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Gil Thorp, 2/11/11

Oh hey, what’s going on with Gil Thorp’ presumably gay basketball prodigy? Well, it turns out the only thing he cares less about than winning basketball games is love, or at least yucky heterosexual love. But don’t worry about this negative stereotyping; for “balance,” his devout Christian future nemesis also turns out to be a brutal elbow-throwing thug.

Anyway, we can’t possibly be mad at Lini’s heartlessness, since his advice that Kayla dump Parker brought us the delightful and hilarious scene in panel two, where Parker is ripping off his own face out of grief. His friend sure seems to be having a good time watching the waterworks. “This is better than TV!” he thinks, while stone cold munching on a sandwich.

Apartment 3-G, 2/11/10

I’m going to pass over the rather predictable revelation that going on about your delusions of world-changing grandeur will cause Margo to want to do sex things with you, and instead focus on the freakish vehicle that has brought them to the deserted, pristine hillside that Trey will despoil with his green energy McMansion. Is that a Volkswagen Thing? Is Iris still passed out in the back seat?

Mary Worth, 2/11/10

Ha ha, Wilbur doesn’t have any idea how to work a Twitter machine! He’s just trying to lure Mary and her groceries back to his apartment, as he suspects she might have a jar of delicious mayonnaise in that bag.

Dennis the Menace, 2/11/10

“Oh, and how come you and Mrs. Wilson have different beds? Dad says it’s because you’re a couple of sexless old farts, but it always smells nice at your house!”

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Judge Parker, 2/10/11

I need a consult from the Fashion Police on this, because I’ve been spending the last week trying to figure out what exactly the outfit of our latest Judge Parker female guest star is meant to convey. Usually the implication of ladies’ clothes in this strip is fairly straightforward — “I am sinister; here are my breasts” — but Constance Darling, publishing marketing intern suddenly thrust into a position of power, is all over the map, sartorially. Since she’s an intern, I’m assuming she’s supposed to be of college age or at oldest in her early 20s; she’s wearing a long, flowing skirt, strappy high heels, a sort of collegiate-y sweater, a big chunky scarf, big glasses, big earrings, and, of course, a giant yellow peace symbol. Is this someone’s idea of how the young people are dressing? Because I can assure that it is not the way the young people are dressing, unless they’re trying out to star in Doctor Who as the first female Doctor.

Mary Worth, 2/10/11

Now we know why now why Mary shuns the Internet: it’s full of people, talking about their lives, unprompted by Mary’s probing questions, a prospect she finds completely ghastly.

Mark Trail, 2/10/11

Whoops, looks like Kelly Well’s ladyish incompetence has resulted in one of the more hilarious Mark Trail panels in recent memory. It’s too bad Mark isn’t using his recently developed thought-ballooning abilities to let us in on what’s going through his head as he hurtles through the air. “I’m flying! Am I a bird? I always thought I might be a bird! Look, my seagull brother is behind me for my first flight! I love being a bird! I will definitely capture that diamond smuggler no[SPLASH]”

Apartment 3-G, 2/10/11

Based on those arousal lines radiating from Margo’s head, I think we’ve finally learned the easiest way to get her attention: make with the igloo talk. She’s obviously now planning to drag Trey back to her love igloo and ravish him atop a pile of furs (all the better, furs made from adorable animals that Lu Ann would get all sentimental over). They’d drape their yellow scarves over the igloo’s narrow entranceway, to indicate that the igloo is a-rockin’ and that others should under no circumstances come a-knockin’.

Exciting listening opportunity! You are no doubt familiar with Citation Needed, the Tumblr I help maintain that’s all about Wikipedia’s most hilarious prose! Well, it now has a podcast that you’re obviously going to want to listen to. I had nothing to do with this first installment, because I am lazy, so all props go to Conor Lastowka and his cast of guest stars, but I will hopefully be helping out with future installments, about which you will kept in the loop!

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Mark Trail, 2/5/11

Who says that Mark Trail compositions are clumsy and artless, mostly focusing on poorly dressed mannequins shouting at each other while disproportionately large photocopies of wildlife loom in the foreground? Well, everyone says that, really, but today’s strip is actually structured in a somewhat interesting way, with everyone gazing intently at what they most desire: Ben Smith at the precious smuggled diamonds, Mark Trail at the proof he needs to put a bad guy in jail (possibly after punching him), and Kelly at Mark himself. The fact that Kelly is disrobing as she wonders what Mark’s up to strikes me as significant.

Beetle Bailey, 2/5/11

Sarge’s body language — eyes shut, body completely stiff — seems to me indicative of total panic and mortification, but I think it’s cute that Beetle has downgraded this to “embarrassment.” I also think it’s cute that Beetle refers calls the gay porn clip they’ve downloaded a “love scene.” I leave open the question of what Sarge is referring to as “shooting.”

Gil Thorp, 2/5/11

Since Gil Thorp doesn’t run on Sundays, we’ve got quite an end-of-week cliffhanger set up here. What are Jefferson’s plans for Milford’s Number 11? More suspense might be generated if anyone anywhere knew any of the various Mudlarks’ uniform numbers.

Apartment 3-G, 2/5/11

Seeing as Trey and Margo are gazing soulfully into each other’s eyes as the car hurtles down the highway in the midst of a dense fog, perhaps Iris hasn’t so much fallen asleep as passed out from terror.