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Mark Trail, 3/22/11

As Mark’s sojourn on the Island Of Drug Dealing And Also No Razor Blades continues and his stubble begins to sprout forth from his unwilling cheeks, this strip must, in order to maintain its rigid grooming morality, offer up villains with ever more outrageous facial hair. This handlebar-mustached fellow is hilarious enough, but once Mark is sporting a full-on beard, he’ll no doubt encounter the island’s kingpin, who will resemble a young Chester A. Arthur.

Mary Worth, 3/22/11

You probably read yesterday’s Mary Worth and thought, “Gee, what could be more unsettling than grown woman Dawn Weston lounging around her pretty-princess bedroom and clutching her teddy bear like a little girl?” Well, today you get your answer: Dawn talking about how much she loves her dad while her teddy bear’s eyes suddenly pop open in arousal/terror.

Apartment 3-G, 3/22/11

“Flying in from Colorado?? We both know that no real place has ever been given such an outlandish name! To say nothing of the laughable proposition that a man might fly through the air like a bird.”

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Beetle Bailey, 3/19/11

Six years ago when this panel ran the first (?) time, I was willing to let it pass as a goofy placeholder from a creative team that just sort of couldn’t think of anything to do that day. It may have been an abdication of creativity, but at least the numerous visual details represented more work than what goes into Beetle Bailey strips that actually contain jokes. And really, are Beetle Bailey jokes all they’re cracked up to be? Can we honestly say that we want more Beetle Bailey jokes out there in the world?

And yet now that I know that this is just the strip they pull out when they have nothing else to run, and that it’s gone out who knows how many times … well, I wouldn’t have thought I could have less respect for Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, but I have been proven wrong. I don’t know which possibility is worse: that some strip was submitted that, due to its complete lack of even vague entertainment value, was rejected by the syndicate, resulting in this stopgap being reprinted, or that someone over at W-BAHI LLC suddenly had the realization at deadline that “oh, crap, we have to do a Saturday strip too? Damn it, I need to start writing this stuff down.”

Apartment 3-G, 3/19/11

Ha ha, Dan, you’re not going to disabuse Iris of the notion that you’re some kind of hobo tramp bum drifter homeless person if you keep using that old-timey slang. But all questions about his archaic socioeconomic status seem a lot less important now that we know that Iris has a ringtone that can briefly obliterate all of existence.

Archie, 3/19/11

Hot Dog’s ears are lifted in shock in the final panel, which must mean that none of Jughead’s interpretation of his inner thoughts are correct. I’m guessing he’s thinking “Wait, I have fleas? And you’re not doing anything about them? Christ, you really are the laziest pet owner alive.”

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Judge Parker, 3/18/11

Now, I know you people, and a lot of you are going to read this and be all like “Ha, Sam and Angel are going to be go on a gay date, and ‘preferring jazz to musical theater’ is code for being on the down low, etc., etc., hardy har har.” Which just goes to show that you don’t know Sam Driver, at all. Sam doesn’t enjoy physical and emotional intimacy with other human beings, like normal people do; Sam only gets off on denying others his sexual favors. Bored with only spurning women, he’s taking the first tentative steps towards breaking male hearts as well.

Dick Tracy, 3/18/11

I am enjoying the work of the new Dick Tracy artists! The previous regime, of course, focused on a series of villains who were hideously deformed; the new guys are branching out to people who also emit some kind of horrible odor as well.

Apartment 3-G, 3/18/11

Nice try, buddy! Everyone knows that hobos and tramps are entirely different categories of itinerants (the classic dichotomy being that hobos work odd jobs when they can while tramps beg). So why don’t you stop playing coy and admit that you’re a Russian Grand Duke or something who doesn’t like to shave or buy new clothes, and skip ahead to the part where you whisk Iris away to your villa on the Côte d’Azur.

Jumble, 3/18/11

True story: Up until fairly recently, I thought that a “spin class” involved spinning around in circles, and couldn’t figure out why everyone seemed to think they were so difficult! Ha ha, isn’t that funny? Anyway, apparently they actually consist of working out really intensely on stationary bicycles, which explains why the nameless protagonist in this panel appears to be experiencing some sort of massive cardiac event.