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Apartment 3-G, 10/7/08

Haley is so weak from dope-sickness that she can’t even sigh aloud; she can only think the word “sigh.”

Baldo, 10/7/08

Baldo’s sexual services only merit a B-.

Luann, 10/7/08

To everyone who’s been writing to Greg Evans and United Features Syndicate demanding to see Brad’s nipples: I hope you’re happy now, you bastards.

Pluggers, 10/7/08

A plugger moves through life leaving a trail of failure and economic ruin in his wake.

Beetle Bailey, 10/7/08

Otto has been “assigned” to Sarge’s “unit.”

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So, longer, more effusive thanks, plus more info on the phrase “Hot Blogger” and what it means for you, when I do the COTW post tonight, but: a huge THANKS! for Uncle Lumpy’s turn as guest blogger, and an even HUGER THANKS for everyone who gave money to the fund drive. Aw, you guys! You’re the best! Blush, etc.

Anyway, on to Monday’s comics!

Archie, 10/6/08

The AJGLU 3000 may not know much, but it knows this: a couple of old people talking about raising the prices of nitrate-laden cafeteria food isn’t enough to sustain a strip. It also knows that depictions of pretty teenage girls move product. Unfortunately, its grasp of “pretty” is fairly loose, as panel two indicates. Yes, my vacuum-tube-driven friend, large breasts are generally considered attractive on human females, but not when they only emphasize how freakishly tiny the skull of such female is. And even if one has a tiny pinhead perched at the end one’s neck, generally a true nose, rather than some barely visible lump just north of the upper lip, is an important element on a face. Sadly, what we have here is less “easy on the eyes” and more “candidate for the freak show.”

On the other hand, she has distracted me from the terrible punchline.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/6/8

White rural voters are apparently up for grabs in swing states like Virginia and Missouri this year, so here’s a bit of advice for Barack Obama and John McCain: when campaigning in the Blue Ridge Mountains, promise that the perpetrators of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith will be jailed and tried for crimes against humanity. Today’s strip encapsulates a number of this feature’s common tropes about the noble hillbilly — that he is mooch who will ask random strangers for money; that he’s so dumb that he doesn’t immediately recognize someone who’s new in town, despite “town” having a population of roughly 150; that he wears patched shirts and hideous overalls; that he considers “Mistofer” some kind of acceptable form of address — all of which amount to nothing more than slanderous hate speech.

Curtis, 10/6/08

Nothing would have made me happier than if Michelle had on carried her usual contemptuous conversation with Curtis with her clothing going completely unremarked upon. I must admit to being both amused and unsettled by the final panel, though, in which we learn that she’s not wearing a fencing outfit, but a “fencing” outfit.

Momma, 10/6/08

I tried really hard to figure how, or why, this might be about Hillary Clinton and/or Sarah Palin, but then I decided, why bother? Just enjoy a Momma that consists of one dotty old lady saying something inscrutable to another, and not, say, Oedipal horror.

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I know, it’s been ages since I took any time off from this site, so you’re obviously getting sick of me, am I right? Well, you are about to get your thrice-annual dose of the comic stylings of pinch-hitter and fellow commentor Uncle Lumpy! Give him a warm welcome for the remainder of the week; I’ll be back a week from today, 10/6.

But I will leave you with my own pics for the week’s top comments! Here is your lovely comment of the week:

“Margo is on her way to the morgue! Kind of like a visit to Disneyworld for most people.” –Orange Doorhinge

And the runners-up:

“When selecting his secret base, I’m sure the skull motif on the outside was appealing, but what must have really closed the deal for the Phantom was the built-in shelving.” –Bobdog

“Yes! Diet has really come through this time! Brilliant! Genius! No criminal is safe — except, of course, if he climbs a flight of steps.” –Hogenmogen

“Margo and Tommie won’t have the heart to tell Lu Ann her boyfriend was just horribly murdered by a deranged drug addict. They’ll just tell her that he went to live on a nice farm in Nebraska, where he can chase squirrels all day long.” –Perky Bird

“Terry the security expert’s look of bewilderment, pity, and resignation betrays her true thoughts: ‘Oh Toby … Toby Toby Toby. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. You’ll have to be put down.'” –Bribaby

“I fear we are in danger of forgetting The First Law of A3G Plot Dynamics: ‘Objects at rest tend to remain at rest. Objects that appear to be in motion are, in fact, at rest.'” –boojum

“So this ‘Aria’ temptress is just engaging Ted in platonic banter, right? She must realize that Ted’s married, right? I mean, his wedding band must look absolutely enormous on that slender, girl-gymnast-sized hand of his.” –Paperback Rifler

“Alan is not dead. The cops downtown want to know just like the rest of us — once and for all — is this one Alan or Eric? They are going to taser him and then let Margo search his body for distinguishing marks. After that they can tag him and release him back into the mild.” –Mel

“Isn’t that unnamed white dude in Mark Trail really wearing an ‘ironic moustache’? It’s too 1970s Burt Reynolds to be taken seriously. If so, Mark will punch him out just on principle. ‘Damn hipsters!'” –Kevin Moore

“The hand belongs to Spiderman. He’s presumably vacated his own strip due to lack of interest, and is scouting for a new locale. Given his NYC upbringing, it’s quite possible he seeks out a more rural setting. The only thing he hasn’t thought through is the lack of tall buildings, so expect to see Milford’s FD rescuing a distraught Spiderman from the stately oaks lining Main Street.” –trey le parc

“‘The right people on our side’ obviously refers to one of the many identical bunches of fat hillbillies in overalls (one of whom is bald).” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

“I wish they’d change ‘The Sack Master’s’ jersey number to 69. After all, barely a strip goes by without mention of his height. Is that his only distinguishing characteristic? I’m more alarmed by his freakish hands and his cold, dead eyes.” –JH Pants

“I don’t follow Gil Thorp enough to keep track of all the characters, twists or turns, but to whomever that is in the centre of panel three: Dear Podperson, your mask is peeling. Signed, Disturbed.” –Black Drazon

“The death of Alan means high art prices for Margo, chastity for Lu Ann, and more Sunday morning waffles for Tommie. Mmm … waffles.” –Dingo

“I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who assumed that the buzzing was emanating from some Lovecraftian horror from beyond time summoned by Alan’s artwork. Such horrors can warp the very fabric of the universe, creating geometrical configurations that chill the soul with their stark unreality, such as that of Lu Ann’s breasts in the final panel.” –Obstreperous B

“The big tough dog that Snert is not like is about to swallow Hagar whole. There’s some poetic justice there. Well … perhaps ‘poetic’ is the wrong word.” –Angry Kem

“Yes, dear. It’s serious. Alan isn’t in the hospital, Lu Ann. Margo didn’t provide him with insurance, so we tossed his shot-up junkie ass into an alley a few blocks away. You can visit him there if you like.” –Harold

Let me give a huge thank you to those who put money in my tip jar! And an extra huzzah to our advertisers:

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