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Judge Parker, 4/11/09

OK, I get that “Rocky Ledge” is a stage name, like Dixie Julep for Kathleen Patterson — but c’mon: “Godiva Danube”? If that’s a work alias, it’s gonna limit her professional options — just ask L’Oréal MacDowell or Lancome Rosellini.

On the other hand, if she was born with a name like that, I bet her Hauptschule nightmares make Sophie’s troubles look like ein gehen in den garten.

But hey, why speculate when you can generate your very own Judge Parker name right here! Choose a chiseled, craggy man-handle straight out of the American West, or an Old World nom d’une femme with just the slightest bouffée of elegant dissipation — we don’t judge! Then add your own title (“Sheriff”, “Vicomtesse”) and you’re good to go!

Your new Judge Parker name:

Funky Winkerbean, 4/11/09

“Susan Smith” (no, not that one) may be a commonplace name, but this gal is more than another mopey walk-on. Nope, she’s the ur-victim of Funky Winkerbean, its Dark Eve — wellspring of the miseries that rise like the cholera from every sewer in Westview. It was her incomprehensible crush on Les that launched the “Summer of Les ‘n’ Lisa” (1994) — until quite recently the most annoying European adventure in comics history. Since then, she’s endured a suicide attempt (1995), a dating abuse cycle o’ violence (1998), gross underemployment, and a divorce (2008), only to face her greatest challenge: feigning interest in Les’s 900-page opus, My Wife Was Nice But Then She Died. She comes out — well, not smiling, of course — but upright, breathing, and back for more. Tough dame!

What the hell is wrong with these people? — a new occasional feature!

Between Friends, 4/6/09 — 4/10/09

What the hell is wrong with this woman?

I’m sitting in for Josh through the 19th — if you have any problems with the site or non-public questions, you can reach me at uncle.lumpy@yahoo.com. If you need to reach Josh directly, it’s jfruh@jfruh.com and probably a bit of a wait. Enjoy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Hey, everybody! I want to begin this post by paying collective homage to everyone who was kind enough to put some money in my tip jar while I was away, and for Uncle Lumpy and his cast of dozens of rotating banners for urging you to do so. Everyone who contributed will be getting a personal thank-you from me sometime in the next week, but I do want to collectively say thanks now before you all. I also want to thank Uncle Lumpy for just plain being an awesome pinch-hitter, and for making me laugh on multiple occasions when I checked in from my Undisclosed Location.

Anyway, before I get to the CsOTW, I need to approach one strip that I didn’t discuss today, but which held a very special resonance for me.

Luann, 9/6/08

Soooo … remember a ways back when I mentioned that I had been nominated for the Hot Blogger Calendar? Well, thanks the gratuitous ballot-stuffing on your parts that followed, part of my week off involved a bus trip to New York to get my picture taken. I shall say no more now, except to note that I was a lot more into the experience than poor Brad. More information as I get it, but: brace yourselves.

And you know who else was an official Hot Blogger? None other than Sally Forth scribe/Medium Large creator/all-explaining blogger Francesco Marciuliano!

This pic of the two of us was taken the night before the photo shoot. You can barely tell, but those are firemen on the fire escape on the building behind us, peeling big chunks of vinyl siding off of the building that my head is mostly blocking, because it was on fire … as a result of our hotness? Probably!

Anyway, take a moment to calm down and enjoy the comment of the week!

“The Funky-doesn’t-lose-weight plot is one of the most boring things I’ve ever witnessed, and I read Spider-Man.” –Tweeks_Coffee

And the runners up!

“Only a plugger would spend three and a half hours repairing a $9 toaster? I’m no economist, but if he managed to scrape $9 worth of Pop Tart icing from the inside it was probably worth it.” –gh

“Wait a minute! Alan used to be alive?” –Muffaroo-who-brunches

“My name is Margo Magee. You called me ‘li’l lady.’ Prepare to die.” –blueberrygrrrl

“When it came time to break the heartbreaking news to my wife, I tried this: Me – ‘There were some fraudulent charges on one of our credit cards. The bank wiped the charges and will issue us a new card.’ My wife – ‘OK.’ Hopefully this tip will help Toby with her terrible ordeal.” –Worthinator

“Maria! Jameson! For the love of God, DON’T REPRODUCE!!” –Mibbitmaker

“I’m on tenterhooks with Mark Trail. Hopefully the titular hero will show up, punch out blondie, and rescue the poor alligator.” –Bribaby

“And the lesson of the day is ‘There is a right place and a wrong place for heels.’ Take it to heart while Mr. Alligator does his part for our gene pool.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I’m thrilled that Toby deals with her fear of Ian being angry because she hid her credit card problem by hiding her credit card problem.” –Lithros

“Jeeze, look at Ian stomping his paunchy ass away there. He looks like Marlon Brando chasing a wheelbarrow full of Big Macs.” –jake!

“‘But the inch-long youngsters, once they hatch, have no family loyalty.’ Hey, Jack Elrod’s kids! Would it kill ya to call your old man once in a while?” –gleeb

“Pardon My Planet = Pluggers for Hipsters.” –Beatrice

“…the best thing about this strip is the Crimestopper’s Textbook panel, in which some weepy stocky kid has found where the sidewalk ends.” –commodorejohn

And let’s give it up for our advertisers, who are the very hottest.

• The Truth is Finally Revealed!!! From his bloody campaigns and his great friendships to his erotic affairs, Aias was admired by Alexander the Great as his mentor, true friend, and military hero. Even the women of Greece passionately adored him, but he was mysteriously removed from Alexander’s journal. Why?
• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Mary Worth, 10/5/08

If I had to Scotch^® tape an episode of Mary Worth to the side of Voyager XLIV or whatever the hell number they’re up to now, it would be this classic: blue-and-yellow drama lighting, hand-jivin’ histrionics, a “happier times” bedstand photo and the lonely, lonely park bench Toby fears will be her future home. Added bonus: no Mary! Why inflict her on the stars, and risk their terrible retribution?

Ian’s fury, of course, is less about trust than the unconscionable $1.09 charge from Pretty Purposes. It’s tempting to suspect Toby’s dream of duplicity equal to Ian’s — a message from her subconscious to get out now! But since Toby never listens to her conscious, what chance could its downstairs neighbor have?

Panel from Judge Parker, 10/5/08

Ha ha ha! Wait, we missed that?

Panel from Pardon My Planet, 10/5/08

You know, you two never smile any more, and your looks are starting to go. It’s pretty obvious blow has taken over your lives, and it’s time for an intervention. I know a lady.

Panel from Funky Winkerbean, 10/5/08

I think we’re in for a week of “Everybody Loves the Dead Chick.”

Here’s an exercise: We’ve had phishing in Mary Worth, hospice care in Rex Morgan, M.D., illiteracy in Crankshaft, pet adoption in Mutts, and of course — interminably — “Cancer is Bad” in Funky Winkerbean. I’m sure I’ve forgotten scores of others, but what new Public Service Announcement opportunities are out there for a comic strip that wants to Make a Difference rather than Entertain its Readers? Shoe cautions us about the dangers of H5N1* Bird Flu? Sherman’s Lagoon demonstrates best practices for water safety? Get Fuzzy portrays Bucky’s valiant struggle with rabies?

* Corrected from HN51 — thank you faithful reader Victor, and damn you, Google — damn you straight to hell!

Panel from Mark Trail, 10/5/08

But why go out on such a sour note? Look! It’s a skink!

Josh will be back tomorrow with COTW — and maybe tales of his Hot Blogger calendar photo shoot in NYC?

Thanks everybody for a fun week!

— Uncle Lumpy