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Wednesday one-liners

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On the Comics Curmudgeon’s 8th blogiversary, I have a couple of quick notes on my planned novel. First, THANK YOU! My Kickstarter reached its goal in the first 24 hours it was up, and has already raised much more money than any fundraiser I’ve ever done. The book will still be better — better edited, better designed, and better written — if I get more pre-orders, and you get a more physically pleasing version of the book if you pre-order, so please do check it out.

Second, you might note that some of the high-end rewards I’ve offered involve me travelling to your home town to participate in a book party. These look pricey, but aren’t so much if you split the costs among many party guests! If you’re interested in hosting, email me and tell me where you live, and I’ll try to connect you with others nearby.


Blondie, 7/11/12

Mr. Dithers is violating any number of employee protection laws, but it’s almost certainly worth it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/11/12

Sorry, Rex, Iris hasn’t understood a word you said since she heard the telltale sound of a corkscrew opening, because she’s been so very focused on staring intently at the delicious, delicious wine.

Luann, 7/11/12

When Luann’s mom was a teen, “heavy face time” was the name for a deadly plague that caused people’s faces to fill with pus and swell up painfully, so you can understand why she looks so upset.

Beetle Bailey, 7/11/12

I feel bad for constantly making fun of General Halftrack’s alcoholism and erratic behavior now that I know that he suffers from terrible PTSD.

Family Circus, 7/11/12

Sam the dog looks beseechingly at the sky, wondering why the ancient Thunder God gave Jeffy enough warning to successfully escape the terrible electric death prepared for him.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/11/12

Herb’s attempts to live out his philosophy of non-violence as a youth failed to make him a better person, and instead have left him a bitter, frustrated adult, consumed by thoughts of revenge.

Six Chix, 7/11/12

This nice scientist has grown a baby in a lab, raising any number of disturbing ethical questions.

Marmaduke, 7/11/12

Someone gave Marmaduke a bag of corn chips.

286 responses to “Wednesday one-liners”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    FW — Unfortunately, it’s a waste of time to take their photo since were-kittens don’t show up in pictures.

    As the story of Deadpan Dan and Sooty McDuff continues to unfold, I find myself hoping Batiuk spins these two characters off into their own strip. And if
    it comes at the expense of Funky and/or Crankshaft, so much the better.

  2. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Marmaduke keeps the bones of his victims in an old corn chip bag.

  3. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    MT: I actually understand why Mark doesn’t want to spend any time with Rusty. But they spent enough time together for Rusty to pick up Mark’s annoying habit of vocalizing his every thought.

  4. nescio
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    Marm: No, Marmaduke claimed the corn chips as a prize after he ate their original owner.

    SixChix: “And that’s when I created my portable used-condom museum.”

  5. CanuckDownSouth
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Nina’s head is at chest level and her back is straight despite being told to get on all fours and lean forward – either they’ve forgotten all about the need to invasively reposition the kid since yesterday, or she’s a centaur.

    If centaurs have magic powers, that also might explain the disappearing / reappearing cushion that’s usually glued to her back rather than supported against a chair or a wall.

  6. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    MW: Oh, I’ve got it! Ripped from the headlines! The ship sails too close to the coast, runs aground, and capsizes. The captain panics and flees despite orders from the coast guard to remain aboard. Wilbur and Dawn, with heroic fortitude and dazzling ingenuity, personally rescue the thousand other passengers. Seeing the terrible danger that exists in real life makes her own troubles seem trivial, and Dawn casts off her despondency and devotes her life to Good Works. Wilbur, his strength and leadership abilities finally recognized, is elected President of the World.

    // Life is brutal.

  7. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    S4th Aha! Ripped from the pages of Comics Curmudgeon! A strip about soft, slant, or (as they call it here) “near” rhyming. Can a strip about slide rules or sentence diagramming be far behind?

  8. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    Oh, oh. Forgot to close that HTML tag…

  9. Loki
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    I guess Africa is not too hot. Everyone in FW is wearing long sleeves or a sweat shirt.

  10. UberMitch
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Presumably also when Luann’s mom was a teen, “Skyping” was the name for a particularly distasteful sex act.

  11. Mibbitmaker
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Blondie: And the fees at Dagwood’s bank penalizes having only that much in his account, costing him the rest. Dithers is a very dangerous man, and the Bumsteads’ lives are completely ruined!
    ….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!!!!

    RMMD: A Woody Wilson character practically has money thrown into her lap.
    Ooh, the suspense!

    Luann:
    ANYTHING EVEN SOUNDING SEXUAL IN ANY WAY IS NOT ALLOWED IN THIS STRIP!
    Thank you — the management

    BBailey: The general’s crippling PTSD is one of the primary reasons that Camp Swampy never had to serve in any wars since, at least, before Korea.

    FC: Mommy and daddy summoned up the wrath of God because you’ve been a bad boy, Jeffy!

    H&J: Music copyrights issues prevented the intended final panel, where Herb continued his train of thought from panel 3 with, “….What a wonderful world!”

    6C: “And, given the quality of those we’ve been stuck with for the last half century, I figure this result will go on to become President of the United States.”

    Marm: Why would someone give Marmaduke a bag of corn chips?

  12. Mary Worthless
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Sadly, before Dawn and Wilbur can board, he is injured in a freak panini and mayo accident and is confined to a wheelchair for a month.

    Fortunately the cruise ship, Achille Lauro, is handicapped accessable and they can mope about the Mediterraean.

    Fortunately for us, terrorists are going to board . . .

  13. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Not only is today the Comics Curmudgeon’s 8th blogiversary, it’s also the
    43rd anniversary of the release of David Bowie’s “Space Oddity,” a song about fictional astronaut Major Tom.

    The two events are probably connected in some way, but I won’t know for sure until I put on my tin foil hat. (Darn, I must have mislaid it!)

  14. sporknpork
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Why aren’t Luann’s parents even MORE concerned with their daughter videochatting with a boy?

  15. Borborygmy
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    @Loki (#9): I guess Africa is not too hot. Everyone in FW is wearing long sleeves or a sweat shirt.

    It can get chilly in mountain country. And there are those glaciers at the the top, tho not so extensive as they used to be.

    // I guess North America isn’t too cold. I saw a picture of Miami Beach in January…

  16. pugfuggly
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Blondie Ha ha! Score one for the 1%! They may not be able to fire you, but they can make it so you have to work essentially for free!

    JP Today’s Judge Parker is brought to you by the Sommelier Knife Company: more elegant than a winger, classier than a pull-screw, the Sommelier has it all.

    Luann When i was growing up, ‘Heavy Facetime’ was a metal band out of Cornwall…or maybe that was ‘Heaving Faecal-Tron’?…’Hellbent Faust Crime’?…. in any event, Luann’s Mom is picturing her having oral sex! How about that?

    A3G ‘You say the stupidest things’ said the girl who eschewed medical aid so she could have her baby at home on the good lounge chair.

    MT It’s kind of rare that someone’s dumb ideas match their dumb dace so perfectly….

    MW HA HA!!! Italian Cruise-Ship tragedy, here we come!

  17. nescio
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    @UberMitch (#10): Yes, having sex with Luann’s father.

  18. wossname
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    CdS – I love how Petey has the food items on his plate carefully separated. Now that, my friends, is attention to detail and character.

    JP – Total awesomeness. Is this the first time Wilson has made it totally clear that he shares our opinion that Sam is a smug douchebag and not an admirable protagonist?

    BB – Haha, the general has PTSD after a one-day mock battle! And PTSD is very very funny! Just ask several Doonesbury characters.

    BGSS – Uhhhh – this makes absolutely no sense.

  19. Mibbitmaker
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    The new Pop Culture’s Kids strip is now up!

    Odd……. after I finished writing today’s PCK, I faintly heard someone in the background add,
    “I saw ya!”

  20. Dennis Jimenez
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Blondie – I dig the dog’s reaction….

    RMMD – The $3,000 funeral, huh – must be a special at Sam’s Club….

    Luann – But jerking off, that still means the same thing, right….

    BB – Gen. Halftrack takes position for the arrival of the two-star general, coming to evaluate his, ah, er, “performance”….

    FC – The sky is cryin’ – look at the tears fall down her face – thanks a bunch, Keene clan….

    H&J – So, it’s a coffee cup – I thought it was a happy meal for quite a while….

    6-C – Thus, Rusty Trail is born….

    Marm – Everyone knows they give him gas….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  21. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    LUANN – Is “facetime” even really a term for using Facebook, or was it just invented for this lame gag?

    “Face time” used to mean “time spent kissing your partner’s face”. That was an innocent age, of course. But here is Mrs. Luann, in 2012, with a look of abject shock at the idea her 17YO daughter might be interested in kissing boys.

    “We had the last three deported, and we’ll keep on deporting them until your wedding day, young hussy! I didn’t give all that ‘face time’ to the groin of the 300-pound man down at INS for nothing, missy!”

  22. Howard Erk
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Seeing as titles are not protected by copyright, I think Josh should title his first major opus, Stone Season.

  23. pugfuggly
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#16):

    crud, my JP should be RMMD

    I mixed up my smug bastards.

  24. Hogenmogen
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    I would like to know what the routine, off-camera home life is like in Mark Trail, where everyone loudly announces every passing thought.

    Rusty: I want to take pictures of bighorn sheep! Sheep excite me! I will keep them in my box of special pictures that I keep under my mattress!

    Doc: I want to have a bowel movement! My bladder is also painfully full!

    Cherry: I have not left this cabin in 12 years!

    Mark: MORE PANCAKES, MULE!

  25. S. Stout
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#21):

    FaceTime is Apple’s video chat software that works on all Apple products. I don’t think we’ve ever seen Luann with an Apple product but hey, Evans already said he’s phoning it in.

  26. McManx
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth — Oh, I know what every one is thinking — Italian cruise ship… incompetent captain… capsizing on a reef… Wilbur drowns… Dawn celebrates! However, I’m holding out for less catastrophic way to help Dawn snap out of her depression — all we need is a cargo bay, a Duesenberg and Leonardo DiCaprio.

    Barney Google — Well Parson Tuttle is fully out of the closet now, but his cruising technique leaves much to be desired.

    Beetle Bailey — I failed to read the dialog balloon first and just scanned the first panel. Thus I thought General Halftrack had finally committed suicide. I wish he had.

    Judge Parker — I think Sam is about to get a hammer to the skull.

    Luann — Ha, ha. It’s funny because Luann’s mother was a slut in highschool.

    Rusty — Dying his hair red and getting orthodontia hasn’t helped Rusty much. He’s still a goon child.

    Ziggy — If Ziggy’s “fair share” is only worth 50 cents, then I’d say this confirms that Ziggy isn’t worth the powder it would take to blow him to hell.

  27. Pozzo
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    No, that’s “Corny Chips.” I’m pretty sure Marmaduke is eating pieces of a a clown.

  28. Digger
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    So even though “heavy skyping and face time” are not sexual activities, Luann will still have a more active sex life than Brad.

  29. Horace Broon
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    DT: “But … but I wanted to shoot him!”

    Luann: Is the “heavy face time” plague what happened to many of the female characters’ lips?

    Pluggers: Pluggers eat watermelon, apparently. Big city elitists don’t eat watermelon?

  30. Noel Schornhorst
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    The Six Chix Mystery: Just what sort of ‘leftover genetic material’ did she find? And why was it in several kleenexes next to a copy of ‘Debbie Does Dallas’? The world may never know.

  31. endless sky
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Argyle Sweater: The bag of Kingsford in the devil’s shopping cart is a nice touch.

  32. Marc
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#21): Facetime is a feature on apple products that basically amounts to a video phone. Say Luann and Quill both have Iphones; they would be able to call each other and use facetime to interact face to face. Pretty much a mobile skype. I can’t wait until Luann’s parents see what her phone bill is going to be when she spends 40 hours a month on international calls.

  33. Hogenmogen
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Luann: Seriously, what did Mrs. DeGroot think that they were going to do? There’s the freakin’ Pacific Ocean between them. I’m sure Quill is well endowed, but 6000 miles through briny salt water is a stretch of the imagination.

    And the joke would be that he’d roll the Trans Pacific Cable out of his pants and then come out 6 inches shy of the shoreline. Or, that would be the joke if I wrote the strip.

  34. RavenHawk
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#6): Oh, I’ve got it! Ripped from the headlines! The ship sails too close to the coast, runs aground, and capsizes. The captain panics and flees despite orders from the coast guard to remain aboard. Wilbur and Dawn, with heroic fortitude and dazzling ingenuity, personally rescue the thousand other passengers. Seeing the terrible danger that exists in real life makes her own troubles seem trivial, and Dawn casts off her despondency and devotes her life to Good Works. Wilbur, his strength and leadership abilities finally recognized, is elected President of the World.

    // Life is brutal.
    *******

    Tonight on Lifetime.

    “One woman’s struggle, to overcome a broken relationship, soon becomes a struggle between life and death. Shannon Doherty, in the world premiere, Not Without My Dinghy.”

    LIFE IS BRUTAL.

  35. ZZalapski
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    So the Six Chix scientist grew a baby in the lab. A baby what? From the expressions her companions are wearing, they might be wondering the same thing.

  36. TheDiva
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    FC: Normally it’s the dog who runs inside and hides under the bed…

    H&J: Herb wishes he had gotten beaten up more in high school.

    Luann: Luann’s parents are fairly unfazed by their daughter’s intentions to have frequent cybersex with Quill.

  37. Greg K
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    LuAnn and Quill will be sexting. Cool, topical, safe-sex storyline! Unfortunately, also gross.

  38. Voshkod
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    You’ve got to give Blondie points on one thing, though – Dagwood uses direct deposit. It’s almost modern! I’d have expected Blondie to be counting cash in a pay envelope, or looking at an actual check for deposit.

  39. Hogenmogen
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    RMMD: She’s in total shock that Rex would be so cheap with Foster’s funeral expenses while popping open a $60 bottle of wine.

  40. pugfuggly
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    @ZZalapski (#35):

    Or if it’s even a baby at all.

    “They had some extra genetic material, so I had them whip me up this omelette”

  41. Greg K
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Dagwood’s reaction is from the sudden realization, “Holy Crap! Blondie reviews my bank account!? Now she’ll see my on-line porn subscriptions!”

  42. Lake Neuron
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#21):
    “Facetime” is Apple’s version of Skype.

  43. urk
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Corny Chips? Is that Romney’s brand?

  44. S. Stout
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#32):

    FaceTime is completely free, it works over WiFi. Skype is free as well I believe.

  45. Hogenmogen
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Herb is 5′ 2″ now. What kind of a squib was he in high school?
    “I could have taken him … out for ice cream.”

  46. Doctor Handsome
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Re-LAX, Luann’s mom!! They’ll just be mutually masturbating on webcams. Jeez, things sure were sordid back in the ’80s, to hear you tell it.

  47. Viktor
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    I doubt this surprises anyone, but I’m certain Family Circus has used that joke before. They desperately need new material.

  48. Esther Blodgett
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    FW: Are we absolutely sure it was Greg Evans who said he was phoning it in?

    JP: And the gruff and quite possibly violent marijuana farmer immediately becomes the most likable character in Judge Parker history.

    Bizarro: This made me giggle.

    S4th: My day has been made brighter by the addition of a Reuben Kincaid reference. Thank you, Ces.

  49. TheDiva
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    9CL: Diane knows that if she lets herself go after the baby, Brooke will never draw her again. (In other news, Amos’ last name is apparently Van Hosen which is the only thing that could make him even dorkier than he already is.)

    A3G: Said the woman who just used the phrase “Holy Hannah!” in all seriousness.

    C’shaft: Cranky will be disappointed to learn his attempt to spread misery has gone amiss. He’ll have to blow up another grill to make up for it.

    FW: Hey, the cat’s survived this long in a dark, cramped, enclosed space, what’s another day or two?

    MT: “Good thing that bighorn is apparently deaf, otherwise my incessant chatting would have driven it off by now!”

    MW: I see Wilbur has chosen Generic Cruise Lines for this trip. You can tell by their “ship’s name scrawled on with a Sharpie” signature.

  50. Santa Royale With Cheese
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1):

    FW — Unfortunately, it’s a waste of time to take their photo since were-kittens don’t show up in pictures.

    Um, I think you meant vamp-kittens.

  51. Doctor Handsome
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    “Careful how you close that door! The general prefers it if you playfully bump it shut with your keister, possibly while cupping a breast and giggling.”

  52. Santa Royale With Cheese
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Wasn’t this ground covered on like, Sunday? Jeez, and I thought Mary Worth moved at a glacial pace. (Well, I mean, she does, but I meant the plot.)

    JP: Love how Sam is so full of himself that he’s willing to troll for compliments from swarthy men.

    S-M: “Blast! Why haven’t we discovered Getty Images?”

  53. Marc
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail- Maybe that old bighorn would come closer if you weren’t talking to yourself. That bighorn may or may not be old, but he’s not deaf.

    Mary Worth- Yep, she is a beaut. It’s a shame you won’t be able to get a closer look seeing as how the ship has already left port. They would have been on time, but halfway there, they needed to turn around and go back to the hotel because Wilbur forgot his travel size jar of mayonnaise.

    Funky- Somebody really needs to call the humane society on this guy.

    9CL- This is the most retarded conversation ever. Who tells somebody they “never picture them as appearing outdoors”?

    Luann- Momma Degroot has heavy facetime with Dirk every Tuesday morning when he comes to pick up the garbage.

    Cranky- Can’t speak for Jeff, but maybe Cranky wouldn’t be so hot if he didn’t go to walk around the fair in a long sleeved shirt and long black pants. Might help a little. Dumbass.

    A3G- What the hell just happened between yesterday and today?

  54. Santa Royale With Cheese
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    MT: (Not specific to today’s strip but had to share) I was trying to unhook a fish the other day and it kept thrashing around. Finally, I tried the Mark Trail method of communicating with wildlife, and said loudly, “why aren’t you letting me get this hook out? Can’t you see I’m trying to help you?” It didn’t listen. Comics lied!

  55. Santa Royale With Cheese
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    oops!

  56. Marc
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#44): I have an iphone but have never used facetime. I always thought that using facetime affected your minutes and plan as would any other phone call but you’re just using the video feature. I assumed it would play the same way as making an international call. Good to know.

  57. LP2004
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    @Santa Royale With Cheese (#55): Well, maybe that was the problem – you didn’t have the random bolding in the right places.

    It’s like a shared-key encryption system.

  58. Doctor Handsome
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Only now does Dagwood see the folly of signing away his constitutional rights in exchange for profit-sharing.

  59. pastordan
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    Serious question: how do you all read your comics online? I’ve been using mostly RSS to read GoComics subscriptions, which is…cumbersome. I’d be happy to hear there’s a better way.

    Meanwhile, if the ancient Mayan in Alley Oop had only learned his domestic abuse skills from a master like Ruthie in One Big Happy, he’d be a lot further along in his kidnapping project. And in Dick Tracy, Mumbles is getting used for target practice again. In fact, I think that’s his only purpose in the strip: comic relief and target practice. I’m hopeful that Clown9 will follow his lead.

  60. Sequitur
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#53):

    Cranky- Can’t speak for Jeff, but maybe Cranky wouldn’t be so hot if he didn’t go to walk around the fair in a long sleeved shirt and long black pants. Might help a little. Dumbass.

    You want to see more Crankshaft? Eww.

  61. Dennis Jimenez
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @RavenHawk (#34): Not Without My Dingy – staring Popeye (sigh)….

  62. pastordan
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    @Loki (#9): They’re at altitude. Mt. Kilimanjaro has snow on top and everything. Hemingway wrote one of his best-known short stories about it.

  63. Ned Ryerson
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Luann’s mother is an idiot. The gobsmacked look on her face is stupid. Quill is going home to Australia and she’s already referenced email communication, so for her to be terrified about the prospects of ongoing, long distance communication between her daughter and Aussie Blonde TJ is entirely unfounded and terribly unfunny. Next thing you know, Luann’s mom will be smashing holes in the drywall to find the Facetime wires that transmit the filthy cybertraffic between her daughter and Dirty Dingus McDingo.

  64. Doctor Handsome
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Gross, dude. I just realized that Research Labs Inc. is the company that makes my favorite salsa. I’m going to definitely eat less of it now.

  65. casino LF
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#49): The last name makes sense, since he basically looks like a grown-up, un-Simpsonized version of Milhouse Van Houten. Close enough.

    @Howard Erk (#22): OMG, seconded.

    JP: “I can smellllll lawyers” … cue Deliverance theme!

  66. Doctor Handsome
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    The sky wants to be your friend, Jeffy, he’s just shy. Why don’t you climb up on the roof and offer him a long metal pole? I bet he’d like that.

  67. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    TASM: Usage note, is “shutterbug” a term used in the newspaper industry? I doubt it. I’ve only encountered the word as referring to amateur enthusiasts, people “crazy” about photography, not paid professionals.

    // Cf. “firebug”, a person who enjoys burning stuff down as a hobby, whereas an “arsonist” might be a professional criminal doing the same thing for a fee.

  68. pugfuggly
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#64):

    Research Labs Inc. Salsa? Ewwww! That stuff’s made in NEW YORK CITY!

  69. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#64): Oh, try to avoid stereotyping. Research Laboratories, Inc., of Fort Wayne, Indiana, “is a full service petroleum fuel analysis facility specializing in the testing of distillate fuels.”

    Why they can’t make a fine salsa as well?

  70. Doctor Handsome
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    OK, the plan is working so far. His face is buried in the corn chip bag, and he’s loudly crunching away. Now all you’ve got to do is sneak up and put an axe through his skull, and the nightmare will finally be over. If you can just… work up… the nerve…

  71. kingklash
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Iris is stunned because that bottle is where she stshed some of her dad’s ashes.

    Doing the ol’ “Heavy Face” is how Luann’s parents met in the first place.

  72. gleeb
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#67): I think Robbie Robertson suspects Our Hero is Spiderman, and thus he calls him a bug.

  73. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Calvin – Mashup needed. Change Calvin’s dad to Frazz, and change the first balloon to say, “Hi, Future Calvin. It’s me, Calvin of the Past.” (Yes, this is inspired by the YouTube video of the guy conversing with his 12-year-old self.)

    G-G – Jon’s trying out for Mary Worth’s spot on the platitudes beat.

    love is… …before and after.

  74. Cloudbuster
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    RMMD: I’m annoyed by the ongoing assumption that some fraction of $25k is a lot of money to Iris. She runs a horse ranch. It hasn’t been described as a failing horse ranch. I, myself, run a small ranch and associate with much larger ones. Horse ranching involves a tremendous amount of cash flow. The remaining $17k gross will hardly be a blip. and there’s been no indication that Foster paid his income tax on the $25k. Factor in whatever other taxes might be involved, that $17k is quickly whittled down to a few thousand. I mean, nobody hates to get a few thousand bucks of windfall, but seriously, it’s not that big a deal. She probably blew that much last time her barn or arena needed re-roofing, or when she bought a promising stud or mare.

  75. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    Mark – Yeah, Sassy, sit still. Don’t run out there barking at the bighorn, causing Rusty to run after you, so that the bighorn falls over and pins him down while the incoming tide slowly rises above timber line. Because that would be too predictable, and Rusty’s all about SURPRISES.

    Mary believes she is on Candid Camera. But she’s not smiling.

    Momma – Ah! Here’s your problem: somebody left this strip set to “suck.”

  76. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    PartiallyRim shot! [*]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#y253): I’m not so sure that singing somebody’s name to the tune of a song by William Lava really qualifies as humor. It’s more like harassment, or low-level bullying. We were dipshits.

    Josh – Yes. Someone gave Marmaduke a bag of corn chips. They’re clearly labeled as “corny,” so I’m guessing they came from someone named Anderson.

  77. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @McManx (#26): I’m holding out for less catastrophic way to help Dawn snap out of her depression — all we need is a cargo bay, a Duesenberg and Leonardo DiCaprio.
    As for me, I want them to go Full Poseidon.

    I think Sam is about to get a hammer to the skull.
    Then they’ll have to download a new Driver.

    @Esther Blodgett (#48): Thanks! Your comment tipped me off that they had just put up the new S4th. (I’ll bet Ted’s constant references really Madden his family.)

    @pastordan (#59): I use the Darkgate Comics Slurper for most of the strips I read. A half dozen don’t appear there, or they don’t refresh, and I have individual links for them.

  78. cvk
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Perhaps all we need to do is connect Iris with the “Sobrexa” product from The Last Call product, advertised right here on Comics Curmudgeon. She could kick her drinking problem in eight weeks!

  79. Cloudbuster
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    9CL: Diane’s attempt to do a little “post-partum tightening up” has worked out well. Very, very well. She is clearly sacrificing to the same Old One as the Burber women. The Old One that feasts on the souls of Burber men. Amos will not be allowed to escape.

  80. Cloudbuster
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    GT: Steve is a hideous monster, now, hiding from the public. It’s all because of that “muscle juice” Coach Thorp gave him. He said it was like vitamins, that it would be good for him….

  81. Cloudbuster
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    A3G: Well, the answer to the question we were all asking is, “No, Bolle could not possibly depict a woman on her hands and knees.”

  82. Cloudbuster
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    JP: I love it when Sam is humiliated by huge, menacing men! I didn’t realize it until today, but it’s true! Bring on the Avery/Bea Sam/Bubba slashfic!

  83. Samuel PG
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    I’m a bit surprised that Dagwood’s office is even aware of the option of direct deposit. I’m less surprised that when Blondie mentions it, she calls it by its full name.

  84. Cloudbuster
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    MW: When has Mary’s life not been good?

  85. S. Stout
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#63):

    Stop giving Greg ideas!

  86. Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    “Did someone give Marmaduke a bag of corn chips?”

    No, someone gave Marmaduke a corn chips bag containing a human head.

  87. Cloudbuster
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Dilbert: Man, sometimes I wish I had a nemesis!

  88. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @Santa Royale With Cheese (#50): Um, I think you meant vamp-kittens.

    What I said.

    Nothing says a were-kitten in the Funkyverse has to play by the same rules as a were-kitten in another fictional universe.

  89. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Re: Luann

    Ah, so at least “Facetime” is a re-purposed word for video technology.

    They’ve been trying to inflict video phones on us for at least 40 years, and I’ve been encouraged so far by people’s refusal to accept it. People still don’t want to have to dress up and watch their facial expressions when they talk on the phone.

    My boss is ka-razy for video conferencing using the company IM software. A dozen of us sat in a meeting for 1/2 hour while he tried to set it up so that everyone’s face appeared in a circle around the border of the screen. Nothing like seeing a dozen bored people staring into that tiny camera on their monitor.

    Relax, M-DeG. Your precious daughter won’t be sexting anyone anytime soon. “But, what if my father suddenly changed our phone service! We wouldn’t be able to have phone sex the same way! That would be devastating!! Best we just ignore our urges and avoid any kind of long-distance relationship altogether!”

    Over-under on number of references to “Quill” we will ever see after this week? I’d love for Luann to try a Facetime session, and notice Tiffany’s picture hanging over Quill’s bed.

  90. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    FC: How about that? Always figured that when it started raining, Jeffy would stare up with his mouth open until he drowned.

    RMMD: Good call. Iris has a lot of writing supplies to buy. Popov, Bushmill’s, Jose Cuervo, you know the drill.

    MT: And maybe we’ll all be covered with frosting when the earth collides with a 500 square mile cupcake.

    MW: Oh my oh my oh my! Wilbur’s shirt is a thing of beauty. It’s like he was so fond of his shower curtain from forty years ago that he couldn’t part with it.

    Crankshaft: By the laws of probability, sooner or later Crankshaft’s dickwad behavior will do somebody some good. You may have to wait a long time, though.

    9CL: Gotta say this for Amos. I think most of us would have a deer/headlights reaction upon hearing an ex-nun talk about toning up her vagina.

    Baldo: Between today and yesterday Cruz is giving off a disturbing Oedipal vibe.

    JP: Counselor, I know how much it disgusts you to be touched by members of the lower caste. Still, I’d consider wiping that look off your face, since you’re dealing with a man who could wipe that face off your skull.

    GA: I’m pretty sure that puts Skeezix in “cheaper to buy a new one” territory, but I’m equally sure this will spin out into another moronic plotline.

    HtH: Well, you have to expect that since the divorce rate during the Middle Ages was about 50%. It was, right?

    DT: Apparently they all shot Mumbles below the waist just as Staton went all Frank Bolle on us.

    GT: Whatever Afterschool Special problem Noah is covering up, it isn’t made any less awkward by Gil asking “How’s your big, bulky brother?”

    DtM: Eh, he probably thinks it means leaping two feet in the air and yelling “Bungee!”

    Luann: Turns out Francis will be the perfect son once he gets felt up by Jughead Jones. Curiouser…

    S-M: “And if you know about the birds and the bees could you explain it to me? When I ask MJ she just laughs.”

    S4th: You know, I half-remember watching the Partridges, and I still have no idea what Reuben’s function was. Anyway, stick Jon behind a cheap second-hand synth.

    OBH: Willie Nelson looks a lot shorter in person, doesn’t he?

    A3G: This has been Nina Jackson with your moment of truth.

  91. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#79):

    Diane had to tighten up. Brooke only has one model for female characters under 65, so it was either get back the ballerina physique, or disappear forever.

  92. Sequitur
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#89):

    I’d love for Luann to try a Facetime session, and notice Tiffany’s picture hanging over Quill’s bed.

    It would be even more interesting to see a live Tiffany behind Quill.

  93. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#67):

    Cf. “firebug”, a person who enjoys burning stuff down as a hobby, whereas an “arsonist” might be a professional criminal doing the same thing for a fee.

    The market is so tight with so many arsonists hanging out a shingle that it’s really hard for a firebug to make the transition. Or so I’ve heard.

  94. selma
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    yesterday Josh said “keeps showing up in my online comics page:”
    Where do you read your comics online?

  95. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#49):

    (In other news, Amos’ last name is apparently Van Hosen which is the only thing that could make him even dorkier than he already is.)

    He’s actually Bart Simpson’s friend Milhouse van Houten, isn’t he? And Edda is one of the creepy purple-haired twins from Bart’s class.

  96. Calico
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Someone didn’t give Marm a bag of corn chips – he threatened the nice folks down at the Depanneur (Quick Mart) until they forked over a couple of bags of snacks.
    Now his owners will have to let him out at 2 AM, 3 AM, 4 AM …

  97. Mooncattie
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    MW – Life is better than you think, Mary. Just look at the second panel. This is costing Wilbur thousands!

  98. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:20 am [Reply]

  99. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @McManx (#26): Not to say that Dawn Weston is no Kate Winslet, but Dawn Weston is no Kate Winslet.

  100. Tekende
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Welp, today’s Luann has brutally murdered my will to continue living. I’m off to go find some strong pills or something.

  101. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#90): FC: Perfect! Just change the caption to “Mom! Dolly’s drowndin’ cuz she won’t stop lookin’ up!”

  102. Calico
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    JP – Haha, San got it for once!
    Introducing Bubba, the comic pages’ first token Melungeon. And a very big one at that.

  103. Dennis Jimenez
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#88): Cruella DeVille used-ta wear-kittens….

  104. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#72): Ooh! Layers of meaning, eh?

  105. Calico
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    *sam*
    Anyway, I’m loving his expression in panel 3.

    FC – When the mighty Krishna gets angry, he gets very very angry, Jeffy. You’ve been told.
    Snuf – ask Jughaid – even though his voice hasn’t cracked yet, he’s still a musical chap.
    H & L – what did they put in Ditto’s cone? Look at those eyes.
    Henry – Rusty makes a guest appearance.

  106. Dennis Jimenez
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#84): Great Shattering Swans, man – why since the death of her husband, Mary’s life hasn’t been worth jack….

  107. Sequitur
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#105):

    Snuf – ask Jughaid – even though his voice hasn’t cracked yet, he’s still a musical chap.

    I picture Jughaid having a voice like Froggy in the old Our Gang comedies.

  108. Calico
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#13):
    Happy 8th Anniversary Comics Curmudgeon! Congrats Josh!
    I haven’t gone to Kickstarter yet, but on this fine and mighty day I certainly shall.
    Vive le CC!

  109. Maurice Chesterfield
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Josh: Book Launch party at Montoni’s!!!

  110. Dennis Jimenez
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    @Maurice Chesterfield (#109): Or the Bum Boat!!!

  111. Calico
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Serious Post
    The last year for me has been pretty tough in several ways, with some pretty big helpings of stress and sadness. I’ve also had some very good times, but the stress has laid me pretty low at times.
    This blog has helped me cope and even heal. I’m getting some good holistic counseling and will have my first acupuncture treatment in a week, but the ability to laugh and to share that laughter with other like-minded folk is especially healing.
    So, um, thanks! : )

  112. Ned Ryerson
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    a3G: Nina’s baby is starting to lose patience:

    Sweet merciful crap, I’ve got to get the hell out of here and slap the living shit out of these three idiots. Two of these imbeciles are my parents, presumably, and one of them is serving in some official capacity to look out for my health and well being? You gotta be shitting me! I’m doomed. I’m coming the fuck out of here if I have to chew my way out, then I’m smacking some heads together, stooges style before I make my escape from these cabage heads who are likely to chain me to a radiator. Anybody who says life is brutal don’t know the half of it!”

  113. Hogenmogen
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    Comics that don’t make sense:

    Archie: Her butler? The one that’s not shown? The one who should be buttling around the house instead of accompanying the rich girl to run-down venues where they serve “FOOD” next to a set of vending machines? The rich girl who was too cheap to spring for a $.75 candy bar?

    Hagar: The parents were only going to stay together until the kids got married. They got married. The parents divorced. The kids divorced. So who is the “us” that the kids are moving back with? Never mind, there is no possible explanation that will make this piece of crap funny.

    A3G: Hands? Knees? And she says SCOTT says dumb things? Is she expecting to leave afterbirth all over the couch?

  114. Comrade Dread
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    I’m pretty sure that bag says “Carny chips” as in someone has brought a bag of dessicated and baked remnants of carnival workers to the archdemon Maramaduke as an offering.

  115. Red Greenback
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    “… because he’s eating corn chips out of a bag.”
    .
    .
    Honestly, Dottie, how many years have you been working in this comic? You should know by now that Marmaduke purchased the bag of corn chips using your credit card.

  116. Hogenmogen
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#92): Yeah, Tiff could be doing her famous City-first-name, Hotel-chain-last-name schtick in Australia. “Uh, no, it’s not Tiffany – she’s Sydney La Quinta!”

  117. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#93): “The market is so tight with so many arsonists hanging out a shingle that it’s really hard for a firebug to make the transition. Or so I’ve heard.”

    I was going to mention a quote I had heard attributed to Daniel Webster, when he was told as a young man that the lawyer’s profession was overcrowded, and that he should consider something else. “There is always room at the top,” he was said to have replied.

    Cute, huh? But then I thought, maybe too cute. Who would write down the remark of a yet undistinguished young man? Could be bogus. So I googled it, and sure enough, Mary Worth’s favorite source, brainyquotes.com was right at the top. “Always dubious,” should be their model. So I was compelled (compelled, I tell you!) to research further. It isn’t in my paper Bartlett’s, but amazingly, it is in the Oxford, 2nd Ed., though unsourced.

    Wikiquotes, which I like more and more, because they are careful to indicate precise sources when possible, does NOT list it, even as an unsourced quote.

    So, I think it’s bogus.

    // Anyway, best of luck to all you firebugs out there, you can make it!
    “Stay true to your dreams.” Eric Cartman, Weight Gain 4000, South Park, Season 1, Ep. 3, 1997.

  118. Elk Meadow
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations, Josh!

    Uncle Lumpy, will we be seeing a Prince Valiant banner this time around?

  119. Uncle Lumpy
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    Nancy DeGroot remembers her first love, Dick Tracy villain “Heavy Face”, with a potent mixture of longing, disgust, and terror.

  120. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#92):
    Re:It would be even more interesting to see a live Tiffany behind Quill.

    My first draft of the post had it be Tiffany there behind him. Wasn’t that what happened with Aaron – Luann went to Hawaii to see him, and learned that he had found a girlfriend there already?

    But Quill seems more the type to be openly contemptuous/dismissive of her in public, but then to go home at night and pleasure himself to her image. Hey, when your only acceptable love interest is The Girl Who Shall Not be Sullied, you do what you gotta do….

  121. Hogenmogen
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#115): The joke is that he’s a big dog. A BIG DOG! Hilarious! Not as funny as a lazy cat or an office worker who likes to over-eat. Also not as funny as a cat that likes to over-eat or a lazy offer worker. You have to be big and a dog to get the real laughs.

  122. UncleJeff
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    @UberMitch (#10): Distasteful? Naw, Mrs. DeGroot would get over it with a little Listerine.

  123. Uncle Lumpy
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#118):

    … will we be seeing a Prince Valiant banner this time around?

    Sure!

  124. Elk Meadow
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#113):

    A3G: ….Is she expecting to leave afterbirth all over the couch?

    My thoughts exactly. Her water should be bursting by now and flooding the place. Tommie hasn’t even looked to see how the dilatation is progressing. I think that Nina is having a false pregnancy, and that this is just a bunch of gas.

  125. Gringo
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    Loo-ann: Considering how revolting Mrs. DeGroot finds the notion of sexuality and sex, how did she and the hubby ever conceive their two brats?

  126. UncleJeff
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#33): “This water’s COLD!”
    “Yeah, and it’s DEEP, too!”
    (Richard Pryor, 1974)

  127. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#117): ““Always dubious,” should be their model.”

    Quite. And so it is. It should be their “motto” as well!

  128. btown
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#105):

    *sam*
    Anyway, I’m loving his expression in panel 3.

    Me too. It’s the zooted, nonplussed Robert Mitchum face

  129. Mincemeat
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    It just occurred to me this morning that the people who write Apartment 3-G actually seem to expect us to believe that Scott and Nina had sex at some point. I can imagine them looking at one of those 1950s “Your Marital Duties” books in uncomprehending horror, but not for one minute do I believe that these two could manage to get their various naughty bits into the proper configuration for baby-making. Too damn stupid, both of them.

    Meanwhile, Texas is about to get infinitely better, because Olive Oyl is buying it. I wish she’d buy Arizona; it’s pretty much pure loathesomeness down here these days.

  130. UncleJeff
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Love Is: dispensing beauty tips for Luann when she goes on a Skype date with Quill.

  131. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#113): It’s 7-Eleven’s 85th anniversary, so Veronica stopped by for her free Slurpee:

    http://www.freep.com/article/20120711/NEWS06/120711012/Free-Slurpee-to-celebrate-7-Eleven-s-85th-birthday

    We know she’s at a 7-Eleven because their name is on the counter (panel three).

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#13): Seriously, there are free Slurpees to be had, so why are you still sitting around here? And be sure to tell them Major Tom and Josh Fruhlinger sent you!

  132. bbofun
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    Luann- I hadn’t heard of the “Facetime” app before this, so I was very confused. I’ve always heard “facetime” used to mean the opposite of meeting over the phone, or communicating through email (or regular mail mail)- time spent “face to face”, in person. Guess we’ll have to come up with another neologism for that, now.

    9CL- So, are we now using “deer in the headlights” as a hunting term? Because that’s disturbing.

  133. Liam
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke-Those aren’t corn chips in that bag. Those are the bones of Marmaduke’s many victims.

    FC-Even the sky disapproves of Jeffy’s existence.

    Luann-Luann plans on giving Quill plenty of face time. By which I mean he is going to see a lot of her pussy when he is Skyping.

    Love Is-Making sure you look your best for cybersex.

  134. seismic-2
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: $3K for a funeral? Is that the cremated in a coffee can “Steve Buscemi special #1″, or the stuffed into a wood chipper “Steve Buscemi special #2″, or the stuffed into a bag of corn chips and fed to Marmaduke “Phil Hitler special #3″? Oh wait, I forgot – it’s the Rex Morgan medical malpractice mass quantity group-rate funeral discount. A whole sector of the cemetery is filled up with patrons who’ve taken advantage of it.

  135. bbofun
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#93): That sounds like an old Fred Allen line.

    Yeah, I know. I’m old. But it’s intended as a complement.

  136. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @Mincemeat (#129):

    “According to the manual, I need to put my thing-dingle into your hoo-hah, and then move it back and forth?”

    “No books! Those are their rules, not ours! Now you roller-skate around the room while I sit on the fainting couch and visualize a baby!”

    So, yes, it is just gas at this point.

    I can just see the author/artist dispute for this week’s strips.

    “So, Nina is going to get on all fours as part of a procedure to get the baby turned around!”

    “I told you! I will only draw her sitting up on the floor, where only her head is visible!”

    “But, how will we show the procedure?”

    “We won’t. Have Tommie describe it on Tuesday, then on Wednesday Nina will still be in the exact same, ridiculous position, and will comment on how she is taking a break from performing the maneuver.”

  137. seismic-2
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#131): Does 7-Eleven have a “real” anniversary, or did they just decide to observe it on 7/11?

  138. Marc
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#60): Oh crap, I was thinking about practicality and didn’t even realize what it would bring about. Now I can’t get the image of a be-shorted Cranky out of my mind. I immediately retract my previous statement and need to go pick up a gallon of brain bleach.

  139. Mark B.
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    Once again, God is angry with Jeffy. Perhaps there is no worse punishment than being stuck with that crowd or round-headed mutants, but we will see.

  140. Marc
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#59): For whatever I can’t read in my local paper, I use chron.com.

  141. Red Greenback
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#116): Bondi Radisson?

  142. Charly
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke‘s she-owner really must be married to a minor Nazi officer. In addition to his pencil mustache, we have the incontrovertible evidence of Folks magazine, which can only be a calque from the German.

  143. Charly
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    I feel like my CTRL-F for “Wilbur” is now a dark part of the history of the Salt Lake County library system.

  144. Joe Btfsplk
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    Yes, it looks like someone gave Marmaduke a bag of corn chips. And by that, what we mean is, you probably should go and count the children again.

  145. Calico
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#117):
    “I’m so buff I can’t even fit thought this door … enh enh”

  146. Marc
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    Archie-
    -”Hey butler, stop butling yourself”
    -”Would that I could, sir”

  147. Government Cheese
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    MW: As the SS Austin Powers docks, the theme music plays loudly at port. This would explain Wilbur’s “International Man of Mystery” shirt.

    Luann: I think Mrs. DeGroot just had some old psychological wound opened based on the look on her face. Ahhh facetime, ahhhh….

  148. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    I just looked at Josh’s link for July 11, 2004.

    How come Obvious Man (who we’re told hates acronym abuse) has never gone after “Jeb” Bush? I mean, the man’s full name is JOHN ELLIS BUSH, so calling him “Jeb” Bush is the same as calling him “John Ellis Bush Bush”!

    (I’m not really taking a jab at “Jeb,” who used to be governor of my state. But why are so many candidates and office holders reluctant to have people use their LEGAL names?)

  149. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#125): mail order. Or in Brad’s case, K-Mart (almost as good, at half the price!)

  150. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#137): Beats me, but the Slurpees are still free!

  151. Poteet
    July 11th, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    9CL — We can see that Diane read the memo. Brooke’s women are not allowed to let themselves go in any way for any reason until they are at least seventy-five. Brooke is as realistic about women as Batiuk is about kittens.

  152. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#148): I will always vote for a Bill or a Jimmy over a William or a James. Makes me feel better when they screw up royally.

  153. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#148): Ya know, I never considered that “Jeb” might be a nickname. I just assumed that Babs might have had a sense of humor when that kid was born.

  154. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    Josh — You’ve almost met your “stretch” goal. I guess it is time to start planning what NASA calls the “extended mission”.

  155. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    too late for good snark, and no squee today, as I did my squee spree in person today. It was Zoo Days, so the QG and I spent a couple hours at the local zoo. Many hot, uncomfortable, hidden animals, but the Red Panda and the otters were out and about and being all kewt. :-D

  156. Poteet
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    RMMD — For that price, I’m thinking maybe Foster is going to be donated to a body farm, if he hasn’t already been embalmed and therefore disqualified.

  157. Poteet
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    RMMD — This is another reminder that characters in comic strips who are would-be authors never seem to have to use Kickstarter or paper their bathrooms with rejection slips. They just doodle out manuscripts and bam, success! You’d think that some cartoonists have secret aspirations to write novels or movies or something.

  158. SurrealKangaroo
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    Uh, oh. Looks like Blondie is going to have to start stripping to make ends meet.

  159. Hibbleton
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Marm: Much more funny if he’s eating lasagna.

    BB: Poor Halftrack: undersexed and overstimulated.

  160. seismic-2
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    Luann: I think it helps explain a lot about Brad DeGroot to think that he owes his existence to Nancy’s heavy face time when she went roadside on that solo car date.

  161. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    Love Is . . .$5.99 a minute.

  162. pastordan
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#140): Thanks! I’d like to subscribe to whatever the King Feature site is, but I gotta get a new salary first…

  163. Mincemeat
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#136): Well, since they’ve never given us a drawing of Nina that would confirm pregnancy (that I can recall; billowy garments don’t count), I’m thinking it’s either gas or roundworms. Or maybe it’s PMS, and she does this every single month and then forgets about it. Since Scott and Tommie are both utter maroons, this seems perfectly plausible to me.

  164. commodorejohn
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    A3G – I think I’m going to have coughed a lung up laughing by the time this is over, but oh my God is it totally worth it. (Oh, and, uh…about that position? Did Bolle withstand Shulock’s final, desperate attempt, and waist is waist and breast is breast and never the twain shall meet?)

    A.D. – “Or at least, that’s what we say in our oral traditions of the Long-Ago, before the Apocalypse. What’s a ‘Greece,’ anyway?”

    DT – So, one stab from an old man and Liz goes down, but the worst Mumbles takes from three goddamn bullets is, evidently, a severe headache? I call foul. (Anyway, how exactly does it hold up, legally, for a pair of private investigators to go around contributing to a police firefight?)

    HN – Okay, I’m seriously liking the way this strip is developing. (Moby, hee hee!)

    JP – Man, could this whole storyline consist of standoffish backwoods rubes making fun of Sam?

    Lola – Lola is, I think, an underappreciated comic strip. It’s not one of the greats, but in its own way it’s pretty clever at times.

    Luann – Okay, older ‘Mudges, enlighten me: did “heavy face time,” at any point in the past, actually serve as a euphemism for macking? ‘Cause what Google is providing is a page full of links about “heavy face time with the President” (not Clinton) and one to this very CC post. Could it be that Greg, Mr. “I haven’t been giving a shit for a long time,” is making things up in order to sound dirty without getting in trouble for it? NAH. COULDN’T BE.

    Mandrake – I think you have a different definition of “good,” mister.

    MW – Okay, now where’s the other half of the boat?

    RMMD – Iris is mesmerized by the way he rams that corkscrew into the soft, yielding cork of the bottle. Steady, girl, June can tell you that that’s as far as anything ever gets around the Morgan household, except on rare alignments of the planets.

    SM – I…uh…but…um…the fuck?

  165. UncleJeff
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#152): In the very near future, we will have a President Bubba (and I don’t mean Clinton II).

    Re-election campaign slogan: “What the hell didya expect??? YOU voted in President Bubba!

  166. wossname
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#162): Just use Darkgate Comics Slurper, as [Old Man] Muffaroo (#77) suggested. For the few favorites that it doesn’t carry, I use the Seattle PI site (which has very annoying ads, but has some puzzles that I like).

  167. wossname
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#164): I am really really old (65) and I don’t remember “heavy facetime” ever meaning anything sexual. To me, it means what bbofun (#132) said – personal, face to face conversation, as opposed to talking on the phone or sending e-mail (or memos, or letters, if you want to go back into ancient history). I think your theory about Evans has great merit.

  168. Lynn
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    Is it just my imagination, but since Josh announced his intention to write a novel, doesn’t it seem like a lot of strips (Peanuts, Get Fuzzy, etc) have ‘write a book’ themes?
    Lynn, HUW (Highly Unsuccessful Writer), recipient of 62 rejections slips and counting…

  169. Santa Royale With Cheese
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#164):

    Lola – Lola is, I think, an underappreciated comic strip. It’s not one of the greats, but in its own way it’s pretty clever at times.

    Hear, hear!

  170. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#145): My favorite Daniel Webster quote is also unsourced, although it is in Bartlett:

    I still live.
    Last words, Oct. 24th , 1852.

    And then, of course, he didn’t. He may actually have said that any number of times that last day.

    “How are you doing, Senator?”
    “I still live.”
    “How about now?”
    “I still live.”
    “You still with us, Sir?”
    “Oh, shut up! Wait! Don’t write that down, those would be terrible last words. — I still live.”

    That is nearly as good as the Amelia Earhart quote Mary Worth (following brainlessquote.com as usual) misattributed to Aesop, “Adventure is worthwhile, in itself.” And then she died.

  171. Poteet
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @Lynn (#168): See #157 above. I think it has always been a popular fantasy theme, but may be picking up speed.

  172. terrapin
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    M’duke: Like Marmaduke needs someone to give him stuff and doesn’t just take what he wants.

    A3G: When the baby is born will we only see it from the shoulders up?

    MT: Rusty, that lens looks like maybe a 50mm or even a 35mm, so no matter how close you get to the ledge that old sheep is still going to look like a grain of sand so…no, wait. Creep a little closer to the ledge. Closer…this is our, I mean YOUR chance. Closer…closer…

  173. Santa Royale With Cheese
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#148):

    (I’m not really taking a jab at “Jeb,” who used to be governor of my state. But why are so many candidates and office holders reluctant to have people use their LEGAL names?)

    I guess because they want to come off as folksy?

    My peeve is when candidates have a “nickname” in “quotes” on the “ballot” that has absolutely nothing to do with their given name. Like M. Howard Franklin “Bus” Smith. I guess this fictional candidate couldn’t legally run as “Bus Smith” but sheesh.

  174. terrapin
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#164): Re-Luann: “Sucking face” is the closest one I could think of and I think that was only used in movies.

  175. seismic-2
    July 11th, 2012 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#170): The very best Famous Last Words® are those of Oscar Wilde, who died in a really seedy hotel room in Paris: “Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.”

  176. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    @Mary Worthless (#12):
    As long as the wheels Wilbur’s wheelchair are made of giant rounds of cheese, I’d accept that plot twist.

    Bonus points if the arms on the chair are made of some sort of salami or some such elongated meat tube. things. that Wilbur can rest his sandwich tossing arms on when not eating sandwiches.

  177. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#170): Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter of Mars had “I still live” as a catchphrase. I had no idea ERB borrowed it from Daniel Webster.

  178. Calico
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#156):
    Maybe Foster will become part of that horrible Bodies Display that has been going around to various museums as of late.
    My gf went to see it when it was in QC (I really didn’t want to attend) and she said it made her feel pretty uncomfortable.

  179. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#177): Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter of Mars had “I still live” as a catchphrase…

    I suppose they had to change it after that movie.

  180. Nehemiah Scudder
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#178): It would be a good fit, as he was, by all accounts, already pickled.

    // The show IS horrible, in a fascinating way.

  181. Calico
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @terrapin (#172):
    Closer Les …
    Closer Rusty …

  182. Calico
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#180):
    I’ve heard and read that almost every student of anatomy has dreams about their “person” becoming alive again, jumping up, etc., even though the heads are for the most part covered. Sounds pretty normal to me.

  183. sully
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    “Face Time” is what they called the money shot back in Luann’s mom’s brief “Blue Movie” acting career.

  184. Dr. Moreau
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    “Heavy Face Time” is a rare but debilitating disease that balloons the eyes, nose and lips to a comically grotesque degree, leaving the victim with a single facial expression that conveys perpetual confusion and the sense of a collagen injection gone terribly awry. Given that this condition left her unsuitable to marry anyone other than Mr. DeGroot, it’s understandable that Nancy would wish a better fate for her daughter.

  185. kkarenb
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    RMMD – Iris looks like she is about to faint. Quick, get the smelling salts!

    And Rex is shown slowly opening a bottle of wine around Iris, who he knows has a problem with alcohol. Could he possibly get any more dickish?

    A3G – Frank Bolle has now won the permanent “Not Even Trying” lifetime achievement award.

  186. Zerowolf
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Loki (#9):

    Two words why: Skin Cancer!

  187. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#132):

    See, that’s where the mom’s reaction doesn’t make sense. She knows this kid is going to Australia and her daughter isn’t. So, when her daughter utters what is to her ears Gobbledygook, why would she react as if the kid (LuAnn, right?) was going to engage in the most intimate of activities?*

    There’s an ocean between them.

    It is just lame.

    *or is she thinking that “heavy face time” involves collagen injections?

    //ha! i crack myself up.

  188. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#148):

    Hm.
    That’s a good question.

    I’ve always wondered if Georgia’s Saxby Chamliss’ real name is Saxamaphone Chablis.

    If true, what an idiot.

  189. commodorejohn
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#182): Ooh. Reminds me of this animation from an old edutainment title called 3D Dinosaur Adventure, which was officially the Coolest Thing In The World when I was in my single-digit years.

    Oh, who am I kidding, it still is. More proof.

  190. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#188):
    gah!

    chamBliss.

    (not that accuracy matters for a joke…..)

  191. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    @terrapin (#174):

    Well, you’ve never known a face sucker then.

    //neither have I but you know they exist. If toe suckers can exist, surely, everything is up for grabs (and sucks)

  192. Snarkotix Addict
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    MW “If life was always good, what lessons could we learn?”
    Yikes! Mary is slipping. This gig as Dear Wendy is wearing her down. What’s next, “Life is brutal”? Or worse, “Que sera, sera”?

    When I was just so down and out,
    I asked Dear Wendy, “What should I do?
    My life is brutal – Why am I blue?”
    Here’s what she said to me:

    “Hey, who gives a $#!+,
    Your life’s a hopeless pit.
    You’d better get used to it.
    Brutal’s what you get.
    No one gives a $#!+.”

  193. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#148):

    Arrested Development.

    GOB. (pronounce JOBE)

    does the musical note below show up for people?

    ?

  194. Liam
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    MW-Like Wilbur will be tested. He will be torn between his love for his daughter and his urge to throw her overboard.

    A3G-Wake me when the baby is so bored of this dialogue that it will claw it’s way out of Nina’s body.

    MT-Mark will use your pictures Rusty if there wasn’t some accident in the dark room ruining the pictures.

  195. Snarkotix Addict
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#188): Saxamaphone Chablis

    That’s his drag name.

  196. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#193):

    Noooooooooooooo! note.

    It showed up in previews but not it is gone.

    teeth gnashing
    this is truly the day the music died!

  197. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#195):

    good one.

    all I can say is he’s probably always horny

  198. Liam
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    JP-I lost my sense of smell during a Bob Hope show in ‘Nam.

  199. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    Luann – “Heavy Face Time” involves the attachment of weights to the nose, in an attempt to pull it down to a more appealing angle, thus both remediating the DeGroots’ hereditary piggy nose condition, and allowing the subject to eventually go outside in the rain without risk of drowning.

  200. Liam
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke-If you mean forcibly taking a bag of corn chips from someone is giving then yes someone give him a bag of corn chips.

  201. Calico
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#189):
    Those are pretty awesome! The early years of “real” 3-D.
    Mmmmmmm, eggs! : )

  202. Calico
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    If Dingo were back on this plane I’ll bet he could do an awesome Foster in 3-D.
    :`)

  203. Uncle Lumpy
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#196):

    ♪ = ♪

    I still live!

  204. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#111): I’m glad our needling has done someone some good!

  205. Liam
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Six Chix-And that is how Ziggy was born.

  206. Hogenmogen
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    If you snigger at Ziggy, is it a Zigger or a sniggy? We really have to set standards around here.

  207. Hogenmogen
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    MW: If life was always good, what lessons would we learn?

    Toeby: I suppose if I wasn’t defending myself against all the pain and misery of life, I could have learned differential calculus.

    Mary: Why do you need that?

    Toeby: I don’t know, I never had the time to learn what it is.

  208. Droopy Says
    July 11th, 2012 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    A3G: When will they bring out the birthing chair?

    Mark Trail: The tragedy of Rusty’s life will come at the end of this misadventure, when Trail finally lectures him on photography: “You were using a box camera with a plastic lens and a twelve-frame 120 roll of ASA 100 film. Real wildlife photography involves a besic 35 mm SLR camera mounted on a tripod, a telephoto lens, a focal-plane shutter, a lens filter, an exposure meter and a brain. Or at least one of those newfangled CCD cameras. All you were going to get with your camera was a tiny image of a distant animal that when enlarged would turn blurry from film grain, long exposure time and camera motion.” In other words, Mark Trail will as usual show about the same parenting skills Dr. Frankenstein showed the Creature.

    Luann: Quill will fade from Luann’s memory, such as it is, to become one with her plans for Julliard. But soon she will be facetimed by a string of young Australian interwebnetters, their heads filled with Quill’s boasts about his passionate encounters with the insanely-oversexed California beach hottie.

  209. StrangeRover
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    It’s nice to see Joe Mathlete’s “Marmaduke Explained” concept revived.
    I actually find it a lot more fun than the “Marmaduke is a hell-hound” meme.

  210. Chaze126
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#6):
    Nope. Dawn drowns and Wilbur escapes in a lifeboat to a more carefree existence.

  211. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#206):

    hmmm…

    You pose an interesting question.

    Give me a moment to ponder it. Now excuse me while I put on my Ziggyologist’s Hat.

  212. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#206):

    *gasp! gasp!*

    oh.my.god!

    I put in on and it covered my whole head! I couldn’t see a thing!

    Not cool!
    To think the Slylock Fox Junior Detective Club had a firesale for firebugs where you could get one of those domed shaped hats. It was in the back of the newsletter with a drawing of how it looked and in the drawing it looked comfy and stylish.

    But, no. It is like a pup tent for the head!

    whhhhhhhhhhy!?!

  213. Chaze126
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    So what is Quill short for? Quilliam? Quillance? Quillford?

  214. Lynn
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    “Nope. Dawn drowns and Wilbur escapes in a lifeboat to a more carefree existence.” He floats away to the Isle of Sandwich.

  215. Lynn
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    Isle of Sandwich. Much better than floating to the Islets of Langerhans.

  216. Alter Ego
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    love is… Imagining what you’ll look like after your sex change.*

    (*@[Old Man] Muffaroo (#73) — Is that what you had in mind, too?)

  217. Hogenmogen
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    Mrs. DeGroot: When I was a teen, ‘heavy face time’ meant… .you know… kissing.

    Luann: Don’t worry mom, I never kiss. We go straight to the anal… no, wait, don’t freak, it’s uh… a new wireless service… yeah, that’s it. All the same, don’t go asking your coworkers about it. They’ll just be jealous. Yeah, jealous. That’s it.

  218. Mellow Harsher
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    Josh, isn’t it copyright infringement to use images from the comics in the banner promoting your novel-in-progress?

  219. Droopy Says
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze126 (#213): “Quill” as in “shaft of a feather.” Because he’s an intellectual featherweight, as shown by his interest in Luann.

  220. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#188): Reinhold Reince Priebus, who’s of German and Greek descent, has one of the least plebeian names in American politics.

  221. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @Lynn (#214):

    Now see, this sounds better than some of the other disaster scenarios.

    I hope that when he arrives at this island he finds a fellow traveller, by the name of Count Mountainman Crisco, who introduces him to a sandwich that Wilbur may like.

    //on second thought, if there is a disaster, it would be just as entertaining if Wilbur somehow saved everyone and prevented the ship from sinking with his awesome sandwich making skills. That’s too stupid and too McGyver-esque to ever happen. But, to have a strip a day where Wilbur is ordering everyone around, including the Captain, would allow for something funny.

    “First, Give me a Jar of pickels!”
    “How Will that save us, advice columnist?”
    “The pickles won’t but the jar will. But, first, I need to eat the pickles.”

    ***hoooh boiy.**** I guess this all leads right back to a gay Gilligan adventure is in Wilbur’s future. All roads seem to go there….

  222. Señor Tortilla
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Yes, do tell us of your past sex life, Mrs. DeGroot. (actually, no, DO NOT go into details)

    A3G: I can’t say anything more that’s already been said on this page.

    MT: Rusty does look tolerable after extensive facial surgery and dentist work. Way to go, kid!

    MW: All right, “being tested”, giant cruise ship…I like where this is going.

    Popeye: The million-dollar question, would Rick Perry sell Texas?

  223. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#220):

    His name sounds like it is paving the way for a future politician whose
    real name is Wasch Reince Repete.

    (seriously though, the rnc head’s name is colorful. and it says a lot that he kept it.)

    //now that I think of it, I believe I once met someone named Wick. Or Whit. Or maybe it was Wft (before that was cool).

  224. Señor Tortilla
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#59): I used to use Chron.com before they needlessly changed it, now I use Darkgate

  225. Lynn
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    Wilbur, a shipwreck, and a situation like that soccer team whose plane crashed in the Andes sounds like a good story arc. Just add mayo.

  226. Lynn
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    Even better: Les and Summer are on the cruise on their way back from Kilimanjaro. Les would be eaten last, because, well, even Wilbur has his standards.

    I was in a pretty low mood today but this is cheering me up.

  227. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#203):

    ♪ = ?
    Thanks.
    I won’t remember your crazy jazz writing, mind you.

    Seriously though, for unicode characters, that is the identifier. I get that, I think. But what is put in the brackets? <code <type <unicode ?????/

    (criminy, I just previewed it and it has note = note…..so no brackets are needed, just the AMPERSAND, POUND plus the unicode number?)

  228. Marc
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#224): I’ve started to notice that every once in a while, Chron will just not allow you to click on about half the comics on their list.

  229. Shrug
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#24):

    “Cherry: I have not left this cabin in 12 years!”

    To be fair, Cherry *did* leave the cabin a year or two ago, during the epic “they’re smuggling stuff in via a fishing camp” story — the one that sequed into the “Mark is shot in the head and drifts in an open boat down to Puerto Doesnotexisto Island and meets Senora Momjeans and then recovers quickly and doesn’t even need a bandage” one. So Cherry OUGHT to be saying:

    “I have not left this cabin in 12 years, except to run off and confront Kelly Welly when I thought she was having an affair with Mark, just before Mark got shot in the head! Good times!”

  230. Shrug
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @McManx (#26):

    “Mary Worth — Oh, I know what every one is thinking — Italian cruise ship… incompetent captain… capsizing on a reef… ”

    Actually, what I was thinking was: Do Somali pirates ever come out as far as Italy? Probably not, but we maybe could start a Kickstarter project to fund the gas for them to do so. I see a “Ransom of Red Chief” trope here, in which the pirates promise to mend their ways if only we, the Western World, will take Wilbur and Dawn back.

  231. Shrug
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    DICK TRACY: “I guess we overdid it. He was saying ‘dwonnshoodme” but by the time I’d hauled out my iPad, entered it in to the Bing Translator program, and clicked on ‘Mumbles to English translation’ and found out what he meant, we’d already emptied our guns into him. “

  232. Liam
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    @Mellow Harsher (#218):

    He is probably using artwork from comics written by people who don’t even use the Internet.

  233. Liam
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    MT-Fine Rusty is talking pictures of big horns that are in the area but doesn’t he know about the big breasted boobies that are in the area as well.

  234. Horace Broon
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#125):
    The DeGroots firmly believe, and have two kids as evidence of the fact, that it’s perfectly possible to have a family without icky sex. The alternative position is <a href="a disgusting rumour put about by trendy young people in the sixties.

  235. Shrug
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#116):

    I think I’d go with her as “Queanbeyan La Quinta,” if only for the alliteration.

  236. Frank Lee Meidere
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    @selma (#94): Darkgate for many of us. Select the comics you want from the long list on the left, then bookmark the page. When you go back the next day, the comics are updated. Or — most of them are. Some of them stay the same and then you have to click on the archives link to see what’s going on with the latest.

    Good selection.

  237. Shrug
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#134):

    “RMMD: $3K for a funeral? Is that the cremated in a coffee can “Steve Buscemi special. . .”

    If I recall correctly, my cremation plan is less than half that if paid in advance. Not that I’ve gotten around to doing it, you understand…

    And besides, coffee cans are getting hard to find these days; too many people buying coffee in artisinal small earth-friendly packaging. I think my ashes may wind up in a shade-grown fair-trade compostible light cardboard package, which is fine with me, just as long as it isn’t Decaf. Have to draw the line somewhere.

  238. Horace Broon
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#117):

    But he definitely said “If two New Hampshire men aren’t a match for the Devil, we’d better give this country back to the Indians”, right?

  239. Frank Lee Meidere
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#126): Off topic (well, what isn’t, really?), but the first time I heard Richard Pryor was a routine he did back around 1969 or thereabouts. Part of involved him as a kid living with his mother, and someone visits. There’s a knock on the door, and the mother says, “That’s peculiar, ’cause we ain’t got no door.” Pryor continues by saying, “So I walked over to this big hole in the wall.”

    Problem is, I can’t find any reference to this routine anywhere, and if it weren’t for the fact that it was a running gag at my house when I was a teen, I’d swear I had hallucinated it.

    So my question: Is anyone here familiar with that routine? It really did exist, right?

  240. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    July 11th, 2012 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    @Alter Ego (#216): Yes! I was starting to think I was too subtle.

    @tallyHO (#223): I have a cousin called Wick. His middle name is Wickliff, or some version of it. Apparently, it’s only his family that calls him that, though.

  241. Frank Lee Meidere
    July 11th, 2012 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#170): Earhart, whom many pilots said tended not to prepare properly for her flights, also said, “The most effective way to do it, is to do it.”

    Then she died.

  242. Peanut Gallery
    July 11th, 2012 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#116): He’s listed on the ballot as J. Quillington “Quill” Fosworth III.

    @Mellow Harsher (#218): Somewhere on my shelves I have a book containing a picture of a Smurf with the caption, “This picture of a Smurf is an example of blatant copyright infringement.”

  243. Peanut Gallery
    July 11th, 2012 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    Aw, nuts. I meant my first comment above to be in reply to @Chaze126 (#213).

  244. Peanut Gallery
    July 11th, 2012 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#243): And when I say “Aw, nuts”, I of course mean “Ah, me.”

  245. Poteet
    July 11th, 2012 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#178): I’ve heard that some people really love, love, love that body exhibit. So it keeps going from place to place, whereas the truly wonderful traveling exhibit on spiders that I saw years ago is probably defunct. Life is brutal.

  246. SideshowJon
    July 11th, 2012 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    Not to be a buzzkill, but is there a joke in Marmaduke? Is the punchline that chips are crunchy?

  247. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    July 11th, 2012 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#25): Huh. I wonder why they’d plan on using two different video chat services then. You’d think one would be sufficient.

  248. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    July 11th, 2012 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#32): Ah, that makes more sense.

  249. UncleJeff
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:03 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#220): I always thought the name “Orson Swindle” was the best political name.
    Well, good for a consultant if not a candidate.

  250. demoncat
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    luanns mother now feels really old if her husband has to explain what skyping is instead of what she thought it was. and odds are those are not cornchips in that bag but maramdukes lastest vicitms. Mw. seems mary has finaly met her match giving advice she has to do it as a job. as the high seas will either snap dawn out of her funk or wilber will finaly say enough and send her over board or drop her off at the first port and leave her for good

  251. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Tommie, you pinhead, how exactly is Nina supposed to “take a break”? It’s not like labor is a voluntary activity that you can just start and stop at whim. And, Scott? Ditto to you with your stupid “relax” comments; if Nina grabbed your nuts and squeezed with each contraction, I’d be completely on her side.

  252. Bookworm
    July 11th, 2012 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

  253. Ned Ryerson
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @Bookworm (#252): Wow! Jeff, you’ve always seemed like a good dude, but I think I may have underestimated your dudeness.

  254. Liam
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Why is Nina sitting in that chair? I thought she was supposed to be on her hands and knees.

    FW-That kitten is in trouble. Les hates it when he is not the center of attention and that kitten will be the center of attention.

  255. Anonymous
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    So, I’m confused about the joke in Luann. Ordinarily, comic-parents hear something that sounds dirty, then hilariously misinterpret it while their children explain that it’s something perfectly innocent, OR something is deliberately dirty and it’s carefully wallpapered with funny-page innuendo.

    However, considering Luann’s “heavy face time” involves Quill, aka the man Luann was going to go down under, and Skype, aka “long distance video chat”, what we come up with is Luann’s mom having a completely appropriate reaction because Luann announced that she is going to have video phone sex with the nice boy from the next continent over, and her covert euphemism calls to mind “heavy petting”.

  256. Ned Ryerson
    July 11th, 2012 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#254): Nina’s knees fell off and rolled under the chesterfield. It’s back to the panting chair. It’s just a fart anyway.

  257. FOOBed again
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#148): Back in the day they all used their legal first names (not nicknames on the ballot. John (not Jack) Kennedy, Richard (not Dick) Nixon, Gerald (not Jerry) Ford. I think Jimmy Carter was the first presidential candidate to be on the ballot under his nickname. (I could be wrong though! I haven’t actually done a study of this!) I seem to remember Bob Dole ran as “Robert” when he ran as the vice presidential candidate with Ford in 1976, but when he ran in the 80′s 90′s he was “Bob”.

    I thought it was modernization and things in general becoming less formal, but I could be wrong.

  258. Poteet
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#251): What a great idea! Moy, Giella, are you listening?

  259. FOOBed again
    July 11th, 2012 at 10:57 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#148): Also I never realized that was what “Jeb” stood for. I thought it was short for something like Jebediah (is that a name)?

  260. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#254): It’s a were-kitten, so Les is the one who better watch his step.

    @Ned Ryerson (#256): Before she got knocked up, Nina always rolled her own. However, like “Double Oh Seven” James Bond, she considers Chesterfield to be the only American brand worth smoking.

  261. Sgt. Stoned
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:07 pm [Reply]

    Blondie: Maybe Dag’s normal paycheck is $31.10.

    MW: I am certain that Wibur and Dawn will enjoy Norman Drabble’s and Wendy’s performances in an on-board dinner-theatre murder mystery!

  262. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

    @FOOBed again (#259): “Jebediah” is a boy’s name. It’s also the name of an Australian alternative rock band.

  263. seismic-2
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    @FOOBed again (#259): In many cases “Jeb” isn’t short for anything. It is a whole name, created from the initials of Confederate General J.E.B. Stuart, who was known to his friends as “Jeb”.

  264. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#261): If there’s any justice in the world, Wilbur will slip on Norman Drabble’s vomit (Norman’s seasick, you know) and break his neck.

  265. tallyHO
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#251):
    As much as it would result in hilarious drawings, please don’t squeeze Prince Charming.

    He’d fall out of the panel and we wouldn’t see him again until he recuperated.

    Which brings up one of the most delightful aspects of these soap opera strips, characters can go for for weeks without making an appearance.*

    So, if Nina gave him The Pain Squeeze, Scott would yell:
    “Aaaaargh! My babymakers!”
    PLOP! THUNK!

    We wouldn’t see him until after the birth. And, god knows how many months that is going to take to finish up.

    * It is the Apartment of Three Girls, right? What are the other two doing? Stuck in the same poses they were in when last drawn?

  266. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#263): Hey, it’s the ghost guy from the Haunted Tank:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Haunted_Tank

  267. Mr. O'Malley
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#96): We went to the dépanneur today and ended up coming home with dill pickle flavoured popcorn. But we didn’t have a dog handy to test out whether dogs would like it.

  268. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#261):

    Re: “Maybe Dag’s normal paycheck is $31.10.”

    Well, to be fair, that was a pretty good salary when he first took the job back in 1933. Unfortunately, as the strip has exhaustively documented, every time he has asked for a raise over the intervening 79 years, Mr. Dithers has turned him down in humiliating fashion.

  269. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#267): Was the dépanneur a 7-Eleven? And did you get your free Slurpee?

  270. Nina's Baby
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    I’m taking the back door out of here!

  271. Poteet
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    @FOOBed again (#259): Come and listen to a story ’bout a man named Jeb,
    Poor mountaineer barely kept his family feb…

  272. Beetle Bumstead
    July 11th, 2012 at 11:57 pm [Reply]

    When I was at Cornell in the early ’80s, Facetime meant showing up at Ruloffs, drinking as many free PBRs as I could, and passing out face-down in the sauce of the lower basement. No wonder the shock.

  273. Mr. O'Malley
    July 12th, 2012 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#269): The dépanneur was a Couche-Tard and there wasn’t anything free there that I could see.

  274. Droopy Says
    July 12th, 2012 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    A3G: Okay, Ninny, we’ll leave you to your own devices. The salad tongs and catcher’s mitt are on the coffee table. Ta!

    Creepy Les: The proper expression is “Poke! Poke!” spoken sharply to the spearcarrier behind Les.

    Mock Trail: So now the skies open up and speak? Is this divine intervention, or just another lazy, boring day in heaven? (Cripes, is Rusty going to photograph very bad men with big noses who shoot bighorn from airplanes?)

    Jugs Parker: Avery, since the fish are outdoors, why don’t you go outside and so some actual fishing? You won’t even need any bait–the fish will hear your whining and thing the air is full of annoying little skeeters.

    Family Circus: Don’t feel too bad, Billy, you have more fashion sense in your ten pudgy thumbs than Wilbur has in all of “Mary Worth.”

    Pardon My Planet: I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds smarter than anything Mary Worth ever said.

    Mary Mirthless: If Down has learned anything, it’s that she could have stayed home and heard the same words from Mary Worth, and saved herself the humilation of being seen with a man who’d wear a Hawaiian shirt in Italy.

    Pluggers: Too lazy to trim their nose hairs, too insecure to be mistaken for anything but Pluggers.

  275. greghousesgf
    July 12th, 2012 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    Even the bullies in Herb & Jamaal don’t have names!

  276. tallyHO
    July 12th, 2012 at 1:04 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#274):

    “(Cripes, is Rusty going to photograph very bad men with big noses who shoot bighorn from airplanes?)”

    Yeah. Yeaaaah, see. We used to be into eating omelets, see. Omelets made of American Eagle Eggs. But, we wised up, see.
    Now we poach them.

    Yeah. Yeeah.

    /edward g. robinson

  277. Droopy Says
    July 12th, 2012 at 1:34 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#276): That brings to mind a line from a Freak Brothers comic: “Fat Freddy can’t even poach an egg! How is he going to poach a whole deer?”

    I don’t know why I’m reminded of that, but it’s better than being reminded of 9 Clownweed Lane.

  278. Elk Meadow
    July 12th, 2012 at 1:34 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#178):

    The Horrible Bodies display came to my town. The wait in line to see it was two hours. What got me was the slice from the fat arm, and now when I look at my arms, I see that slice and that solid slab of fat.

    The fingernails on the hands were another thing. I still don’t know how fingernails grow after seeing the skin off.

  279. gleeb
    July 12th, 2012 at 6:00 am [Reply]

    Gil: Ah, that’s what’s troubling Steve. The malaise of going to the same school as Tom Batiuk.

  280. John C Fremont
    July 12th, 2012 at 6:12 am [Reply]

    MT – I think Rusty’s gotten too close to Bubba’s marijuana field. Must be near the north quadrant.

  281. Little A.
    July 12th, 2012 at 6:29 am [Reply]

    MT: Poachers. That sheep is going to get shot from the air. And if we are lucky, maybe they will get Rusty.

  282. Darryl Heine
    July 12th, 2012 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    $31.06 for Dagwood? How much does Blondie earn for her catering business that has no water cooler jabber and no computer games and no sleeping on the job? Even if Dithers is not a friend with Dagwood on Facebook and sometimes can not give Dagwood a raise and even sometimes yells for screwing up contract deals?

  283. maryworthy
    July 12th, 2012 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    A3G: if you’re not a medical professional, you can’t really appreciate how absolutely hilarious this whole storyline is. Granted, the positioning Tommie advises may be a valid procedure to try to position the baby. But absolutely NO medical professional (at least one that valued a license and avoiding malpractice suits) would “dare” to try that under these circumstances!! A professional midwife would have called an ambulance THEMSELVES and sent Ms. Nina to the hospital PRONTO if not sooner!! And would not have taken no for an answer! That would just be how it was. There’s no way a midwife/nurse/doctor or whatever would wait to try positioning. If there are complications in labor, you get Mom and baby to the hospital ASAP. And those would be “my rules, not yours now, Nina”.
    This strip cracks me up!! Maybe Tommie needs to pursue her “career” in music. At least she won’t (likely) kill someone by singing and playing piano.

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