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Hey, everybody! I’m back from my voyages and ready to entertain you with my comics-mocking antics, once again! Let’s give a huge hand to Uncle Lumpy for his usual fill-in amazingness — Carl the Turtle is an instantly iconic character who I will treasure in my heart forever. And let’s also give a huge hand to the kind souls who contributed to the Summer 2018 fundraiser. I promise personal thank-yous this week, as well as solicitation of addresses for possible totebag-sending! You’re all the real heroes!

Meanwhile, let’s dive into the glory and pageantry of the comics page, with…

Funky Winkerbean, 7/12/18

…Funky Winkerbean heading out to Comic-Con! This is a groundbreaking adventure for our characters, who have never before attended this pinnacle of pop culture and comics fand– [aide whispers in ear] Oh, huh, just last year, you say? Well, confidential to the Funky Winkerbean creative team: you don’t have to set a storyline at Comic-Con every year to write the costs of passes and travel off on your taxes. It’s literally your industry’s main trade show! The word “comic” is right there in the name! Anywhere, here’s hoping that, having foregone a paid tour guide, Les takes a wrong turn in the exotic, dangerous city of “San Diego” and ends up murdered in one of its seedy back alleys, like in an Old Navy or something.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/18

Meanwhile, Uncle Lumpy rightfully refused to keep you updated on Rex Morgan, M.D., which over the course of my absence stayed relentlessly focused on its insanely dull “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in an RV” plot. The strip could’ve at least broken up the monotony by cutting away to one of its other thrilling and unresolved storylines, like [checks notes] ah. Hmm. Anyway, If you thought “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in an RV” was boring, wait till you get a load of “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in a midsized SUV.”

Mark Trail, 7/12/18

“She gets totally obsessive about artifacts — almost as if she’s a dedicated researcher well versed in the latest techniques in our field and doing her best to help everyone understand the material culture of ancient societies! Me, I’m just in it for a quick buck. I know some real rich creeps who’d pay good money for Vampire Mister Potato Head here, especially if I spin ’em some story about how the temple I found it in seemed cursed or whatever. These pith helmets don’t pay for themselves!”

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Hey kids! I’m heading outta dodge for the next week and change, so your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be in charge till I get back. I’ll be back at the blog machine’s controls on … July 12? -ish? Let’s say that. In the meantime, here’s your somewhat early comment of the week, which will stand till I get back because Uncle Lumpy can’t bear to have to decide which among your brilliant offerings are the most brilliant:

“Dag Hammarskjöld: ‘Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. For me, that something was a commitment to world peace, which I relentlessly pursued right up until my death when my plane was shot down en route to negotiating a cease-fire in the Congo.’ Brandy: ‘I like action thrillers!’” –Owen Kije

And your very fun runners up!

“eHarmony presents ‘Letters From Birmingham Jail’” –Paula Gehringer, on Facebook

“Spicy foods are becoming increasingly popular with diners! For example, let’s look in at Millie’s Diner. Oh yeah, things are definitely heating up in there!” –Peanut Gallery

“This is one of those days when I wish Dennis the Menace were 50 panels long instead of eight, so we could see George Wilson: getting an idea, chuckling to himself a bit, finding his car keys, driving to the local PetSmart, parking his car, walking into the store, searching the aisles, becoming frustrated, seeking out an employee, talking to that employee, selecting a dog whistle (after comparing a few prices), walking to the checkout counter, fishing his wallet out of his back pocket, paying for the dog whistle, walking back to his car, getting stuck in traffic on the way home, finally returning home, awkwardly explaining to Martha why he was gone, etc., etc.” –Joe Blevins

“You made a big bowl of popcorn. A big bowl of popcorn to eat, dead-eyed, while you watch…what, a rerun of Cosmos? ‘Everything‘ is not what’s happening to you.” –Anonymous

“As usual, Marvin’s stale jokes leave no room for the really important question: is it demeaning to play fetch?!” –Ettore

“You hit the nail on the head, Ditto. As soon as she drops you off at Camp Samsara she’s headed for the Enlightenment suite at Spa Nirvana. Enjoy the endless cycle of days!” –But What Do I Know?

“Tommy is definitely Iris’s Tyler Durden, right? But, like, some weird reverse Tyler Durden where Iris is the one out living her sexual liberation and Tommy is discovering Christ and working at a grocery store.” –Dan

“I can’t believe how many times they’ve emphasized the fact that Tommy and Brandy had a ‘late’ dinner. I mean, I suppose 9:00 is kinda late for dinner, but surely not so remarkably so that it merits a daily mention. I guess it’s just everyone being on Charterstone time. Like later this week Iris will tell Mary that Tommy went for a late dinner and Mary will be all ‘what, like 4:30?’” –Violet

“I’m slayed, Ma! Slayed like a dragon of love! That’s like a Game of Thrones thing, right? I’m so young and topical!” –pugfuggly

“I’m glad that we have have 68 years of history behind Beetle Bailey, with unique characters like Gizmo, Plato, Sarge, Cookie, Zero, Killer, or even Beetle himself, all so that the punchline could be delivered by, uh. That guy. The generic C-shape with the tumorous c-shapes extruding from his face.” –Bunivasal

“At this rate Iris’ neck is going to be four feet long by Wednesday’s strip, her bottle-blonde locks cascading down acres of increasingly serpentine larynx. Tommy looks on, struggling to remember if he’s relapsed or if the devil has finally come for him.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Do archeologists still wear pith helmets? I thought there was a mass shift to fedoras in the 1980s.” –Zla’od

“‘How does LIDAR work, Professor Carter?’ Rusty asked. A sly grin played across his face since he knew this so-called ‘scholar’, being a humanities grad, couldn’t even explain that light can be both wave and particle, let alone understand a micropulse system utilizing intermittent bursts of energy to image objects.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Bill and Ted’s Reasonably Functional Radar-Like Equipment’ –Applemask

“When I have a child, I plan to always put his or her name in quotation marks as well.” –Here Come the Judge

“Thel regrets having not dug Billy’s grave a little deeper.” –Tom the Sailor Man

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/29/18

I know the convention in sequential art is to read word bubbles chronologically left to right. (At least that’s true in writing systems that work that way — do they go right to left in Hebrew or Arabic?) But still, I’d like to imagine that’s not happening panel two here. “Drawing scary stories for the funnybooks, huh?” “Yeah — it worked out pretty well in the long run. Turns out kids love looking at gruesome depictions of hideous monsters and undead fiends with rotting flesh, and that’s what I’m best at drawing. Speaking of which, I’d like to draw your p–” “QUITE A PLACE YOU HAVE HERE MRS. GILLIS, BUT WE SHOULD REALLY BE GOING”

Beetle Bailey, 6/29/18

So, to recap, Beetle can’t get enough of watching from the air as civilizations are bombed into oblivion, but isn’t thrilled about being sent into the ruined cities to kill off the hardy few who managed to survive the killbots and throw all the corpses onto piles to be burned. Sarge is right: he really does have a bad work ethic.