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Dick Tracy, 5/26/09

Dick Tracy may be a thug whose joy in enforcing the rights of the powerful are matched only by his delight in the anguished screams of his dying enemies, but you have to admit that, as panel one indicates, he has a pretty philosophical attitude about death, presumably because he’s seen so damn much of it. “Yeah, go ahead, ludicrously dressed card-themed villain, put a bullet in my head. What other kind of fate could possibly be awaiting me? At least I’ll be released from this world of suffering, where you’re either enduring pain or dishing it out. I’m just going to stare grimly ahead at you, not even giving you the pleasure of seeing my eyes opened widely; I reserve that for truly remarkable events, like, say, if I’m miraculously saved by you getting shot in the spine and presumably paralyzed for life.”

Dennis the Menace, 5/26/09

Is it really “menacing” if Dennis is doing what many would like to do, yet dare not, due to social conventions — berating people shouting into their cellphones inappropriately in public, for instance? Perhaps not, in and of itself. But look at the flummoxed, vaguely guilty expression on this fellow’s face. He’s already eating dinner out by himself; now his one attempt at human interaction has been stymied, and everyone else in the restaurant is staring at him, increasing his self-consciousness. Presumably he’ll hang up the phone, quickly wolf down his food, and leave in embarrassment, going home to his lonely, empty apartment to cry. Perhaps this is an act of true menacing — or perhaps Dennis is menacing us by showing us the real human consequences of our hidden desires.

Shoe, 5/26/09

Ha ha, it’s funny because shitting something something the economy!

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I have just one hilarious item for you before I get to the COTW: Remember how I told you about Marty Moon’s Twitter feed? Well, if you enjoy that, you’ll probably also like Margo Magee’s.

And now … your comment of the week!

“‘Thanks to both of you, things turned out the way they did.’ Whoa! Better brush up your vagueness skillz, Herb and Jamaal — there’s a new something or other in whatever place this is!” –Hogan

And your runners-up:

“I think the Mary Worth palate consists of perhaps nine shades, but cantaloupe orange is undoubtedly the reigning champion.” –Andrew Leal

“I congratulate Mark Trail for finding the least erotic, most disturbing opening dialog of a gay porno ever. (‘I would like you to check into something.’ ‘Is it … serious?’ ‘It may be.’)” –Alan’s Addiction

“Thanks to both of you things turned out the way they did — we’re still stuck with the creepy, haunted ventriloquist’s dummy.” –PeteMoss

“Mary’s speculative regard of Adrian could not more unequivocally telegraph the sentiment, ‘Vulnerable, eh? (sinister chuckle)’ had the artist been working tirelessly for hours or even days to achieve that precise effect.” –Violet

“Ah, now I get it. Every date with Adrian, no matter how casual, is treated like she’s going to the prom. The prom on The Brady Bunch.” –mojo

“And the last words ever heard at that Milford party were: ‘Is that a bottle of vodka or a fire extinguisher?’ ‘There’s only one way to find out!'” –BigTed

“We are always gratified to see a gentleman wearing a suit and tie when calling on a lady. Except when the suit is orange. Santa Royale may be in California, but that is an insufficient excuse.” –Fashion Police

“What the hell is Tracy doing with his hand in the second panel? Is he raising it in a Hitler-style over-the-shoulder salute? Because that would be … completely unsurprising.” –Howlin’ Wolf

“Matters seem to be in hand, sergeant. Horrible, shriveled, clenched little hand.” –It’s time to pay the price

“Apparently Pluggers is shifting its focus from impoverished seniors to the exciting world of amputation fetishism. Your move, Crankshaft.” –Master Mahan

“‘You wanted to see me, Coach?’ ‘Yes, I heard some story that you had deliberately carved a vertical line down your face but, I knew they must be jokin… What the fuck?!‘” –EdgyDC

“Look, if child pornography charges are what it takes to get Marvin out of the newspapers, I’m willing to support this storyline 100%.” –150

“Also, I object to any comparison of the Lockhorns to Crankshaft. Each Lockhorns is a single-panel Raymond Carver short story — austere and clipped, full of blank space and blanker expressions reinforcing the empty blankness of bourgeois marriage in post-industrial society. Crankshaft on the other hand is more like Updike’s Rabbit tetralogy, a seemingly never-ending parade of increasingly unlikeable characters, but without Updike’s sense of humanity. Oh, and without the ‘protagonist’ finally having a massive coronary and dropping dead, alone and abandoned on the street.” –Comrade Denny

“I want to believe Marvin was wiped and cleaned in the video, that he hadn’t just got out of the nappy, that he wasn’t leaving an unspeakable, unthinkable trail behind him. But in my heart I know it’s Marvin, and human waste is what holds the comic together. Excrement for bricks, urine for mortar.” –Lolsworth

“That first panel of Mary Worth is like an advertisement for Fantastic Sams House of Horrible Haircuts. It’s where you go for styles that were popular in the 1950s and NEVER.” –Zooby

“Next Sunday, the parson will move on to harder theodical problems, such as why bad likker turns a feller blind.” –Albert Camus

“Mary Worth: I only wish I were an English professor with a need to illustrate the phrase ‘heavy-handedness’ in a creative writing course.” –bad wolf

“Personally, I’m hoping Mary Worth takes a cue from Funky Winkerbean, and the next storyline will be about the disembodied spirit of Scott’s dad peeping on his son’s dates with Adrian and possibly offering advice and commentary along the way. ‘That’s right, son! End the date with a chaste peck on the cheek and a handshake. Limp and clammy, just the way I like it!'” –Joe Blevins

“Okay, now wait… Since it was all a dream, does this mean that Electro didn’t really eat that sandwich? I’m going to have to write in to newspaper Spider-Man now. How does one do that, exactly?” –Larry McAwful

“If the Lord’s Plan involves trying to get everyone in Hootin’ Holler to die of food poisoning after eating off their filthy floors, I may have to become a man of faith myself!” –Rhekarid

“You guessed it, true believer! We’ve decided to bow to your letters and let Peter Parker lounge in a bed for the duration of a Sunday strip. Fucking exciting, ain’t it?” –survivor

“So, wait, hold on. Rewind a few weeks and we find that the newspaper Spider Man has reworked itself similar to the mainstream comics. Both audiences are outraged, but the newspaper one corrects itself. This means that … the newspaper-reading audience that has kept Family Circus alive for decades is, in fact, more powerful than all the world’s comic nerds? Man, that’s gotta hit the comic nerds something rough.” –Black Drazon

“Given how badly Marvel has overblown the character of Wolverine over the last 20 years I absolutely cannot wait to see Stan Lee put him in a cubicle eating a sandwich.” –Jeff

“Learn from this experience, Dolly: flirt shamelessly with broken, middle-aged men and you will never pay full price for anything.” –NoahSnark

Big thanks go to those who put some cash into my tip jar! And thanks must also go to my advertisers:

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Family Circus, 5/25/09

As several faithful readers have pointed out, this epic two-week “The Family Circus family sells off their household belongings in order to feed their litter of children” plot is a rerun from decades past, though I hadn’t seen it before. I’m pretty sure I’d have remembered it if I had, because I’m pretty sure this is the first time that I’ve seen some sexy interloper put the Keane’s rock-solid and extremely fecund marriage in jeopardy. I’d make some crack about “pole dancing,” but this blonde bombshell looks less like a stripper and more like some kind of pretty princess doll magically brought to life, which to my mind is much, much creepier.

Dick Tracy, 5/25/09

You know what separates Dick Tracy from your run-of-the-mill out-of-control cop who operates above the law and kills perps, suspected perps, and those standing in close proximity to suspected perps with impunity? It’s his philosophical turn of mind. For instance, if someone had asked me what did in the Queen of Diamonds, I’d have said that it was some combination of suffocation and massive third-degree burns all over her body after she fell into a smokestack. But Tracy is never satisfied with proximate causes, and is always looking for the deeper origins of events. I suppose that’s what makes him such a great detective — that and his propensity for violence and lack of a shred of human empathy.

By the way, I offer half-hearted kudos for linking that Queen of Diamonds plot to the current One-Eyed Jack storyline. I’m relieved to learn that, though the tendency for criminals to run around dressed as playing cards is rampant in the Dick Tracy universe, it appears to be limited to a single family.

Spider-Man, 5/25/09

I knew that the recent Wolverine flick didn’t perform at the box office as well as had been hoped, but does he really merit banishment to the Spider-Man newspaper strip? That seems like an extreme punishment.

Apartment 3-G, 5/25/09

“Wait, you want me to help you make a decision? Gary, don’t you know who I am? I’m Tommie Thompson! I don’t decide things; I just let events happen to me, then I whine about it. Here, I’m going to close my eyes until you’ve decided whether to move to Denver or not. Then I’m going to sigh endlessly.”