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Dennis the Menace, 4/30/15

I was going to make some kind of joke along the lines of “the divide between rewarded and unrewarded work under capitalism is still gendered and that’s the TRUE menace” here but then I noticed that Henry doesn’t even have a keyboard for his computer, just a mouse. What does he do for a living, like … click on things? Jesus, I hope he isn’t getting paid much for this.

Hi and Lois, 4/30/15

“How can a box ring a doorbell?” asks Dot, watching the Amazon drone buzz off. “How can we call a company a job creator when it works harder and harder to replace all its employees with robots? What good will my inefficient fleshy body be in the post-human future?”

Pluggers, 4/30/15

Pluggers know that chickens can perceive a much broader range of colors than dogs can, and divide fashion responsibilities accordingly. Do you think those pants look blue, with your human eyes? The dog knows better. The dog knows chickens see what we can’t.

Marvin, 4/30/15

Look, it’s not like King Features wants to publish a comic where every punchline is about a baby shitting himself, OK? It’s just … it’s Marvin. He can’t be stopped. He can’t help himself. Look, he’s seized control of the comic and is now penning his own “diaper diary.” “Today I had a conflict with my mother,” he writes. “And I got revenge by shitting myself.” Presumably this same joke-form will be repeated daily for years, for decades, while the civilized world begs for some kind of sanity to no avail, until the Earth is a burnt-out cinder.

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Hi everybody, I am back! Thanks to Uncle Lumpy for his fine fill-in work! And thanks to all of you who participated in the spring fundraiser to help keep the lights on around here! You’ll be getting personal thank-yous in the next few days, plus links to a fancy-schmancy Google Forms questionnaire that will make it hopefully easier for me to get rewards out in a timely/organized fashion. BUT FIRST: BACK TO THE COMICS!

Apartment 3-G, 4/29/15

Hey, guess who else is back? Gabriella’s mother, apparently! Gabriella, your mother isn’t sick any longer — she’s a foul, undead abomination, shuffling from the graveyard towards the still-living family that her rotted brain just barely remembers, moaning with a hunger that can never be sated. It’s the best news of all!

Speaking of the undead continuity strips: Uncle Lumpy tends to pay Newspaper Spider-Man exactly as much attention as he deserves (none), but I can’t look away from it, and I feel compelled to share with you another great example of Newspaper Spider-Man’s Spider-Powers Being Real Crappy, from last week:

Panel from Spider-Man, 4/22/15

Oh, Spider-Man, your spider-sense is literally of no use to you in situations where more than one person is around! It’s a good thing people generally dislike you and try to avoid you!

Anyway, after a little light breaking and entering and security-guard-webbing, we arrive at today’s strip:

Spider-Man, 4/29/15

Haha, the potential for super-heroic combat has quickly withered away, and now we’re just left with Spider-Man arguing with the pajama-clad heir to an industrialist’s fortune about the mental health professionals he’s consulting. I love how quickly this strip finds its level in every plot!

Hagar the Horrible, 4/29/15

I’ve often wondered when exactly the action in Hagar the Horrible takes place vis-à-vis the conversion of the Norse from paganism to Christianity. Well, fun fact: when the Vikings became Christian, they started burying their dead instead of cremating them. So, does today’s installment definitively place this strip in the age of Norse paganism? Not necessarily: perhaps Attila, still loyal to a polytheistic pantheon, is taunting Hagar, whom he knows has converted to the faith of the “civilized” world and, by implication, has gone soft, by sending him an object to remind him of his pagan warrior past. Quite a sick barbarian-on-barbarian burn, eh? I mean yes, the pagan Huns didn’t practice cremation themselves. Also, Attila lived a solid four centuries before the Viking Age. Look, just let me have this, OK?

Dennis the Menace, 4/29/15

Whining to the neighbors and asking them to call for help because you got stuck up a tree? Not menacing. Making your neighbors, who probably hold you in justified contempt for your irritating antics, question their own moral worth as you force them to confront the fact that, in their heart of hearts, they value the life and safety of an animal over that of a little boy? Extremely menacing.

Herb and Jamaal, 4/29/15

Herb’s expression of evil plotting as he contemplates an extremely minor transgression against conventional morality is definitely the funniest thing in the comics today. “I’m pretty bad at golf … but based on this scorecard, the world will think I’m only mediocre at golf! None will be the wiser! All will tremble before me! MOO HA HA HA HA HA HA HA”

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Augh! Guys, apologies, but here’s a kind of truncated COTW post — been a crazy last couple days and haven’t harvested as many as usual. Still, this one’s pretty funny?

“Frogs can’t grow hair. The feminine eyelashes are false, put in to adhere to the Easily Identifiable Animal Genders act of 1947.” –Enlong

And so are these runners up!

“I like how the Perfesser breaks the fourth wall there, staring directly at the reader. ‘My misery is your entertainment. Laugh it up now because soon you’ll be the one in the chair.'” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“If anyone’s starting an ‘Abbey Raises An Eyebrow’ Tumblr, today’s your lucky day. CONTENT JACKPOT.” –Dan

“‘Ooops … It slipped!’ [Blonde bully girl character keys car] ‘Still slipping!’ [Pokes out tires] ‘My hands are very sweaty today!’ [Begins to stab Kelly and chauffeur repeatedly in stomachs]” –Jack loves comics

“‘Nice to meet you, Mr. Wood’ is exactly the sort of thing a giant Emerald Ash Borer hiding inside a human lady skin would say.” –Jym the Wildlife Man

“Ralph is going to send a message to the city’s politicians: your assumption that the people of this city are apathetic and powerless and can be safely ignored is entirely accurate.” –Nekrotzar

“Our plugger friend here doesn’t even has his computer turned on. That’s how much of a shit he doesn’t give about this job. The people on the Pistachio Advisory Council will certainly fire him after they learn of this.” –Joe Blevins

“What the hell does a plugger tweet about? ‘Remember when we used to call twitter the bathroom wall?’ and ‘Just found out what Lovin’ Spoonful really meant & it’s not coffee grouds.Yuck LOL’ and ‘Just ate ham sammidge, contemplated own mortality.'” –Lily Sincere

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here. Uncle Lumpy is coming! Be good to him!