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Mary Worth, 6/28/24

I’ve been accused, with perhaps some justification, of being a “coastal elitist”. It’s hard to keep track of what interests do or don’t make you fit that category: my sense of the vibes are that pleasure craft like Dr. Jeff’s are considered “real America” rather than “coastal elitist” coded, despite the fact that they are very expensive and you literally need access to a coastline to enjoy one. This is my way of saying that I don’t actually know much about boats, but I feel like I know enough to say that this one is very big, right? Like in terms of boats owned by retired, mildly successful doctors? Back in the old days Dr. Jeff’s boat was decently sized but it didn’t really loom over you the way this one does. Anyway, Wilbur has experienced not one but two very traumatic large-boat-related incidents, and it would certainly be entertaining if the extremely tentative emotional stability engendered by the prospect of this well-attended fish funeral were shattered by a full-on panic attack.

Alice, 6/28/24

Ever since I’ve gotten on my Alice kick a few months ago, I’ve been sharing with you the “wow, this strip sure is weird!” ones but sparing you the ones that are like “these modern times are new and scary, things were simpler way back then!” So I have to say, this wasn’t the first strip I thought would take the position “Enh, people aren’t very good at most stuff, let’s give the robots a try,” but truly I always appreciate a zig where I expect a zag.

Family Circus, 6/28/24

I understand the Keanes are conservative and don’t think their kids are ready to learn the truth about where babies come from, but I’m telling you, in the absence of solid facts children will come up with some truly wild and frankly very unsettling ideas about how the world works.

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Gil Thorp, 6/26/24

It took me a long time staring at the the first panel to put together what’s going on here: Gil’s new squeeze Beth was a server at some instance of “the awards” when Mimi and her new girlfriend were in attendance (not sure when this was? not last year’s Jack Berrill Coach of the Year, I don’t think); having already decided to make Gil her own, she memorized the wine preferences along with all other relevant data points about every woman there within two degrees of sexual separation from him. But now, she has moved from mere waitress to girlfriend, achieving victory, and can get wet and eat after midnight, if you know what I mean! Triumph is Beth’s! Triumph! (“The world of heterosexuals is a sick and boring life,” Mimi’s girlfriend says sadly as the two take their leave from this overt and frankly upsetting display of man/woman love.)

Beetle Bailey, 6/26/24

Beetle is, of course, a dedicated somnophile, ready to sleep in any situation, social niceties be damned. It’s bad enough that he flaunts his ways in the newspaper where children can see, but today we’ve learned that Miss Buxley is ready to follow his example and join him in his sick lifestyle.

Alice, 6/26/24

It’s been 30+ years so I can admit that it always bothered me a little that in some X-Files episodes the mysterious entities they encountered would be sci-fi things like space aliens and in other episodes they were horror things like vampires. Now, of course, I was willing to overlook it there because Mulder and Scully were beautiful and real and my friends, but Alice has not built up that level of goodwill with me and I will not accept the proposition that these weird little green guys are aliens but also ghosts. And literary ghosts at that, from “A Christmas Carol!” (That’s an 1843 novella by Charles Dickens, if you haven’t heard of it.)

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Mary Worth, 6/19/24

One of the things one must always be on guard against is the brand of nostalgia that convinces you that the past was always better and that the world we live in is a fallen one. We must instead recognize that every age has its own highs or lows. Do we miss the days when Ian Cameron loomed larger in this strip, veering wildly from smug condescension to bug-eyed rage? Sure, yes, obviously. But current-day Ian’s still got it, as he goes for the one-two punch of “As a professor, I can say with confidence that your dead fish did not experience emotions even when it was alive” and then furiously stage-whispering in hopes that Wilbur will overhear as he solemnly accepts a Mourning Muffin from Mary.

Dick Tracy, 6/19/24

The current Dick Tracy storyline is not interesting enough for me to summarize, but I did think you’d all enjoy this strip, in which the MCU gals have figured out that an attractive lady is somehow tied into their current case and so have decided to download various pictures of her living her best life, print them on glossy photo paper, put them into a manila folder, and hand them over to Dick. The man is happily married but there’s no harm done here, he does not go on the computer and he’s earned this.

Alice, 6/19/24

As far as Alice Lore goes, “Alice accidentally fucked her cousin in college” is not quite as outlandish as “Alice was kidnapped by aliens,” but because it’s more grounded in reality it feels more menacing, I think.

Six Chix, 6/19/24

“Get it? We’re dogs! We literally bark up trees sometimes, even though we now also walk on our hind legs and wear clothes and run medical practices. Anyway, turns out you’re dying, sorry we didn’t figure this out six months ago when we maybe could’ve done something about it.”