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I’m back, everybody! Huge thanks to all who contributed to the fundraiser, and huge thanks to Uncle Lumpy for his as always hilarious fill-in and fundraising work! I’ll be writing personal thank-yous to all contributors (and, of course, to Uncle Lumpy) this week. But now, on to comics! Say, did any beloved legacy strips take a sharp left turn into explicit vomit fetishism while I was gone?

Hagar the Horrible, 5/8/17

Ha ha! Well, I have to say the year 2017 is exactly as depraved and horrifying as we might’ve all hoped!

Six Chix, 5/8/17

Speaking of the dystopian future, these ladies look like primitive huntresses but I suppose based on their dialogue we’re supposed to imagine this incident as taking place after a worldwide collapse of the interconnected global civilization that made things like “online shopping” and “shopping” and “online” possible. The ladies look perky enough, but the bleak, utterly barren landscape is bad news. I’m not sure if the cataclysm was a climate-change-driven ecological collapse or a global war that scoured the Earth bare with atomic fire, but it’s clear that our heroines are just scavenging for whatever critters are left that haven’t themselves succumbed to starvation, and cannibalism is the logical next and final step.

Slylock Fox, 5/8/17

I was about to brag about the fact that I remembered this strip from when it first ran more than a decade ago, but I was horrified to discover that back then I couldn’t even remember the name of beloved rodent sidekick Max Mouse! For shame! Anyway, I’m still horrified by this story of a grandmother whose response to some low grade cookie theft on the part of her grandchildren is to literally call in the police to browbeat a confession out of them, but I will say that the larger comics images I have access to today definitely let me see how very smug the grandkid on the left is. Smug enough to make this brutal introduction to the police state good grandparenting? No. But you can begin to see the motivation, at least.

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Hey all, this is Josh using the power of scheduled posts to remind you from BEYOND THE GRAVE (I’m probably not dead, but I could be???) that tonight, Friday, May 5, the live comedy show I host in Los Angeles, The Internet Read Aloud, is going to happen and be tons of fun! Probably not if I’m dead, though. Let’s hope I’m not! Come to The Clubhouse in Los Feliz to see me and some other insanely talented people perform onstage and tell jokes about the Internet that we all know and love!

Don’t miss it! Here is the Facebook event, if you find those helpful in planning your social life; it also includes advice on how to find the Clubhouse, if you’ve never been there before.

Anyhoo, Uncle Lumpy refuses to participate in the dirty business of elevating some of you commenters over others, so there’s no COTW this week, but I still want to thank everyone who participated in the fundraiser, whether they became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Hey everybody, a couple notes before we get to our weekly top comments. First: We are one week away from the first Friday of the month, so you know what that means: the live comedy show I host, The Internet Read Aloud, is looming! Come to The Clubhouse in Los Feliz to see me and some other insanely talented people perform onstage and tell jokes about the Internet that we all know and love!

Don’t miss it! Here is the Facebook event, if you find those helpful in planning your social life.

Also: I’m about to take a little mini-blogcation, and as ever your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be here to fill in, so be nice to him! I’ll be back on Monday May 8th.

And now, your comment of the week, which shall reign supreme for a couple of weeks because Uncle Lumpy loves you all too much to choose amongst you:

“The Can’t-Can’t.” –Pamela Zoslov, on Facebook

And here also are your runners up! Very funny!

“Time to stare at the mailbox until that porn I ordered on Amazon arrives!” –Super Luigi 64

“‘Media’ is just Latin for ‘middle things’, right? So this is probably just a comment on how Hagar has lost his middle finger, very clearly shown in the first panel, and the prosthetic replacement he was hoping would be ready is still a distant dream.” –pachoo

“Dennis hears the adults around him chunter on about computer jargon and licks his lips as he realises there’s nothing they can do to stop him. He may no longer be a meatspace menace, but I guarantee he’s either raking in Social Security numbers and bank accounts, or he’s in the middle of writing some particularly grotesque viral fake news to disrupt the next European election cycle.” –Schroduck

“Those are all the snails I collected at recess last Friday. There’s a small hollow under the tree in the corner of the playground, so when I crawled inside I met the Ancient One, the Black Goat of the Woods, Shub-Niggurath! He’s just covered in snails! I just can’t wait until Monday!” –Chareth Cutestory

“You know how I can tell Mason Jarre doesn’t recognize sarcasm?” –lumaca morente

“Slipping on a Banana Peel: The Musical” –Rejax, on Twitter

I was in college and reading J.D. Salinger’s story ‘For Esme With Love and Squalor’ when I realized that ‘Esme’ is pig latin for ‘mess’ (and what better way to say ‘mess’ than in pig latin?) So, Derek Hoosier, if you’re going to have an affair with a showtunes entertainer in an enclosed environment with Mary Worth hovering, do make sure your new beloved is an emotionally troubled woman. I’ll bring popcorn.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Gosh, I like all the pretty costumes, like Little Bo Peep the Axe Murderer and her sidekick Elf Without Pupils. Yep. Real pretty.” –made of wince

“I wish there was room in the panel for Mason’s thought bubble while Cindy prattles on. It would just be an Oscar and a bunch of dollar signs.” –Doctor Handsome

“Auuuuugh! That pizza is getting cold. SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!” –Col.Havoc

“Don’t forget to bring your chips, Chipper! (Pun intended!) Because some guys from the Gambino family tell me they want to help you cash them in! (Pun possibly intended, I’m really not sure, it’s hard to tell verbal nuance when someone’s threatening your kneecap with a power drill.)” –Voshkod

“A bald funeral director stands behind a podium, surrounded by preternaturally happy faces. An unidentified woman films the proceedings at the Tomb of the Unknown Soul Stealer. Yep, the creators of Gasoline Alley definitely have direct access to my nightmares.” –Victor Von

“I must admit that at first glance, I read Dot’s line as ‘What kind of cellophane did you have?’ You know how kids these days love their cellophanes! ‘We had the real crinkly kind, the kind that sounds like a camp fire! Hey, Dot! Better pull your mukluks out of the cellophane before they scorch! That kind.'” –Deacon Blues

“Starlord, eh? And he’s from my world? He sounds dreamy! Tell me, is he a shadowy, stubbly drifter who’s capable of retracting his head into his jacket like a turtle? And does he have a beautifully maintained pompadour with a single wayward forelock? ‘Cause that’s how I picture him!” –Joe Blevins

“Looks like Mr. Wavering is suffering from YELLzheimer’s! Ha ha!” –Steve S

“It’s good to see Rocket quote, verbatim, the memo the Amazing Spider-Man team received from marketing.” –Dan

“Well, I guess that’s one reason we should’ve played basketball. Right, Jeffy? Jeffy? Keep making splashing noises, Jeffy!” –Droopy Says

“Yeah, too bad you already invested all that money in uniforms and equipment just to play five-man baseball on your street. What are you going to do with that riding field-line chalker now?” –pugfuggly

“It’s been my experience a woman who wears a top hat is usually a real tornado in the sack. They know how to ‘work the ol’ stovepipe’ if you know what I mean.” –Mumblix Grumph

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.