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Mary Worth, 6/15/17

So after getting caught by his wife smooching a non-wife lady and being told to find somewhere else to sleep tonight, on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean, Derek has chosen to … admonish Esme using sexy banter from an old-timey movie? I’m beginning to think Derek might not be 100% committed to this whole “not cheating on his wife” thing, guys.

Dick Tracy, 6/15/17

Dick is entirely conscious that the purpose of the “law and order” regime he imposes on Neo-Chicago is to protect the property interests of the monied classes, so obviously he doesn’t want to go around hassling bank executives, even if they are harassing one of his close personal friends.

Shoe, 6/15/17

“Is it a sapient, talking bird, with a job and clothes, much like us? Will using the pronoun ‘it’ distance me from the horror that I am contemplating with so much ugly joy?”

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Pluggers, 6/14/17

Look, guys, I’m super cheap — like, super cheap — but it would never, ever, ever in a million years occur to me to do this. Does anyone do this? Do plugger friends just send the same blank birthday card back and forth year after year, forever? Why stop at birthdays? Why not send one of those cards that has generic art and no message inside for every occasion? You get one the mail and you have to derive the content entirely from the current context of your own life and your friendship with the sender. The more I think about it, this is actually a pretty high-concept practice for pluggers.

Family Circus, 6/14/17

I call bullshit on how happy everyone looks to see fucking Billy, of all people. The only way this makes sense is if he’s walking into an ambush, possibly one planned by Sam the dog.

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Marvin, 6/13/17

Usually when we discuss Marvin here, it’s to talk about the main theme of the strip, which is that the title character is a baby who not only poops and pees in his pants, as all babies do, but revels in it, enjoying the way his foul stench disgusts his parents. There’s another theme, though, and that’s how Marvin’s parents need to care not only for their grotesque infant, but also Jenny’s parents, who lost all their retirement savings in bad investments and moved in with Marvin’s family in defeat. Then last year we learned that Jeff’s dad, who he thought had died when he was a child, actually just walked out on the family and Jeff’s mom told her son he was dead, because it was easier! And now he’s decided to come back into his son’s life, entirely for grifting purposes. What I’m saying is that beneath the surface of this light-hearted strip about endless shit-filled diapers, there’s an aspiring Funky Winkerbean trying to get out.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/13/17

Speaking of Funky Winkerbean, don’t think this is the kind of hilarious accidental eavesdropping oh-no-my-beloved-is-cheating-on-me misunderstanding-half-a-conversation you’d see in mindless sitcoms like Three’s Company. No, this is the kind of tragic accidental eavesdropping oh-no-my-beloved-is-cheating-on-me misunderstanding-half-a-conversation you’d see in Shakespeare, which usually end in a murder-suicide.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/13/17

Look, I know coming out to an acquaintance can be difficult. But see, you don’t have to invite them to a high school musical your girlfriend stars in just so you can casually mention that your girlfriend will be appearing in it! You could have said she was the lead when you first invited them to see the show, for instance. That would’ve gotten it out of the way early and then they wouldn’t even have had to come! Or when you first got wind that there was some romantic jealousy, you could’ve just said “I have a girlfriend and you’re gross!” Lotta options that don’t involve several uncomfortable hours watching high school musical theater that somebody else’s girlfriend is starring in, is what I’m saying.