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Slylock Fox, 3/26/12

Never let it be said that Slylock only uses his detective services to buttress the prevailing capitalistic power structure! Count Weirdly can drive around with his sinister magnet and cheerful octopus sidekick all day, wrenching valuable steel and iron out of the skyscrapers where the wealthy gather, cackling all the while. Who cares? The Count himself is a member of the aristocracy, so let’s just let the rich fight it out. But these easily terrified homeless beavers — they must have their feelings soothed, through comforting scientific explanations, so that they know that they were never in any real danger (except for danger from death by exposure, when their two wagons’ worth of cans don’t garner enough to pay for a flophouse for the evening).

Mary Worth, 3/26/12

Speaking of America’s tragic homelessness problem, words cannot express how completely giddy I am at the prospect of a week-long summit between Suddenly Conscience-Having Nola and this magical hobo. Presumably, having been softened up by a drunken tirade of abuse from her latest victim, Nola will learn the true meaning of kindness from this man, who, despite having a beard so filthy and ill-kempt it can only be described as “lumpy,” still takes a moment out of his busy day of shouting at invisible demons and not freezing to death to spare a kind word for a weeping businesslady. Will Nola repay this act of generosity by volunteering down at the soup kitchen, or let him camp out in her sweet office, or perhaps move on with her life a better person and never once spare a thought to any existence this homeless person might have outside of the few moments he spent interacting with her? Yeah, probably the last one.

Apartment 3-G, 3/26/12

Margo being an all-heels all-the-time gal fits in pretty well with her personality and whatever we can glimpse of her cultural milieu through the fog of Eisenhower Era-ish art, but I was still kind of surprised to hear her say it, probably because we almost never get to see her below the solar plexus, so who knows what her shoes look like? Does she even have feet?

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Pluggers, 3/20/12

HELLO EVERYONE! Did you enjoy a week with your favorite Uncle — a week that, as Pluggers would like to remind you, brought you just a little bit closer to your inevitable death in poverty? I’ll bet you did! I’ll be back with new comics tomorrow, but did want to offer up your slightly delayed comment of the week!

“I hear that more and more insurance companies are carrying the ‘walk in the park’ option in lieu of offering maternity leave. It’s part of their ‘walk it off, wuss’ complete coverage plan.” — pugfuggly

And your runners up! Very funny!

Apartment 3-G: “Little girls use toys. Margo uses TOOLS.” — UncleJeff

Crankshaft: “Pretty elaborate plot to get Cranky to pick up the bar tab for once.” — TheDiva

Popeye: “The Doomsday Doll is blond, endowed, and interested in physical contact – obviously Sea Hag didn’t research Popeye’s taste in women at all.” — NoahSnark

9 Chickweed Lane: “Let me see if I understand this. Edda becomes a super model who’s become virtually synonymous with your clothing line. Thus the thing to do is fire Edda and have your company known as the assholes that fired the nice hot chick. Are these the same guys that came up with ‘New Coke?'” — Zerowolf

Funky Winkerbean: “‘Les: “Does anyone know what the opening sentence of Moby Dick is? Cory?’
Cory: ‘To the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee.’
Les: ‘That’s very good, but that’s not the opening sentence. It’s near the end of the book.’
Cory: ‘What is???'” — seismic-2

“9 Chickweed Lane today is a metaphor for Amos’s unlucky sperm cell, screaming piteously as it falls into Edda’s hellish inferno of an egg.” — Tom T.

9 Chickweed Lane: “Remember, it’s only premarital sex if you get married afterwards!” — greghousesgf

Slylock Fox: “Yes, evidence indicates someone was here moments ago. But the informant claimed the escaped prisoner was hiding in a vacant cabin. Therefore, whoever is hiding in this occupied cabin must not be the escaped prisoner. Case closed! Now, who wants toast?” — Mysterion

Curtis: “I don’t always drink beer. But when I do, I prefer Cuss Skunk.” — Frank Lee Meidere

“Why can Ballard Street do full rear nudity, but not Judge Parker? God dammit.” — commodorejohn

“I notice that Dinette Set comes with a warning at the bottom that it ‘may cause drosiness’. Is drosiness that feeling you get when you want to punch whoever writes these things?” — The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“The Dinette Set does not appear in my local newspaper. I’m starting a petition drive to keep it that way.” — Zerowolf

Family Circus: “Why would the clock tick, mommy? Is that like having fleas? Why can’t we enter the twenty-first century like normal people?” — Droopy Says

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Hey, everybody! I am about to depart for a week or so of vacation, and so your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be filling in until the 25th. But I will leave you with your comment … of the week!

“I’m having a pang of sympathy for the singular ‘my good plate’, implying that there existed only one. Everything else in Thel’s life is made of D-grade plastic and child-proof rubber. Can she just have one ceramic item, reminiscent of how actual humans — i.e., those not futilely trying to keep a brood of mutated potato children alive in spite of their own mental deformities — live? No. No she cannot.” –David Schraub

And your runners up! Very funny!

“‘Nobody’ is the ghost of Lyman from Garfield. Clearly he is now in Hell.” –sporknpork

“As I get older, I like to sit back in my comfortable overstuffed chair, meds in reach, and read the back cover of a good crossword magazine.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“So Mary wears pearls on her walk and Toby rocks the jean-shorts-and-Depends™ look.” –Bootsy

“‘…and she bristled at my disapproval!’ ‘What did she divulge?’ I’m certain their lips were not synchronized to the dialogue.” –hcv

“She bristled at my disapproval! I do not understand, since all I did was point out what I perceive to be her obvious flaws in the most condescending way possible. Who doesn’t enjoy that? I naturally assumed she would, since I have absolutely no concept of how interpersonal relationships work.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Or did you mean ‘facts of life’ as a euphemism for fucking? Because you give me unfettered access to Google, so I’m pretty much up to speed on that.” –Doctor Handsome

“Man, nothing happens in Judge Parker for months at a time, then I stop paying attention two days, and suddenly people are pointing rifles at assistant track coaches?” –Chip Whittle

“Surely Margo is mainly in favor of a healthy baby because they’re the best eatin’?” –Manic-Depressive Mouse

“I read Margo’s line in the most sarcastic voice I could. ‘Ooooh, poooor wittle Scottie, needing the help of mommie Margo. Christ, no wonder his wife doesn’t want a baby, she already has him.'” –Lord-z

Mark Trail: “This robbery was doomed from the beginning if McCheese-brain is willing to throw in the towel AT THE FIRST SIGHTING OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. ‘Don’t be a fool Jeff! They’ll surround us with their square jaws and blind dog. We’re trapped in here (with guns)!'” –Stickerz

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.