Judge Parker, 4/1/17
So Honey Ballenger’s dad has invited Sam over to the kidnap compound and is going to shoot him with a shotgun, probably for being a rich jerk whose kid was the reason his got briefly kidnapped or something. I like how the subtle details let us know he’s a crazed maniac: what sort of lunatic just has a VHS tape labelled “NFL PLAYOFFS”? Does re-record over it every year? Or does he just endlessly rewatch the Patriots-Jaguars first-round game from January 2006, the last one played before the record function on his VCR broke?
[I take a long drag from a cigarette]
Now, Cathy’s mother-in-law tried to sell hers at a yard sale, back in ’09, but the real heyday was three years before that. Curtis wanted a pair. A plugger threw ’em out by accident. At least one of the Chix thought they were a joke. And Al Scaduto — God, I miss Al Scaduto — Al Scaduto though you’d wear ’em at a “hobo gathering,” and that might not be what you call “politically correct” but you can’t deny it hits the nail on the head.
[I take another drag, then laugh a laugh that devolves into coughing]
Well, sorry to go on like that, stranger! It’s just, you come around here, and you say “predistressed jeans,” and–
[I look out over the rail of the porch, towards the distant horizon]
–well, I haven’t heard that name in years.