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It’s time for your comment of the week … after dark.

“It’s actually a pretty gentle storyline. I mean, Mary could have drowned Jeff’s baby niece in the bathtub through neglect while coked out on Facebook or doing lines of Twitter.” –Illustre

And the hilarious runners up!

“So he’s already spent 0.66% of his three million dollars. Stop him, Berna! Stop him! He’s not like you — he doesn’t know that money isn’t meant to bring happiness!” –Frank Lee Meidere

“It appears that there’s a sinister sexual subtext in today’s Spider-Man as Peter uses his amazing finger-placement abilities to try and get his wife to sleep with him. ‘Good morning, honey! I have woken from my slumber with a Viagra-level problem that only you can assist me with! See, even the paper implores you to “Yank Something.” It’s not me! Jameson insists, nay, demands that you fulfill your marital duty!'” –Sunstreaker84

“I like imagining Daily Bugle editorial meetings: ‘Mr. Jameson, a low-rent crook told the cops a fantastical tale of being menaced by an undead creature out of superstitious European folklore!’ ‘That’s the craziest shit I ever heard! Do we have any confirmation?’ ‘Nope! Just the word of a skeevy, possibly doped-up career criminal!’ ‘Run with it! We have our Page One, people!'” –Doctor Handsome

“Yeah, sure, they hate each other, but strangely I’m kinda moved that Loretta went to the trouble to get party hats.” –Ichi

“I think it was nice of Special K to change from her red track suit to lilac blouse in honor of knee cancer. Their ribbons are lilac, because you’ll ‘lie like’ a bump on a log without that knee. SMIRK!” –Old School Allie Cat

“What gets me is Les’s expression of commingled boredom, confusion, and disgust as he tries to cope with listening to a conversation that’s not about him in any way. If there were a fourth panel, we would see him suddenly blurt, ‘I HAVE TO GO TO A BOOK SIGNING! FOR MY BOOK!’ The fifth panel would just see the characters staring at each other silently, while Les waits for the women to apologize for boring him with the details of their petty misfortunes, and to offer to give him a ride to the signing and a foot massage afterward. In the sixth panel, that is exactly what would happen.” –Obstreperous B

“I things are tough all over and real-world economic woes are oh-so-rudely threatening to puncture Sam Driver’s bubble of privilege. Soon, he’ll investigate the roots of the global economic downturn, discover that a cabal of rent-seekers has been siphoning off the world’s wealth for forty or so years, and thus solve the Mystery of the Missing Money. (Spoiler: Sam has it.)” –Effluvius Erratus

“Wait, so they cleared the court and sent the players to the locker room for a knee injury? Even in the NFL when a player is out cold and can’t move their extremities, the players stay on the field while they bring out the cart. But in the Funkiverse, they want to make sure that injuries are played for maximum dramatic effect. I suspect the locker rooms have the video of Brian’s Song playing on a continuous loop to set the mood.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

Spider-Man: “Ah, the old ‘Maybe he wasn’t’ ploy, always good for bringing back a character when you can’t be bothered to come up with a new plotline. ‘But wasn’t Snailman crushed by 3000 tons of Kosher rock salt and his remains fired into the sun?’ ‘Maybe he wasn’t!'” –New_squid_in_town

“I call Wilbur’s bold fashion choice of a shirt today ‘Ode to the Kidney.'”

“I think Margo is just thinking, ‘Finally, someone turned on by frigid, cold places. He’ll just love my … life.'” –Badger3k

FW: “After the coach is fired for not having any control over the team, Les More will be hired to coach the team. He’ll change the name of the team to the ‘Lisas,’ call each player ‘Lisa,’ and then write a book titled Lisa’s Daughter’s Legacy.” –thegatwickview

“People obsessed with the trivial details of other people’s lives? How shocking! By the way, did you see how black that kettle was?” –TheDiva

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Gil Thorp, 2/11/11

Oh hey, what’s going on with Gil Thorp’ presumably gay basketball prodigy? Well, it turns out the only thing he cares less about than winning basketball games is love, or at least yucky heterosexual love. But don’t worry about this negative stereotyping; for “balance,” his devout Christian future nemesis also turns out to be a brutal elbow-throwing thug.

Anyway, we can’t possibly be mad at Lini’s heartlessness, since his advice that Kayla dump Parker brought us the delightful and hilarious scene in panel two, where Parker is ripping off his own face out of grief. His friend sure seems to be having a good time watching the waterworks. “This is better than TV!” he thinks, while stone cold munching on a sandwich.

Apartment 3-G, 2/11/10

I’m going to pass over the rather predictable revelation that going on about your delusions of world-changing grandeur will cause Margo to want to do sex things with you, and instead focus on the freakish vehicle that has brought them to the deserted, pristine hillside that Trey will despoil with his green energy McMansion. Is that a Volkswagen Thing? Is Iris still passed out in the back seat?

Mary Worth, 2/11/10

Ha ha, Wilbur doesn’t have any idea how to work a Twitter machine! He’s just trying to lure Mary and her groceries back to his apartment, as he suspects she might have a jar of delicious mayonnaise in that bag.

Dennis the Menace, 2/11/10

“Oh, and how come you and Mrs. Wilson have different beds? Dad says it’s because you’re a couple of sexless old farts, but it always smells nice at your house!”

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Judge Parker, 2/10/11

I need a consult from the Fashion Police on this, because I’ve been spending the last week trying to figure out what exactly the outfit of our latest Judge Parker female guest star is meant to convey. Usually the implication of ladies’ clothes in this strip is fairly straightforward — “I am sinister; here are my breasts” — but Constance Darling, publishing marketing intern suddenly thrust into a position of power, is all over the map, sartorially. Since she’s an intern, I’m assuming she’s supposed to be of college age or at oldest in her early 20s; she’s wearing a long, flowing skirt, strappy high heels, a sort of collegiate-y sweater, a big chunky scarf, big glasses, big earrings, and, of course, a giant yellow peace symbol. Is this someone’s idea of how the young people are dressing? Because I can assure that it is not the way the young people are dressing, unless they’re trying out to star in Doctor Who as the first female Doctor.

Mary Worth, 2/10/11

Now we know why now why Mary shuns the Internet: it’s full of people, talking about their lives, unprompted by Mary’s probing questions, a prospect she finds completely ghastly.

Mark Trail, 2/10/11

Whoops, looks like Kelly Well’s ladyish incompetence has resulted in one of the more hilarious Mark Trail panels in recent memory. It’s too bad Mark isn’t using his recently developed thought-ballooning abilities to let us in on what’s going through his head as he hurtles through the air. “I’m flying! Am I a bird? I always thought I might be a bird! Look, my seagull brother is behind me for my first flight! I love being a bird! I will definitely capture that diamond smuggler no[SPLASH]”

Apartment 3-G, 2/10/11

Based on those arousal lines radiating from Margo’s head, I think we’ve finally learned the easiest way to get her attention: make with the igloo talk. She’s obviously now planning to drag Trey back to her love igloo and ravish him atop a pile of furs (all the better, furs made from adorable animals that Lu Ann would get all sentimental over). They’d drape their yellow scarves over the igloo’s narrow entranceway, to indicate that the igloo is a-rockin’ and that others should under no circumstances come a-knockin’.

Exciting listening opportunity! You are no doubt familiar with Citation Needed, the Tumblr I help maintain that’s all about Wikipedia’s most hilarious prose! Well, it now has a podcast that you’re obviously going to want to listen to. I had nothing to do with this first installment, because I am lazy, so all props go to Conor Lastowka and his cast of guest stars, but I will hopefully be helping out with future installments, about which you will kept in the loop!