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Mary Worth, 12/8/11

I swore a blood oath to myself that I wouldn’t discuss Mary Worth until something happened, and now something has, so here you go! Anyway, Mary has proved herself history’s greatest hero by physically blocking the door briefly to give the cops long enough to arrive and apprehend our kidnapper. Bonus points for really trying to get into the depraved criminal’s head with her “That young girl you’ve kidnapped sure is attractive, you’ve definitely made the right choice there” technique. Look for Mary’s sense of self-regard to reach levels that scientists had hitherto believed to be impossible.

Apartment 3-G, 12/8/11

Oh my goodness you guys, is … is Ruby Lu Ann’s biological mother??? Who maybe got knocked up as a teen and handed over the child to her aunt and uncle to raise? Causing resentment in said aunt and uncle’s biological daughter, and, eventually, in said aunt and uncle themselves? Does this explain the weird family dynamic, and why Ruby showed up in New York a few years ago acting all maternal-like towards Lu Ann? Will Lu Ann and Margo finally find something to bond over (i.e., their sordid, secret parentage), leaving Tommie, presumably the biological child of the married adults who raised her, even more boring and left out than usual?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/8/11

Rex Morgan’s sexy rebellious teen plot has ended with a thwarted rape attempt and a mother-daughter reconciliation (i.e., it ended extremely not sexily), but I do have vague hopes for what’s coming next. Remember, Niki’s mom was a former meth lab tech who Rex hired to work in his clinic and who hasn’t been heard from since. I share Rex’s sense that “she doesn’t do the outdoors” is code for either “she’s in the middle of a six-week cross-country crank-fueled bank robbery spree” or “she’s been dead for weeks and I keep cashing her public assistance checks.” I was going to say that Rex ought to know more details, since he’s her employer and all, but then I remembered that Rex really doesn’t care about other people enough to pay attention to them.

Six Chix, 12/8/11

I know I usually only put up cartoons to make fun of them, but I really love today’s Six Chix! I especially like (a) the fact that only one third of the book group hated this week’s read enough to burn it and (b) that even in their rage these ladies made a makeshift fire pit, possibly out of the top of a barrel, rather than just burning the books in the middle of the floor. There’s no need to make a mess!

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Gil Thorp, 1/7/12

Oh, man, this tattoo guy is something else. Not only is he evilly providing tattooing services to people who come and ask for them and pay him money; not only is he performing other forms of body modification that were shocking in 1995; but he’s also causing tingling sensations in the lady parts of innocent teenage girls, with his sexiness. Add in the fact that he’s apparently a filthy foreigner from Australia (or, worse, that he’s adopted the Aussies’ un-American slang) and we can all really get behind the inevitable threats of violence, and perhaps even actual implementations of violence, that Kaz will dish out to him sometime in March.

Garfield, 1/7/12

Speaking of threats of violence, once Jon accidentally stepped on Garfield’s tail, and Garfield responded by breaking Jon’s leg so savagely that it still causes him pain, years later! So, yeah, Garfield is a widely-syndicated comic that a lot of people enjoy.

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Are you ready to roll into the weekend with your comment of the week?

“Mark did not erase Kelly Welly’s memory card, he simply stole it. It took Mark several hours to open the little door to get the card out, at which point I suspect he simply swallowed it since the concept of ‘deleting’ the contents would require a level of computer savvy far beyond that of eating pancakes, Mark’s only discernible skill.” –Not Just Any Dipstick

And your extremely amusing runners up?

“Does Randy understand he doesn’t need to maintain eye contact with his phone for it to work?” –Amazing Braino

“‘TOMMIE’ is clearly a cheap Chinese knockoff of The Who album ‘Tommy,’ featuring songs like ‘Pinnbal Wizzard’ and ‘Smush the Mirorr.'” –mgm

“I’m excited to hear Mim’s story. Clearly she somehow managed to escape the A3G black hole, settle in to the normal passage of time, and become several years older than her aunt.” –brian

“So wait, why does Mark have to wait until he gets back to the house to call Tommy? His shirt-phone clearly works outside.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“If you’re all fired up for getting a tattoo, you can take mine. No, seriously, take it, rip it from my skin. It is a mark of eternal shame that I will otherwise be forced to carry to my grave.” –Notebooked

“Yes, despite your transparent attempts to stall me and keep me here, I will take a dish of complimentary ice cream to go, thinks the World’s Worst Kidnapper.” –Esther Blodgett

“That Mark Trail is like a Sesame Street sketch about camera angles. ‘Toooo Far!’ … ‘Tooo Close!'” –AndyL

“I’m now thinking about winning strategies for playing a day long pooping game show. THANK YOU FOR RUINING MY DAY!!!!” –Eau de Plugger

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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