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Funky Winkerbean, 8/16/11

Aww, look at Cayla’s little secret smile as their romantic walk suddenly turns into yet another opportunity for Les to natter on about his dead wife. “Lisa who? Lalalalalalalala I CAN’T HEAR YOU … happy thoughts happy thoughts”

Apartment 3-G, 8/16/11

“Her fiancé got killed in Tibet, so she’s got nobody to turn her down for sex!”

Mary Worth, 8/16/11

ALERT: CLEAN-CUT SKATEBOARD KID HAS BEEN JOINED BY OTHERS TO FORM A CLEAN-CUT SKATEBOARD GANG. ALL NYPD UNITS REPORT TO QUAINTTOWN NEIGHBORHOOD IMMEDIATELY. BRING WATER CANNONS. SUSPECTS MAY BE CHEWING GUM.

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Mary Worth, 8/15/11

The comics have presented us with many wonderful images today, but none are more delightful than young Gina and her boyfriend taking in the world’s most wholesome skateboard kid and his ludicrously clean-cut cheering section. “Look, Gina!” Bobby’s saying in panel two. “This guy’s doing some awesome tricks, and yet he’s wearing khaki shorts and has neatly parted hair! Have you ever seen the like?”

Gil Thorp, 8/15/11

This is the kind of sensitivity that makes it so easy for Gil to really connect with his young students. “So, Kenny, I hear your mom’s a lush! What’s up with that?”

Apartment 3-G, 8/15/11

Oh my goodness, it looks like Lu Ann is going to join Luann in teaching the kids today about the importance of resisting sexual pressure — only in this scenario, it’s Lu Ann who’s the insatiable lust-monster and her boyfriend who’s saving himself for … when he’s older? Like, how much older? Because I’m pretty much assuming he’s about 35 now, based on appearances. I guess he’s saving himself for marriage, unlike that harlot Lu Ann, who, just look at that face in panel three that’s supposed to be “crazed with desire,” it’s almost as hilarious as the skateboard kid in Mary Worth.

Panel from Mark Trail, 8/15/11

Mark Trail strips often seem to be pieced together out of pre-existing bits of art, and today’s first panel is probably a good example. “That was a good story you did about the mountain man!” That could be the summary about every fifth Trail storyline for the past thirty years.

The Phantom, 8/15/11

Meanwhile, the Phantom is getting satellite TV. ACTION! ADVENTURE!

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Mark Trail, 8/13/11

Oh, that Bill Ellis! He’s been told repeatedly by Woods and Wildlife’s financially beleaguered parent corporation that subscription numbers and ad rates are falling, so for God’s sake get some material in the magazine that women won’t find actively abhorrent, but he doesn’t actually respect women or know what they want, so it always goes horribly awry. He once famously sent Kelly on an assignment to an “outdoor fashion show”; now he hasn’t even gotten to whatever insulting proposition he has for her before interrupting himself to take a phone call. “Sorry, Kelly, you’ll have to excuse me, this might be someone with a penis!”

Oh also COMICAL ETHNIC JOHNNY MALOTTE AND SEXY TROUBLESOME KELLY WELLY ARE GOING TO BE IN THE SAME STORYLINE THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWEEEESSSSOMMMMEEEE

Apartment 3-G, 8/13/11

So I knew this woman once who briefly worked as a cop, and one of the things you get stuck doing if you are a female cop with very little seniority is pretending to be a prostitute in sting operations to arrest johns. And one thing that happens while you’re doing this is that you meet and chat with actual prostitutes, and you get some great stories to pass on to later acquaintances. For example: one woman had this regular customer who paid her well to spend half an hour in a bathtub full of ice, then come out and lie completely motionless and silent on the bed while he had sex with her, so he could indulge in his necrophilia without actually violating a dead body. This is a story that for obvious reasons has stuck with me, so while I assume that this series of “oh gosh, it’s so hot in New York, wouldn’t a cool bath be erotic” strips in A3G were written during one of this year’s several soul-crushing heatwaves, you’ll forgive me if I don’t find them sexy.

Slylock Fox, 8/13/11

Every once in a while Slylock Fox offers us a flashback glimpse of apocalyptic war in which the animals finally decided that enough was enough and seized control of the planet from the humans, creating the animal-ruled society we see in most of the strips. Today’s entry shows up one of the mopping-up actions of that genocidal conflict, and you can see that, despite the enthusiasm of the smaller creatures looking on, at least one bear has grown weary of the killing. “Ho, hum, another pair of wild hairless apes who haven’t figured out yet that we’ve mastered tool use. I guess I’ll just climb this ladder and disembowel them as they beg for their lives. Hasn’t our mission been accomplished? When will I be able to return to my mate and cubs back at my cave?”