal some stuff, it’s sure to be more interesting than the marketing of “Love Fire.”
Marmaduke, 1/26/09
“And yet he’s not here! Maybe this slavering hell-hound with what looks to be blood all over his teeth has something to do with that.”
