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Apartment 3-G, 12/11/11

As usual, Sunday’s A3G just rehashes the plot from the previous week, but it’s still worth lingering over, not least because it showcases the disturbing truth about this storyline: that Lu Ann has, through at least two engagements, still been legally married. I mean, surely she’d written Gary off as dead in her head for years, but unless she or the military moved to have him declared legally dead … then she’s still married, right? Even One-Armed Becky in Funky Winkerbean waited until her missing husband was (incorrectly) declared dead before moving on. The fun potential upshot of this is that maybe Paul’s creepy dad was right to freak out about Lu Ann’s marriage certificate, if there was no legal indication that her marriage was over.

Even better than all that, of course, is the fact that Margo is “blah, blah, blah”ing her way through the letter from the Air Force about Lu Ann’s dead husband. Hey, doesn’t the military usually send someone in person to tell you your loved one has been killed? It would have been fun if two uniformed airmen had come to the apartment and Margo had been there as they launched into their spiel and said “Yadda yadda yadda, boys, get to the point, we don’t have all day.”

Spider Man, 12/11/11

Just another Sunday of non-heroics, from … the Amazing Spider-Man!!!! When law enforcement can’t keep the streets safe, he will! But law enforcement actually does a pretty good job, most of the time, so he’ll just continue to enjoy a pleasant Sunday with his wife and aunt, thanks.

Panel from Dick Tracy, 12/11/11

If you’ve ever said to yourself, “Enh, I’m not going to give the new revamped Dick Tracy a chance until it inexplicably includes a panel featuring a villain quoting from Men Without Hats’ 1982 smash hit ‘Safety Dance,'” then you are officially out of excuses, my friend.

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Marmaduke, 12/9/11

I don’t think the Marmaduke creative team has ever seen a vegetarian before, or at least they haven’t bothered to come up with some kind of visual shorthand to differentiate vegetarians from one of the run-of-the-mill miscellaneous middle-aged humans flummoxed by Marmaduke. Marmaduke’s mind is boggling anyway, presumably at the concept that any living being can feed without something dying in agony.

Apartment 3-G, 12/9/11

“It’s just that … Paul’s a creepy, controlling weirdo, and he deserves a passive, empty-headed wife who will do whatever he says and not be unsettled by his demands. I thought I could be that wife! But it turns out that sometimes I have opinions.”

Marvin, 12/9/11

Oh, man, cat, you do not want to get into a shitting contest with Marvin. You’re going to regret the day you ever learned to poop in a box, my friend.

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Luann, 12/5/11

Wasn’t there some zany plot a few years back where various De Groot family members and hangers-on wanted to know what TJ did for a living, but never could figure it out, largely because for mysterious reasons they refused to just ask him? I feel a sense of pride in the fact that I can’t actually remember how this worked out, and I refuse to look it up, but I’m definitely intrigued by his decision to charm his way into Anne Eiffel’s employ here, by describing how he caused a competing fast food restaurant to unwittingly violate child labor laws. Presumably he’s planning to bring Weenie World down from the inside, but all of TJ’s schemes inevitably backfire horribly, so perhaps he’ll accidentally triple hot dog sales and help Anne get promoted to CEO? Whatever the potential outcome, let’s all enjoy panel two, which illustrates the fact that TJ, who means well but is always plotting something, is forever perched on the seam between light and darkness.

Gil Thorp, 12/5/11

If I didn’t know any better I’d think that Brody Abro had his Asperger’s so thoroughly cured that he grew a little chin-tuft and let some soul-patched tattoo artist hover beefily over him. But I do know better, so probably the beard is supposed to indicate that this is shaggy-haired blond fellow with a face almost exactly like Brody’s is not actually Brody, but rather some new Mudlark with a silly name who we’re supposed to get attached to over the course of basketball season.

So, yeah, it’s an exciting new storyline! Involving tattoos! Just a tip: it’s not really that reassuring when you feel compelled to explicitly tell your customers that you follow the basic rules of hygiene for your profession. It’s like a waitress putting your food in front of you and saying, unprompted, “Don’t worry, the kitchen staff have all washed their hands today, and none of them have any open sores.” Maybe this attitude was OK in your prison tattoo business, Mr. Soul Patch, but you’ve rented a venerable Milford storefront now! Time to kick your professionalism up a notch.

Mary Worth, 12/5/11

Looks like Mary is going to be haunted by this missing child poster forever! Eventually her grinning face will be all Mary sees, every day. What could be the cause of this descent into madness? I’m hoping that Mary’s the real kidnapper, and that the haunting poster always floating at the corner of her vision is her version of the tell-tale heart.

Apartment 3-G, 12/5/11

“I’ve been there! By which I mean I totally made out with your dead husband. Back when he was alive, obviously! Did I forget to tell you this?”